Excerpts from a book I'll never write

XIV

I just wanted to be yours. I didn't care how, when, where. You didn't want me though and it took me a little too long to figure that out.

I always talked myself into staying, because it was easier to believe that you didn't know how to love, it was easier to make up excuses for your behaviour than believing that I wasn't good enough to be the girl you would settle with. The girl who could make your heart flutter like you did with mine.

And it wasn't until that day that I was forced to open up my eyes to the inevitable light that was bound to hurt my so used-to-the-dark sight. You were dancing with her, it wasn't the possessive, or the aggressive, or the dirty, or the boring kind of dancing you had with me. It was sweet, the kind of sweet you can't help but "aw" at. You looked so different, it was everywhere. Your hands, your moves, your laugh, but especially your eyes. Eyes, it felt like I had never seen before even though I was used to have you stare at me every day before bed. They sparkled, they shone and it was then that I realised that you were never happy with me. I was covered with this invisible veil that made me unaware of how fucked up we were.

So I picked up what little dignity I had left and fled the country.