Inability

Reason 5

I couldn't say I love you.

He held my hand, our fingers interlocked as we stood with our feet buried deep in the sand. Dark water pools around us, seeping into the moist ground as it licks our legs. A black sky hangs above us, stars swimming and its tight hold on the new moon. Orion's Belt shone brightly, grasping my attention easily. Petite waves rolled up the shore, driven with a zealous attempt to knock us down. Salty air encompasses us as we watch the sun's slow descent. The black moon continues its own ascent, clawing its way up as a thin silver strip surrounds it.

Legs bared to the world, I stood tall. The only thing covering me was a black slip dress and a gray, long-sleeved henley. The already soaked bikini under it was invisible behind my few layers of clothing. The ocean's water still clung to my skin, pulling the thin material of my dress close to me so that it was like a second skin. Doc Martins hung loosely from the tips of my fingers. Soft summer breezes pushed my coal-black hair out of my face, my green-eyed graze sweeping across the scenery.

A beach, the stars, and salty air.

Brown locks fell to his forehead, hovering above the bridge of his nose. His golden eyes pierced straight through me, holding me still as he stared with an adoring gaze. Body slightly turned in my direction and a soft smile on his lips, it should've been perfect. The warmth in his hand grew as he shuffled closer to me, his body heat overpowering my own. Soft breaths fanned against my skin, causing goosebumps to rise. He turned my body around, gently forcing me to meet his eyes. I use this time to really take him in.

With his jeans rolled up and a simple graphic tee, everything felt calm and normal. I felt like nothing could go wrong.

I couldn't have been more incorrect.

"I love you..." he breathes out, his hazel eyes filled with relief. His back straightened, like as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders. Dark curls tickled my brow as he pressed his forehead against mine, his warm breath fanning against my lips. The warmth of his arms around my waist kept me rooted to the ground as the reality of his words came swinging my way.

"Stop."

"What?" Allen says, pulling back from me with a frown gracing his lips.

"I said stop."

"Stop what, Delia?" he raises his hands to my face, cupping both of my cheeks. One hand goes to push a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Stop with the 'I love you' stuff!" I say with exasperation, yanking his hands away from me. 

"I'm sorry if I'm coming off too strongly, but I want you to know how I feel!" he practically yells at me, his tone becoming defensive. I look into his eyes, guilty for the way I feel. We've been together for almost nine months by now, but I still have yet to say the three magic words.

The problem is: 

I can't, I just can't say it.

"It's of no use, though!" I snap, twisting my body away from him. I start to walk away, tears running down my cheeks. Something in my chest begins to twist painfully, a fire spreading throughout my body.

"And why is that!?" Allen yells, chasing after me. An olive hand of his reaches out and pulls me back to him. My heart stops at that, happy that he is finally angry. I was getting tired of this, I am tired of this. 

I push him away from me again and turn back around. A wave of emotions comes crashing down as the waters edging closer to me become harsher. Silent thoughts buzz around in my head, my hand gripping my hair as I tug it in angst. Something in my chest begins to twist painfully, a fire spreading throughout my body.

Why!?" he yells. That sends me over the edge.

"BECAUSE! I DON'T LOVE YOU!" I scream, my lungs burning from the vibrations pushing words up my throat. Oxygen claws at my organs as adrenaline pumps through my veins. With my chest heaving up and down, I don't notice his heart-broken face. Still selfishly preoccupied with myself, and trying to breathe again, I don't notice how much I've hurt him. Finally looking at his facial features, a small part of me dies. 

No. No, no, no, no, no. 

Then comes that feeling at the pit of my stomach, kicking and punching my inner walls. Heart-wrenching aches echo through my body as I come to a realization, finally diagnosing this feeling that appeared when around him.

Love.

I did love him, and I still do. I was just too blind and stubborn to see that. As the tears reach the top of my tongue, my throat tenses, threatening to not allow me to talk. That same pain appears in my chest, yanking at my heartstrings as the defeated look on Allen's face shoots me hard in the heart. My hand raises to my mouth in shock as the words repeat themselves in my head, stabbing and putting salt on the fresh wounds of my regretful actions. Past sins come washing back over me as I think back to when he asked me to the dance. I grimace at the pain that stretches throughout my body, causing full-blown waterfalls to pour out of me.

Allen starts slowly backing away from me, his eyes glassy with his own tears. With his mouth slightly ajar and salty droplets tainting his cheeks, I felt his pain. He seemed like he was about to reach out to me, but thought better of it. Turning his back to me, he runs. Away from me, away from my words, away from us. Sand rolls beneath my feet as I chase him, begging him to stop. I refused to let this happened after only coming to the realization, one that I should've seen and accepted sooner. I refused to watch him run away from my grasp because of a weakness, because of my inability to say I love you. And because of my inability to see clearly. 

But he did run, I did lose him. 

That day, my entire world crumbled beneath my feet. That day, everything became the ruin of my past and, now, my future. 

That day, I lost him; the boy I loved.