You Have To Catch Me First...

Chapter 2

   The pain coursing through me is burning so strong I feel tears prick the edge of my eyes. I unconsciously flutter them close, once they're closed I squeeze them together tightly in a small, useless attempt to help my agony. I grip my shirt tighter and pull it into my skin closer, needing to feel something other than the pain. I arch my back in an odd, uncomfortable, feeble attempt to get away from the anguish forcing its way into my nerves sending afflictions down my entire being.
   My suffering seems never ending. But it doesn't seem to be getting worse. After about an hour I finally open my eyes, tears still streaming down my distressed looking face. I let out small breathy pants.
   I remove my now cramping, throbbing hand from my crumpled shirt and put it by my side. I lay there, sheets a heaping useless mess around me. And I think as to why I let myself fall into this crushing pain. I didn't mean to do it. It wasn't called for. There is not excuse. I just felt that I could handle it at the time, even if I knew subconsciously I couldn't. I let myself get caught up. And now I'm suffering for it. That is purely my doing. And I won't blame anyone else for my stupidity. I did this to myself. So I can't get angry. No matter how much it hurts. I did it to myself. So I'm to blame.
   I'm the cause. The reason. Yet... What reason did I have to cause this? None. Not one reason. There is no logical conclusion to come to as to why I chose to do it that way. It was not at all an intelligent choice. And I understand. Yet... No matter how hard I try I can't force myself to stop the breathtaking pain that worms its way into my chest and breaks my entire being. It isn't sane. And it shouldn't be. Yet... I don't fight the pain. I let it consume me and take over...
   Because to me, pain is beautiful. If we didn't have pain, would we have pleasure? If we didn't have hurting, would we have love? If we didn't have agony, would we have bliss?