Hotel Scenes from the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels

Chapter 5

From The Alchemists Of Vra, Chapter 25

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In which Oscar and Vaasi-Vee are chaperoned to a chateau high in the Alps of the Mahlese mountains, which leaves them feeling more uncomfortable than if the Alp's pointy bits were physically inserted into them.

They passed beneath a stone archway and entered an exquisitely manicured winter courtyard where a gardener was mowing some snow. There were ice sculptures, too, shaped like trees, and a fountain with its water frozen. The chateau looked rather like a castle, but without the pointy bits and with more snow. Oscar and Vaasi-Vee glanced at each other; it looked like the sort of place one had to book several lifetimes in advance, and take out a mortgage for the deposit.

Several animals weighed down with masses of jewellery skied from its entrance. They laughed expensively until falling over, after which they attached stabilising skis to their elbows to help balance their swathes of riches. The D'dôdôSette strode up the chateau's steps, where a well-rugged attendant bowed so deeply that he also fell over. Oscar wondered about helping him up, before realising he probably couldn't afford to. The D'dôdôSette marched into the chateau's innards, which turned out to be as spectacular as its outards—though with less snow and mountains and sky. Chandeliers hung like frozen rain in hallways smelling of smoke-stained oak. The carpet upon which they trod was red, at least a paw thick and probably still the original. Upon pedestals stood suits of armour, with halberds held to attention should their need arise—which seemed unlikely: should enemies ever attempt the climb, they'd be exhausted and probably ask to be helped back down again.

Passing elegant rooms, Oscar and Vaasi-Vee glimpsed animals relaxing and reading and smoking and dining. Some were deep in conversation, others not so inclined and a few caught in indignant combinations of both. Regardless, they were all comfortable in such palatial surrounds, unlike Oscar and Vaasi-Vee, who glanced at each other worriedly.

At a door, the D'dôdô-Sette stopped and knocked. It was opened to reveal a room not unlike those they'd passed. Amidst the murmur of conversation and chinking of glasses, soft music played through air smelling of vanilla and baking. The D'dôdô-Sette stepped aside for Vaasi-Vee to enter. Hesitantly, she did so. But before Oscar could do the same, he pushed in front. Posh animals looked up, before smiling at the famous bard and his beautiful guest. Their expressions fell, however, when Oscar's grubbiness followed.

With a sort of expensive efficiency, a waiter bowed and fell over, before ushering the D'dôdô-Sette and Vaasi-Vee to a table. After the D'dôdôSette had given instructions, the waiter bowed, fell over a second time, and scrabbled away. Oscar stood beside them awkwardly, waiting for another dainty sneeze. Several nearby patrons glared at him as though he were coated in sick, and one gagged as though about to be.

"Why do they keep falling over?" Vaasi-Vee asked, watching the waiter limp between tables.

"It's a traditional thing," the D'dôdôSette said. "It implies a gratitude to serve animals like me so overwhelming, that they lose consciousness."

"They faint?"

"Yes. It demonstrates our worthiness through a distinct lack of their own."

"But that's dreadful!"

"Well, Plempt did try and remove such customs during their tourism campaign, but it didn't have much effect."

"Why not?"

"Because their gratitude in serving animals like me is so overwhelming that they lose consciousness." He looked at Oscar. "You can sit in there," he said, waving a paw dismissively towards the kitchen. "I'm sure they have a shelf you can stand under. In an establishment such as this, of course, none of them will be wonky, which you might see as a promotion of sorts."