I wrapped the purple comforter tighter around my shoulders as I stared mindlessly at the images flickering across television. The floor was still covered in crumbs from the cake and wine glasses littered the coffee table, but I made no move to clean any of it. The large cake still towered on the glass table in the kitchen; although the bottom tier read, ‘Hap 22 Birt Li’ instead of ‘Happy 22nd Birthday, Lilah!’ A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I looked out the large, nearly floor-to-ceiling, window.
The Los Angeles skyline was beautiful at this time of night. Only a few stars dotted the sky due to the bright city lights, but I had become accustomed to it during my four years in the city. The moon hung high in the sky and a halo was cast about the glowing orb. The moon was beautiful tonight, in all of its lonely glory. I watched as a trail of headlights still traveled at a steady pace on an overpass not far from my apartment.
Sometimes I wondered who was in the cars, and what their lives were like. Were they happy? Did they have children? Had they gotten fired from work that day? What did they eat for lunch? To most, those were silly questions, but they were what crossed my mind. Most people thought I was too serious for my age, but my nature had developed when I was quite young. I didn’t have much of a childhood now that I thought about it. I had been forced to grow up at a young age, because of my mother’s selfish choices.
My dog, Ginger, came waddling into the room, her claws click-clacking across the tile. She was a very overweight Dachund, but just as adorable as ever. She let out a large yawn and shook her head so that her ears made a flopping sound as they hit her head. Her rear wiggled and came low to the ground before she launched herself onto the couch cushion next to me. Her body was warm against mine as she climbed into my lap and curled into a ball on my thighs. I stroked her reddish-brown fur and scratched her head, making her tail wag in approval.
An overwhelming feeling of loneliness washed over me as I stared down into Ginger’s large brown eyes. I had been in the company of over one hundred people only an hour before, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of isolation. Of course, I had been surrounded, mostly, by people I knew and loved, but soon it had just become a chance for everyone to guzzle alcohol instead of a time of celebration for my birthday. I didn’t mind though, because I had never really liked birthday parties. I never saw the point in them.
Megan, my best friend, had tried to cheer me up, because she saw past the smile I put on for everyone; but I had insisted that I was fine. Now that I was alone, I slowly felt my resolve slipping and tears began to well up in my eyes as I remembered my seventeenth birthday.
Ginger jumped from my lap as I stood quickly and poured myself a glass of wine. The crimson colored liquid soothed my heart almost instantly as the alcohol from earlier mixed with the fresh wine I was now inhaling. After one glass, I poured another and another after that. I usually didn’t drink so much, but tonight the memories would be too much to handle without it.
Memories of him.
Some days were better than others, but tonight was one of the worst. At one point, I swore I saw him on a stranger’s body as we passed on the street. I did a double take, but he businessman sneered at me and kept walking. It was the color of his hair that had reminded me of him; they had the same light brown waves. His memory had followed me everywhere the entire day. Everywhere I went; there was a reminder of him. It had almost become too much, but when Megan brought me home to a surprise party, I had been forced to hold off on my breakdown for a while longer. Once Megan finally left at close to two in the morning, I had begun my spiral downward.
I could almost hear his voice, even now. I had been afraid that I would forget things about him, but I had videos to remind me of how his blue eyes shone in the sunlight, and how his hair always got in his face. I was most thankful for the reminder of his voice, though. I never wanted to forget the deep ruggedness of it. A tear trickled down my cheek, and I watched as it in my reflection on the window as it traveled down to my jaw and dripped onto the floor. Another glass of wine traveled down my throat as I stopped fighting my mind; I let go and let the memories come.
