Every night, I pray
to something bigger than I am;
begging them to get you
the fuck out of my head
But you are still there;
you are always there.
And i feel laborious
but what the hell
am I supposed to do
when I've been
unzipping my veins
and I've been feeding myself
a first and a second
and a tenth
cigarette, but the burning feeling on my wrists or deep down in my lungs
will never sting a quarter as bad as the thought of your arms wrapped around her.
I was at the bus today, and he was the topic in a conversation about her old class,
and I guess I asked too many questions
whenever he got brought up
and i could feel my face burning in a red tint
when she teased me with a raised eyebrow, asking me why I was wondering,
"Wait... You don't like him, do you?"
and I nervously told her
"No, of course not..!"
but a smile appeared on her lips as she yelled out
"Oh my god! You have a thing for him!"
and I tried to laugh it off, telling her
"fuck no" and
"are you stupid?"
Cause I knew what she was going to say.
"But you know he's got a girlfriend, right? You can't fall in love with a taken, straight boy",
and I laughed and shook my head with a smile that outlined my face
as if she told me a funny story
but there was nothing I found even a little bit funny,
cause that straight boy was the reason to why I have been awake for
four days straight.
and that is why i seem so unfocused these days
and why i am not able to quit smoking,
instead i smoke
10 cigarettes within an hour,
because I see that straight boy with his girlfriend
whenever I close my goddamn eyes,
and no cigarettes in the world could take away the
hurt in my chest,
but it keeps my mind away from the thought of her lips against his
for a minute or two
In fact, that straight boy is the reason to
why I stay up at night
and the reason why I cry
and why I smoke
and laugh
and smile
and lose my breath
and the reason why I even breathe in the firsr place, too.
So don't you dare
sitting there in front of me,
telling me that he's got a girlfriend,
cause I am fucking aware,
but he manages to make me feel things
I haven't felt since you left,
so please,
don't tell me about his girlfriend
or the fact that he is straight,
because I want to feel this way
just a little while longer;
cause this time, I swear it's not a rebound
after you, who made me kiss four girls I didn't even know,
and I barely know him either,
but I swear, this time
it's real.
But while you're still going, tell me - what is she like?
