I dont know what to do anymore, well besides trying to help others but i mean with myself, (*as selfish as it may seem, you have to help yourself before you can help others*, qoute) I dont help myself, i cant be fixed or even mended a little, im beyond the need for help, i have so many people I worry about (Bella, Naoka, Kneesha, Luke, Iris, Lilly, Neita, Emeric, Chloe, Ryan, Josie, Holly, Charlotte, Mum, Dad, Huntah, Cliff, Peter, Jaidyn, Matilda, Nan, Pop, Nanna Bella, Auntie Shell, (family), (some family of friends) and some others).
Is it bad to be head over heels (madley in love) with a person that hurts you (mentality), i love this guy so much but i.....i just cant do the hurt anymore, i dont want to leave him (break up) i want to be with him for as long as i live but yeah.
Im under so much stress with school, work and cadets and my grandparents are expecting BIG things from me but i cant do BIG things, they're controlling my life, yelling at me and rushing me, work is getting difficult, i do the same thing everyday but i keep stuffing up and i can tell its annoying my supervisors, i'll most likely be fired soon, cadets, their sending me to JLC, to become a leader, a role model, i dont know why, i cant remember anything that im taught, i have not faith, i have no self confidence, i doubt myself and i hate myself if i stuff up, i cant be a leader no one will or would listen to me, i'd stuff up all the time, and im scared, JLC its the big smoke, high ranks, everything has to be perfect and i dont know anyone who's going, I'll be alone with no help so i'll fail and not be promoted.
Assessment on assessment on test on test on school in general, im waiting on test and assessments to see if i failed or not, all of the tests and assessments ive got back I've looked at the mark and I've ripped them up and thrown them in the bin, i fail all my tests, so far I've passed one test (31/38-82%/100%) and they made me do a harder one, so now im worrying if i passed that one, only because if i pass my grade can go up on my report, im scared I'll get D's and E's on my report card and that my family will be angry with me(currently 11:30pm).
tonight (29,11,16), i punched a wall, haven't done that properly since ANZAC Day (broke my right hand nuckle), my hand ended up a little swollen but nobody noticed, the reason for me punching the wall is because my "boyfriend" said that he wont be able to call tonight because he's calling Lilly, because tom and larnie were flirting (omg nooo, the guy lilly turned down was flirting with a girl who's fucked my brother, dont worry luke I'll be fine with you calling your ex that you've fucked twice, (once while we were dating), i hope the call last all night(ours dont because he hangs up), he might as well fuck her and get her pregnant), im a real angry person with a bad temper, mess with my friends or family and you'll end up in a morge.
Its bad when cutting becomes a habbit and addictive, ive got scars from my knees up to my shoulders and i have a scalpel in my room near my bed and i bring it with me when i go on camps with cadets, I've stopped cutting but tonight i was close to doing it, so close.
I wish i was normal, that i didn't feel pain, that i wasnt so injured, my hips ach, knees pop out, ancles swell, my body is just always in pain and panadol and pain killers don't work so i can't stop the pain.
People wonder why im lazy and dont do sport, well if i sweat then i get itchy and its painful and annoying.
I just want to sleep and never wake up, but its hard to sleep when you wake up constantly, every night i wake up constantly, some times its takes hours to fall back asleep, some time minutes or seconds, i just wish i could have a good sleep without waking up.
('You want her, you need her, and i'll never be her', thought)
Im currently (11:50pm) laying in bed writing this and listening to sad and depressing music, my left leg hurts and i want to disappear, but i cant, im to soft hearted to leave the people that say they care (they dont though so i should just leave)
I want to get at least 1,000 words writing this
(:I hate love:,thought)
I say sorry a lot, like if someone pushes me into a wall I'll be the one who says sorry, i guess im just used to being blamed for everything that saying sorry has became a habbit.
He's still on the phone to lilly(i think), like come on, im your girlfriend, not her, so what if the guy she turned down was flirting with someone else, its her fault anyway, she could of said yes instead of leading him on. (my music stopped but its back)
(My legs are dangling off the edge-bullet by Hollywood Undead)
I just wanna scream until i lose my voice, i wann punch until my nuckles bleed and break.
(I wish that i could fly, way up in the sky, like a bird so high, oh i might just try)
"Im here for you" or "I'll be there for you" or "im here to support you", oh really, you'll be there to catch the tears that run down my check and off my face, so you'll be there to support me when i have cuts all over and cant walk due to lose of blood, you'll be here to talk to me out of suicde, you said you would be there but you weren't. Every cut means i needed someone but no one was there, you say that you were only a text away, a call away, you say you know me so well that you know when im lying, well i lie almost everyday, half the time the smile i wear is fake, my hearts slowly breaking, my bloods racing out of my body, dont tell me you'll be there if you're not going to, dont tell me you'll stay if you're going to leave, dont say you love me if you dont.
I got more words then expected.
bye........
(12:19pm, 11,24 words)
