funny jelly beans

Hi! My name is Kristoffer Ian Micheal Reyes and my friends calls me “ICE”. Ewan ko ba kung bakit naging ganun ang tawag nila. Hindi naman ako cool guy at lalong hindi presko o mayabang. I'm just an averange looking guy at sabi rin nila hawig ko yung artistang si Aga (dark version nga lang). But for me when I looked at myself sa mirror parang hindi naman. Oo, parehas kaming may dimples pero talagang mas gwapo siya kaysa sa akin. Serious, conservative but may tinatagong ring kalog at topak sa loob, 'yun ako. I guess it's all started my friends calling me “ICE” when they heard and knew about what happen to my parents. I was young at that time almost 10 years old when my parents died dahil sa accident. Nagising na lang ako noon dahil sa ingay, parang hindi ko maintindihan kung anong commontion meron. Lumabas ako ng room ko and I heard my tita Claire saying;
“kawawa naman ang pamangkin ko. My God! Ian is only 9. Ano bang sabi ni Capt. Paredes at Gen. Llanes? Dapat kahapon pa dumating sila.”
Kaya mas lalo akong naguluhan. Ano bang meron at nandito ang mga relatives ko at ako kawawa, bakit? Wala naman akong ginagawang kasalanan and beside di naman ako pinapalo ng parents ko. Capt. Paredes...Gen. Llanes, sino mga yun? Then everybody was shocked when they saw me awake and standing sa sala. Complete silence and I felt the time was stop and got frozen. Ang worst pa dito all eyes were looking at me. My lola approaches me and gave me a hug. Calmly, my lola open her lips and said;
“Iho, your Mom and Dad won't be here anymore.”
At dahil bata, I said to her;
“No, lola! Did you forget they went to Cebu for business and they will be back tomorrow because it's Sunday, Family Day!”
My lola just hug me again and whispered;
“Be strong.”
And I heard my tita saying;
“Ian, don't argued. Go to your room, it's past your bedtime.”
So I went back to my room. Syempre dahil nagising na ako, di ako agad makatulog. I remember that night, I'm trying to decipher what's really happening, kaso dahil bata at di basta-basta pwedeng sumali sa usapan ng mga elders, hayun hanggang nakatulugan ko na lang. Nagising na lang ako sa alog ng yaya/kasam-bahay namin at inuutusan akong maligo at magbihis dahil aalis kami, I thought it's already Sunday kaya dali-dali akong bumangon dahil alam ko susunduin sina Mommy at Daddy sa airport. When I went out sa room ko, bihis na ako and ready to go. But I know I need to eat my breakfast kaya diretsyo sa kitchen. I saw my lola wearing a white dress and fixing sandwiches, I guess that's my food kaso and dami ata. Well, I just ignore it and went to my lola and gave her a kiss. I sat down at the table, got one slice of bread, took a bite and while eating, I'm waiting for my lola to tell me what happen last night kaso halos maubos ko na yung kinuha kong bread wala pa ring kwento. Di ko tuloy alam kung I need to ask her or just behave as usual. Suddenly, a familiar voice spoke to my back;
“Ready na pala yung gwapo kong pamangkin.”
And I said;
“Tita, my hair!”
Wow naman, tama bang guluhin ang buhok. Pagkatapos kong ayusin at lagyan ng moose, Shameeeeeeeee...;
“Alam mo Ian kahit anong hairstyle bagay sayo kasi you are really good looking.”
Di na ako sumagot, kung bola man yun o hindi wala na akong pake, bad trip na ko eh. (guluhin ba naman ang isang bagay na inayos mo, gawin ko kaya sa kanya 'yon kung hindi s'ya mag-freak out) I just found myself playing my psp sa loob ng van habang papuntang airport. Napansin ko na lang na hindi ito yung way papunta dun, hindi rin naman short-cut. I immediately stop playing, look at the window and figuring out where we are going. Until we arrived at this place with big black metal gate. After a few minutes, the van stop. Bumababa kami then my lola hold my hand and looked at me;
“Iho, be strong.”
We slowly walk to this glass building, sensor front door, carpeted and two nice ladies standing in-front of a marble black table. Parang 'yung isang condo namin sa shang, pero  mukhang hindi naman ganun dito. Una, ang panget ng place. Second, wala atang mall na pwedeng puntahan. Oo, fresh air sa labas pero sobrang tahimik. Ang weird naman kung dito ka nakatira. Anyway, we took the elevator and went straight to 8th floor. As the elevator door open, I saw three rooms but only one was open and it had lots of flowers (akala ko may party). Many people were there, only few I know and I could recognized (mukhang may party nga, pero bakit walang music). Then there it was, two white coffin.     Right there, I understood why my lola keeps reminding me about being strong, I now figure it out what was this place. Bumitaw ako sa pagkakahawak sa lola ko. Tapos, I ran dun sa coffin hoping that it's not them. As I pulled a chair (para may matungtungan) just to see kung sino 'yung nasa loob ng coffin while somebody helping me with it. Boom! It's true...sila na nga. Right there and then, I wanted to cry kaso I just stood there. I felt coldness like someone covering me a ice blanket, and I couldn't talk. I know I'm still awake and I'm still standing in-front of my parents kasi I could hear people talking about me. They are saying that I am the only son who was left behind, that they feel pity for me, so many things that I can't hardly understand. I tried blinking my eyes and hoping that I'm just dreaming, still the same. I even tried pinching myself for the same reason and nothing happen. Until and I notice my feet starting to feel numb. Maybe because I stood there for an hour and so (I guess). I remember almost everyone tried to talk to me and telling me to sit down and get a rest. Also I heard my lola a while ago saying;
“Let him, let him stay”
And believe it or not, no one can talked to me for 3 days, even my lola. All I did was looked at my parents. Iling at tango lang ang kaya kong gawin nun, even I wanted to talk I just can't. Hindi dahil suplado ako o sobrang trauma. No words is coming out of my mouth, maski luha wala ring lumalabas sa mga mata ko, na kahit I felt this deep sorrow pain inside wala talaga. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi rin naman ako ng concert para mawalang ng boses and I remember before seeing my dead parents bad trip na ko nun dahil ginulo ang buhok ko ng tita ko kaya di ako dumaldal. Pero hindi talaga 'yung ang mahalaga sa akin, mas gumugulo sa isip ko kung bakit di tumutulo ang luha ko kahit ang sakit-sakit na sa loob at gustong-gusto ko ng umiyak. Hindi na ba ako marunong umiyak? Naubos na ba ang mga luha ko? Eh paano mauubos ni hindi nga ako umiiyak ng madalas. Ang mas nakakainis dito gusto mong umiyak di mo magawa, hindi mo rin masabi sa magulang mo kung anong nanyayari sa'yo o maski sa relative mo, obviuosly sa parents walang pag-asa. Samantalang sa relatives naman, mga busy sa mga dumadalaw. Naisip ko tuloy parang gusto kong gayahin yung mga nakikita kong mga kaedaran ko na di pinayagan o kaya di nakuha 'yung gustong  laruan, nagwawala sa sahig. Maglupasay nga kaya ako dito! 'Yung bang gumawa ng malaking eksena tulad ng mga kaklase ko, tutal may gumawa na rin dito, gayahin ko kaya. Baka pag nagawa ko 'yun bumalik 'yung boses ko, lalong-lalo na 'yung luha ko. Kaya lang papagalit lang ako tulad ng nangyayari pag may batang ganun, baka paluin pa ko. Hayyyyy...funny jelly beans! ('yan ang term ko ng mura nun bata...hahaha, bawal kasi at para di halata. Pero hindi ako ang nagpauso ng android app, hahaha). Wala naman sigurong mawawala kung susubukan ko. Pero baka pagtawanan lang ako kasi kung tutuusin parang si Mr. Bean ako...naglulupasay na walang sound at umiiyak na walang luha...funny jelly beans times 2 times 2! Okay it's an idea but a bad one. Don't panic, 3 days pa lang naman saka mukhang di naman ako nahahalata. Nun panahon na yun when it rains talaga it pours. Wala ka ng boses, wala ng luha, wala ng magulang at mukhang wala rin akong solusyon. Ano bang nagawa kong kasalanan at sinalo ko na ata lahat ng kamalasan sa mundo ibabaw. Be strong sabi nga ni lola, I guess I should. Akala ko nun bata ako ang ibig sabihin ng strong 'yung kayang bumuhat ng isang malaking building, parang si superman. Eto pala yung pilit na pinaiintindi sa akin ni lola. Be strong means being prepared for facing what's ahead of you, being ready to almost everything. And I admit that's the start I learned the reality of life.
Fourth day, the final wake. May mass nun and I attend (no choice naman eh), took the communion. Before the mass ended, the priest gave his message. While talking he approaches me;
“H'wag ninyong kaawaan si Michael dahil iniwan siya. Maging magulang kayo para sa kanya. Give him the guidance, the love and most of all treat him and see him as a normal person with special needs.”
The priest kneel down and did the face to face move (akala ko nga hahalikan ako) he said;
“Michael can you promise one thing?”
I just looked straight at him.
“Promise in-front of your parents that you will always put into your heart and mind that everything that happen is not your fault. Also ('yan ang hirap sa mga matatanda, sabi one thing lang, eh bakit may also pa?) you will live your life with love and happiness. Always remember (si father talaga...humirit pa ng isa) be the good person that your parents want you to be.”
I'm a little bit scared because of my condition, tumatakbo sa utak ko kung ano bang dapat gawin, dati bang gawe na tatango na lang ako. I just continue looking at him and keeping myself still. Bahala na! funny jelly beans. Then I opened my lips;
“Opo.”
Finally, it's a miracle! I heard again my own voice (imagine for 3 days not even a single word). Akala ko nga may second miracle pa, I'm expecting that my tears will fall. At that moment I don't care if tears of joy or tears of sorrow basta gusto kong umiyak just to take out and ease this pain na nasa loob ko. Kaso funny jelly beans talaga false alarm. Natapos si father, the mass ended, time to go sa final place.  Everybody is packing up and preparing. I noticed that everyone was good to me and may extra concern pa, siguro dahil narinig nila akong nagsalita kanina. But still kuripot pa rin ako sa mga sagot ko (baka kasi maubos ulit...hehehe). I don't feel like talking to anyone kahit medyo nabawasan na yung problema ko. At that point of time, I only wanted to talk to my Mom and Dad (di naman pwede at di naman sila sasagot). Heto na, we arrived at this solemn place. May isang malaking tent, mga silya, bulaklak at mga taong nakaupo. May naglalakad, may nakatayo at may nag-uusap usap. Two coffins were placed on top of a machine that will lower it down beneath the ground. I was standing between the coffins and my lola at my left side. Everybody was now sitting except the person who was talking and sharing what they experience from my parents when they are still alive. I heard lots of good things about them and how they were blessed, proud and how they considered it a big lost for each and everyone (sadly for me, my parents won't heard it how they were great). My lola walked  infront of everyone, it was now her turn to share;
“Good day! I'm Mrs. Reyes and I'm 82 years old. As of this moment, I live my life the way I planned it and without no regrets (A long paused made by her). I truly loved my son as unconditionally as a mother can give to her own child. I'm not perfect as I wanted to be but for the eyes of my son, I was (a short pause and now I can heard the sad voice), even for his wife (now a trembling voice). I don't want to take this moment as an ending of a story of two good people. I wanted it to be the beginning. The start of the story on how the two people making it different by giving and sharing good deeds without expecting in return. On how they made a big change and influence every person that walks in their lives. I wish that it would still continue what they gave to each and everyone. Today, I only have one regret and that is out living my child and his wife (a long silence and you can felt the emptiness of everyone). I know I can still make it through for my iho...(My lola looked at me and I saw the tears rushing down to her cheeks. A simple smile I saw, a empty smile trying to hide the pain, a smile trying to be strong) I now will say my goodbye for them as I close my story. My deepest appreciation for giving time and sharing your own story.”
I wanted to go and run to my lola but my feet don't want to take a single step. I'm hesitating and it felt like I don't want to leave my parents. Suddenly, someone put a hand on top of my shoulder. Gently squeezing and rubbing it. As I looked up I saw my tita Claire doing it and she was also crying like my lola. Even she was trying to dry her eyes with her white hanky, the tears still continue to fall. Calmly it may seem, but I saw everybody feeling the sadness and almost everyone were in tears except myself. My lola slowly walked towards the coffins while my tita Sandy approaches and gave a single strand of white lily to my lola. Then everyone stand up and they were forming a single line. My older cousin (2 years ahead of me) Michelle gave me also a white lily then she continue helping the distribution of the flowers together with Eric (also my cousin same age of Michelle). Now as I watched my parents coffins slowly lowering into the ground, people were starting to throw the white lily on top of two coffins. As they finished throwing the flower, they walked and they passed at my back. Some of them touches me, on my shoulder, at my hand, on top of my head. Some were kissing me at my cheek and some were just giving a simple hug from my back. I just stood there, staring at the space between the two coffins and with the white lily I'm holding at my right hand, I waited and waited for my tears. As the pain of sorrow were getting bigger and slowly cutting deep inside, it slowly crushing my heart into pieces. It felt like a hundred thousand of needles were poking into it, like there was someone inside of it who was so angry and wanted to rip it apart. Then my lola grasp my left hand and she threw the white lily that she was holding. I know holding my hand at the time was the sign for me to let go. A way of telling me it's time to throw what I am holding inside and out. But honestly I don't want to. Maybe I wanted the moment to be longer, extend it even for a few seconds. I know once I throw this funny jelly bean white flower, it will end. But what can I do? I don't have any choice but to gather all my strength and let it go. While still holding my lola's hand I slowly kneel down on the ground. As I prepare myself for my goodbye, I opened my lips and my last words were;
“I will miss both of you...I love you so much Dad and Mom, bye bye.”
I stood up as I look for the last time the two coffin, the remain of my Dad and Mom. I turned my back and hug my lola (still no tears but the pain can't hardly explain). I just found myself inside our van. I couldn't remember how and when I got there. Quietly, while my eyes close, I'm observing and making myself aware of all the things that surrounded by me. I tried to peek and saw Mang Ben ('yung matagal na panot na mabait naming driver) katabi si Uncle Ted (husband of my tita Claire, which is the older sister of my Mom, the mother and father of my older cousin Michelle) sa harapang upuan ng van. Beside me was Michelle, Eric and my lola (base sa narinig kong mga boses). At the backseat I also heard tito Gannie and tita Sandy (parents of Eric and tito Gannie was the younger brother of my Mom). As I stay pretending that I'm still sleeping, I heard Michelle talking like whispering to Eric about something. She was asking if Eric saw me crying. Eric just quickly giggle and softly say;
“Are you that stupid? Of course I saw him crying. I always make him cry when he was 5 or 6 years of age, remember?”
Michelle with a soft but authoritative voice;
“You are the stupid one, I'm asking if you saw him cried these past few days! I know when we were younger we frequently make him cry and he cries a lot, hahaha...But these past few days I didn't saw him even once.”
A short silence. Then once again I heard Eric;
“Hmmm...I think you are right. I also notice he was only in one place, his like a miniature toy that can't be move until someone move it.”
A irritating voice (parang conyong jolog ang dating) of Michelle follows;
“Oh! My Goodness! My poor handsome cousin Ian, starting to have coh..coohhh.”
“Don't be like that, he's not crazy and he's still our cousin. And beside it's really hard loosing your parents ('yan ang gusto ko kay kuya Eric, kahit makulit handa akong ipagtanggol).”
“You make sense...”
“Michelle, it's called common sense.”
Annoying tone from maarte kong cousin;
“Yah, right!?!?”
Suddenly, my lola spoke and telling Eric and Michelle to stop whispering because it's not decent and proper to act like that. Lola explain how they should and when to act decently. She told that if there were different people around them and they were whispering, that said people may think that they were the topic of the whsipering silent conversation and maybe they will think that you are telling bad things on their back. Knowing my kuya Eric he will react kaso inunahan na siya ni tito Gannie;
“Eric your lola is right. So stop it! Okay?”
I wanted to cheer not because someone someone was on my side or someone was fighting for me unintentionally (hindi naman nila alam or narinig kung ano 'yun pinagbubulungan nun dalawa). Natutuwa kasi ako dahil pinagsabihan sila, my funny jelly beans...hahaha. My quiet victory revenge, my sort of justice without making an effort and doing nothing (ooppss...mayroon pala akong ginawang isang bagay. Pretending that I'm sleeping, hehehe). As we arrived at my parents house, I heard my lola asking my two cousin to wake me up, and they did. Kaso wala ako sa mood nun panahon na 'yun kaya walang sabi-sabi, deretsyo ako sa kwarto ko. Narinig ko pa nga tinawag ang pangalan ko ni tita Claire pero I just ignore it. Di ko trip makipagkwentuhan o kaya makipaglaro at maski kumain wala akong gana. Tapos di ko lang sure kung sino 'yung nagsalita para ipagtanggol ako pero ang sabi;
“His tired and he need to rest. Masyadong stress na 'yung bata kaya hayaan ninyo munang makapagpahinga at makapag-isa. He have to much on his plate, knowing the fact at this young age.”
I guess it's true. I need my space and my own rest. Even though I didn't understand at that time what they meant about having to much on my plate. Inside my room, I couldn't sleep. Kahit anong gawin kong position, kahit anong baliktad ko hindi ako makatulog talaga. Ilang tupa na nga ang nabilang ko wala pa rin epekto. Wala naman akong iniisip, pero ayaw akong dalawin ng antok. Hanggang sa sumabog na ako. Hindi ko na napigilan 'yung sarili ko, kasi ba naman pati ba antok mawawala na sa akin. Kababalik nga lang ng boses ko at 'yung luha ko naliligaw pa ata hanggang ngayon. Tapos, antok naman! Funny jelly beans 10 thousand times. Kaya 'yun, kaboom! I was so angry and mad... I keep asking myself and trying to came up for a good reason why these things happening on me. The more I think, the more sadly I became. I was so fraustrated at myself for not having any answer. Without indecisiveness, I snapped and punch the concrete wall. Out of nowhere I felt like I need to hurt myself. I don't know how many times my right hand solidly landed at the concrete wall. I just stop punching when I saw my wall with a red liquid color stain. I looked at my right hand and I saw blood. It was slowly dripping but I don't feel any pain. Mayroon pamamanhid pero 'yun lang, wala ng iba. I began watching my hand with blood. Habang tinitignan ko sya, dahan-dahan kong iniikot yung kamay ko papuntang kanan tapos papuntang kaliwa. Parang mayroon akong pattern na sinusunod, ewan ko kung 'yung daloy ba ng dugo o 'yung mga maliliit na ugat na nakikita ko sa kamay ko. Siguro naglalaro lang ako, na ang goal ko ay hindi dapat tumulo sa sahig 'yung dugo. Nagulat na lang ako bigla nun biglang may narinig akong mga katok sa pinto;
“Ian, Are you okay? (it was tita Sandy) We heard a banging noise outside and it's coming inside your room. Is everything okay?”
Here comes the lie, my very first time to lie;
“Yes tita, I'm fine. I'm just fixing something.”
As I expected, magtatanong ulit;
“Are you sure, you are okay? Can you open this door so I can see inside?”
Sumagot lang ako ng malakas na jolly voice;
“Yes tita everything is okay and I'm taking a bath. You can't come here, sorry.”
“Ahhh, okay! If you say so. Ahhh, Ian if you need something...anything, you can tell us.”
A loud and cold voice;
“Thanks tita Sandy!”
Tapos, pumunta agad ako sa loob ng banyo. Binuksan ko yung shower at hinayaan lang na bukas ang pinto ng banyo (para lang marinig 'yung lagaslas ng tubig). Para kung may nakikinig sa pintuan ng kwarto ko, ang iisipin naliligo talaga ako. Wala akong balak maligo kahit nasa loob na ako ng banyo. Pinapakinggan ko lang 'yung tunog ng tubig na tumatama sa tiles, habang nakaupo sa toilet bowl. Pinagpatuloy kong pinagmamasdan ang aking kamay. Bumuntung-hiningan ng malalim at tumayo. I saw my reflection on the mirror. I did saw a different image which I never notice before. Sa loob ng salamin may isang bata na mula ulo at kalahati ng kanyang dibdib ang kayang makita. Yumuko ako para kunin 'yung maliit na bangkitong monoblock na gamit kong tungtungan para ako'y tumangkad at sumakto sa salamin. Once again, I closely check myself infront of the mirror. I saw my bloody right hand, some blood stain on my t-shirt and some of it on my face. Again, I asked the boy inside the mirror if he knew what was really happening (nakatitig lang siya sa akin, para ring nag-aantay ng kasagutan). I was thinking at that time if I am still me. Looking at image from the mirror, made me think that I look the same but different. I'm wondering what will happen next, ano bang nangyayari sa akin at kung paano na ako ngayon. I took a deep breath and I looked again at myself. I tried putting a smile (kahit fake) just to make things lighter. Wala atang nagbago kaya binaling ko na lang ang atensyon ko lababo. Binuksan ko 'yung faucet, binasa ko 'yung mukha ko, sinabon at tuluyang ng naghilamos.  Muli kong sinilip ang salamin, kahit may naiwan na konting bula sa mukha ay ayos lang. Nawala na rin 'yung talsik ng dugo kaya yumuko ako at hinayaang na lang tumulo ang tubig sa aking ulo. Randam ko ang lamig, ang bawat agos na dumadaloy sa aking ulo pababa ng aking mukha. Ang ibang daloy ng tubig ay napupunta sa bahagi ng aking mata, para akong lumuluha na (siguro pagod na yung tear duct ko kaya ayaw ng magtrabaho). Nun nagsawa na akong padaanin ang tubig sa aking mga mata, ang aking kamay naman ang inasikaso. May mga sugat akong nakita habang hinuhugasan ko ito pero sabi ko sa sarili ko;
“Okay lang, malayo naman sa bituka.”
Bumababa ako sa bangkito at kinuha ko 'yung bath towel. Habang nagpupunas ako ng mukha at mga kamay, naitanong ko sa sarili ko kung may amnesia na ba ako at nalimutan ko ng umiyak. Kailan pa ba 'yung huling iyak ko? I guess it was two years ago when my parents went somewhere (I couldn't remember where) and they will stay there for almost a week. I know at that time I can't go with them because of school days. Also I remember before they left, they make sure that I was okay. I knew that was the point I started to feel independent (Imagine I was the Man of the house, kahit saglit lang 'yun. Ako pa rin ang boss, amo, presidente bukod pa sa senyorito at sir). That was the last time I could remember I cried. It was the day that made me realized about the reality of one day I shall and should stand on my own feet (but please not now, it's too early for me). Am I a robot? I felt I was, sort of. A battery operated moving machine without any feeling. Ganun na ba ako ngayon? A stone cold person. Ewan ko, di ko alam at hindi ko kayang sagutin. Pero kung robot ako, eh ano itong nararamdaman kong sakit, 'yung kalungkutan at emptiness?