Lucille (The Walking Dead)

Falling

"You really think so?" I said trying to take the bottle from him. I leaned over but he pulled it away from me. "Hey!" He was smiling.

"Gotta catch it!" I tried to reach for it again but it didn't do any good. I pulled myself up and reached toward his stretched hand. "You can't fucking do it!"

"Yes, I can!" I was reaching as high as I could go and there was still a gap between our hands. Suddenly my arm that was holding me up buckled and I crashed down. Half of me was laying on Negan's lap. I looked up at his face that was just as surprised as mine. He began to laugh and soon I was too. I picked myself off him but fell just to the right of him on the pillow in a giggling fit. He looked at me and gave me the bottle. We hesitated just for a second as our fingers brushed. He laid still beside me and I took another gulp of the foul stuff. We got quiet again and felt each other's body heat. I could feel his head turn as he started to look at me. But I kept my straight scared of what I would do if I did look at him. But he kept staring at me making it impossible for me to look at him too.

"You're a fucking mess." He said in a half-whisper. I smiled, it was true. Just take a look at what I was doing.

"If I'm a mess then you're a catastrophe." He nodded with a smile. I handed the bottle to him again but this time when our fingers touched he didn't pull away and neither did I. My heart started to jump wildly in my chest as I looked up at him.

"That's probably true." He said in a whisper. His fingers were warm in contrast to the cold bottle. I felt his warmth travel through me. The silence that swallowed us made my ever-going heartbeat sound louder. I didn't know what to do.

"I think we're all our own little catastrophes," I said in a slight whisper. He didn't say anything in return for a while just let us lay in silence.

"If that's the case, you are the hurricane that's causing mine." My eyes flickered with surprise. He suddenly came back to his senses and pulled away with the bottle in his hands. He took a long swig and I could tell how much he regretted it. "Hot Damn!" He said wincing at the burn in his stomach. He pulled away from me and lifted himself up. "I wonder where Sherry's at? Better be in that fucking room." He walked to the bathroom leaving me completely alone in silence as I laid sideways on the bed. His spot was still warm when came out of the bathroom, his hair slicked back and he had on his leather jacket. I situated myself back on the side of the bed I was originally on and turned onto my side facing away from him. "You better sleep." He said dismissively as he walked to the door and left me alone with the slam of the door.

I laid there motionless as his words replayed in my head. I couldn't understand how I could be causing such a difference in his life. I've only been there for less than a week but it felt like a lifetime had gone by since my life with Daryl. Oh, my god Daryl. My body was no longer tingling but was growing tired and sick. I could feel my eyes growing heavy but every time I closed them Daryl's face flashed into my mind. I felt guilty for the moments that were between Negan and me while Daryl was stuck in that godforsaken cell. Guilt swallowed me to the point I could hardly breathe. Here I was getting drunk with the enemy. Who was now probably screwing one of his many wives? I felt a sob coming but I suppressed it as much as I could. I cursed myself for being so weak while my eyes strained to open. A single tear fell before I was asleep.

"You're in my fucking head!" I shot up to the sound of shouting. My head was killing me and the smell of the tequila radiated off Negan making me sick. I remained up and tried to focus on him but my brain was in so much pain.

"What the fuck?" I grumbled out. He was pacing back and forth beside me.

"How the fuck am I supposed to do anything without worrying about you?" I grabbed the covers and brought them up to my neck. He was beyond drunk and it was scary to see him so aggrieved. "I fucked her, you know? But you were in my fucking head!" He was yelling but I wasn't sure if he was yelling at me or himself.

"Why would you think of me?" He suddenly turned to me and then laughed into the air with his head back. He turned to me and was kneeling on the bed beside me.

"Don't play fucking coy! You know exactly why." He suddenly got very quiet and still. "After I lost her it was so easy to not give a shit at what I was doing to people. Bash a couple of skulls in? Fuck it. Burn shitheads face for stealing from me? Fuck it. Fucking sleep with women who don't want anything from me but to die? I didn't fucking care" He looked at me. "You know the type of person I am."

"Yes, I do," I said my head still pounding.

"So why do you look at me like that?" I suddenly realize that I was smiling at him. I didn't even know I was until he said something. I grabbed the covers and hid under them.

"I don't fucking know!" I yelled. I could hear him laughing at me. I felt him uncover me but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes.

"I fucking like the way you look at me. Even when I'm going off the deep end like I am now." He chuckled and I opened my eyes to see him resting his chin on the side of the bed. We were close enough that I could feel his breath.

"I don't like the way I look at you," I said honestly. "I don't like being around you. I don't like the way you treat my family. I don't like the way you treat Daryl. I don't like the way you look at me. I don't like the way it makes me feel." I said listing all the things that came to my head. "I don't like the way you can make me smile." He took a moment before he did anything. He sighed and rubbed his face.

"What the fuck do you want me to do?" He grumbled.

"I don't expect you to do anything." We paused only for a moment before his lips roughly pushed against mine. A mix of pleasure and anxiousness filled me. I didn't pull away from him as he moved roughly against my lips. I could feel a fire unlike any other within me that burned brighter than the tequila. I laced my fingers from my good hand through his dark hair and pulled him closer. He took it as an invitation. He sat on the bed putting his arms around me pulling me into his chest till there was no space between us. He slowly started to make my way down my neck and I could hear my breathing as it got faster matching my heart rate. I grabbed his face and brought it back to mine. I could feel his heartbeats on my chest as our lips moved with each other. He suddenly pulled away leaving our foreheads touching as we breathed. I grabbed onto his shoulder and tried to steady myself. We didn't say anything for a few moments. He moved his head down to my shoulder and let out an exhausted sigh.

"I thought you would turn away." He said. I ran my fingers through his hair.

"I thought I would too," I said. He suddenly sat up and looked at my legs.

"I didn't hurt you did I?" He looked so earnest that it made me smile.

"No, I'm fine." He nodded and got up. I collapsed back on the bed and watched him as he slowly walked around. I felt the slow heat of shame run up my face the longer I sat there in silence.