Damaged

Guilt

"Natalie!" Steve's voice jolted me awake, and my eyes darted around the room in a panic as I tried to recognize where I was. The burning sensation across my torso not even really causing a significant reaction until I tried to roll over, a pained whimper escaping my lips. Steve's hands hovered over me, his face veiled with worry as tears rolled down my cheeks. The serum must have worn off in the middle of the night... the last thing I really remembered was... no. I hadn't. I hadn't really asked him to stay had I?

"Yeah, you did." He mumbled under his breath after passing me a cool cloth and I held it against my skin, hoping for some relief from the oddly intense pain I was feeling at the moment "You did ask me to stay... I must have fallen asleep before you Nat. I am so sorry I didn't realize..."

"The serum doesn't last that long. I should have told you..." I let go of the cloth that I had been holding against my stomach, wincing at the sight of my darkly bruised skin "Please Steve, this... this isn't your fault..."

"That doesn't stop me from feeling awful sweetheart. If you had any idea..." He trailed off, when the sound of the front door opening made both of us jump "That must be Buck..."
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"The nightmare was that bad huh?" Bucky helped me sit up, holding the back of his hand against my forehead and mumbling something incoherently under his breath "I'm sorry I wasn't here doll. I was out getting a few things ready for... never mind. Not important." He smirked, as his fingers delicately traced along my chin, his lips softly resting against my forehead for a few precious seconds "Steve said you woke up screaming..." I nodded at him, ultimately thankful that Steve had lied about what had really happened "Can I get you something for that?" He motioned to the bruise on my lower torso that was already slowly fading, and I shook my head at him, biting the inside of my lip as I gingerly moved to get off the bed "Nat. Stop. Tell me what you need..." Bucky sighed aloud, settling himself on the edge of the bed after pulling the blanket back over my legs.

"A cold pack..." Bucky nodded his head at me, glancing up and down my body, a slight frown crossing over his face when he noticed that my hands were trembling. He stood up and pulled his sweatshirt over his head, immediately exposing his bare chest and I couldn't stop myself from marveling at how good he looked, how quickly he seemed to be healing... He kicked his shoes off, and then effortlessly slid his sweatpants off, climbing into the bed, hovering over me, his waist just barely resting against mine.

"How about, I just use this..." his breath was warm against my neck, and I let out a gasp when I felt his hand moving softly across my lower torso, the cool metal actually felt amazing against the bruised skin, and I wriggled underneath him when his hand moved further under my shirt "Better?"

"Bucky... move your hand...Bucky..." my voice filled with panic, the cool metal had been soothing for a short time, but now it was hurting more than it helped and I tried to scoot away from him on the bed "Bucky stop you're hurting me..."

"Fuck I'm sorry... I'm really sorry doll..." He had immediately pulled his hand away and rolled so he was beside me, hesitating before he moved his hand towards my face where I was furiously wiping away my tears "Natalie tell me what's wrong." He gently pulled my hands away from my face, laying them by my sides, waiting for me to answer him.

"I don't know what's going on... it's almost like..."

"Do you think it's because of the serum that Stark gave you?" He sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, his back towards me as he let out a loud sigh "I'm not stupid doll... Steve couldn't stop himself from telling me. I'm not mad I just... why? I need to know why..." Bucky was still facing away from me, and I lifted myself up, slowly, moving so I was right behind him. I moved my hand up to his left shoulder, relieved when he seemed to relax himself into my touch.

"Bucky I love you. When I thought you might not come back to me I was so lost..." I softly traced along the jagged line where metal connected to his skin, the heavily scarred tissue that would never heal... "And I was just, I didn't know how to properly handle what I was feeling... I felt guilty for feeling like I'd been abandoned, guilty for not missing you more... I was afraid if I didn't have someone that was constant in my life, someone to stop me from doing something reckless, that I might..."

"You're the strongest woman I've ever known Natalie..." Bucky turned around, positioning himself against the headboard and then lifting me up so I was straddling his waist "And I know if you felt lonely..." he moved my hair out of the way after slipping my shirt over my head, his fingers coming to rest just above my hips after he had softly traced over the area of my scar "I wasn't here for you, and I should have been. It's on me..." His cold hand moved slowly up my torso, my eyes closing at his gentle touch, only opening when his finger began tracing along my jawline "I swore to myself... that I would stop anything bad from ever happening to you... I've failed. Three times now..." he pulled me down to him, his lips just barely brushing over mine, testing to see if I wanted him to go further, and when I didn't resist he kissed me more earnestly, both of his hands now delving deeply into my hair as mine moved across his bare chest, fumbling for something to hold on to, I could feel Bucky smiling against my lips as his arms wrapped around my back and he laid me down on the bed, straddling my waist with his own, his hands continuing to feel every inch of my skin "You're beautiful Nat, all of you..."