He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not... (boyxboy)

...un peu

I never really knew where I sat with Stoner.

After the daisy picking at my mother's 'garden soirée', I'd seen Stoner a few times around town; drinking milkshakes with his friends at the local cafe, skateboarding near the fountains in the park, even once at the library as he looked through books.

Each time, he would make eye contact with me, as if he knew that I was looking at him, and gave me a small wave with that lopsided grin on his face, before going back to whatever he was doing, not sparing me a second glance.

And as the pathetic loser I've always been, I was enamoured by the fact that Stoner was giving me the time of day to even acknowledge my existence.

Just one of the downsides of being painfully average, I guess.

Stoner, on the other hand, was always above and beyond, surprising me in ways I never expected, like the time he appeared at my table in the library, a big stack of books in hand. 

"Hey Callum, do you mind if I sit here?" he'd asked.

"It's Connor," I corrected absent-mindedly, too used to people not remembering who I was, as I cleared some space on the table for him. "But go ahead."

"Thanks, Connor," Stoner smiled, looking almost apologetic with his blunder as he settled himself in his seat.

As he opened the first book and began to read, I took a scan of the room, noticing the several empty tables around us. Intrigued by what he was doing, I asked, "what're you reading?"

Stoner put a finger up, indicating that I should wait as he finished what he was reading, serious concentration clear on his face. "I'm going on a date with this girl after school today and she's really into philosophy and stuff," he told me once he was done with his paragraph. "Thought I should read up on it so we can have something to talk about."

I'd deflated at the mention of a date, like I ever had a chance with someone like Stoner Wallis.

"Philosophy is really broad, do you know what kind she likes?" I asked, wanting to keep the conversation going nonetheless. The more he spoke to me, the less he'd know for his date.

Was that petty?

The thrill I felt as he shrugged definitely was. 

"I can teach you a bit of what I know about philosophy, if you'd like?" I'd suggested after that, swooping in and taking advantage of the opportunity like some harpy, as he accepted enthusiastically.

I told him as much as I knew, relaying all that I could remember from the times my father would teach me things on lazy Sunday afternoons, like Plato and his cave, Descartes thinking himself into existence, even Camus' absurd interpretation of the Sisyphean nightmare.

"It's incredible that some people spent their lives thinking about things like this," Stoner thought aloud, his russet eyebrows shot up in wonder. "I wish I had a mind that could think that deeply."

My mind splashed around feebly, floundering as it tried to think of something, anything I could say to keep him there with me, but soon drowned in all the possibilities. 

Not that it mattered.

Stoner began to pack his book bag, standing up and pushing in his chair as he thanked me for the help. "See you 'round," he said, with a lopsided smile and an almost imperceptible wink that caused my heart to race.

Life returned to normal after that.

A bleak, gray, normal.

I'd watch from afar, as I always had, observing the technicolour life Stoner and his friends lived in, wondering what it would be like to be like them, not having to existed in a black and white dullness like the rest of us.

Wondering when I'd get to experience that again.

"See you 'round" is a very vague thing to say, implying that you'll see one another again, but nothing definitive, nothing planned. Just a pleasantry, isn't it? Just something you say to be nice, even if you don't have any intentions to see that person ever again.

I never expected to see Stoner again after that.

Wished, hoped, dreamed - for sure.

But never expected.

This is Stoner we're talking about, however, so nothing should be expected. 

Or unexpected.

A tap on my shoulder only a few weeks later, as I waited in line for tickets to the latest superhero movie, was definitely unexpected. Coming face-to-face with Stoner was an ever bigger one, as he asked me, "Hey Colton, what's up?"

"It's Connor," I felt myself correct him by instinct.

"Yeah, I know, I'm just teasing," he replied with a light laugh, that grin plastered on his face and a sparkle in his eyes. "So what're you in line for?"

"Oh, uh, I'm just gonna see the new Spiderman," I shrugged, still as nervous as ever.

Even more so when Stoner grabbed a hold on my wrist and pulled me out of the line, telling me, "No you're not!"

"Why? What am I seeing?" was all I could think to ask, not wanting his hand to come off my wrist as he pulled me along to the candy bar, not even bothered that he had changed my evening plans for a movie I had actually really wanted to see.

"The new Stab movie with me," Stoner told me, leaning towards me to mutter "my date stood me up" in a tone that said to not discuss it any further, before he ordered us both drinks and snacks.

Looking back now, I realise that this was Stoner's way of taking me out on our first date.