Underneath The Mistletoe {Phan} (Book Three)

🌨Five🌨

"Phil?"
I groaned as I heard Dan's voice and as I felt him place his hand on me and shake me softly.
"What do you want?"
"Ellie's been worried sick about you all morning and so have I." Dan didn't remove his hand and I didn't mind at all. It actually felt nice having him here with me. "You're never like this around Christmas time. You're always happy and cheerful because it's your favorite time of the year. Something's clearly up."
I sighed. "Yeah, something's up alright."
"Scoot over then. You and I are going to have a little chat."
I sighed again and scooted over so that he had room to lay down next to me. Once he was laying down, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his chest and listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
"Tell me what's got you so down on such a festive time of the year, love." Dan whispered as he began running his fingers through my hair.
"Ellie keeps making me feel bad about... Well, you know." I whispered back. "Yesterday when I took her to see Santa, he asked me if Ellie was my daughter and..." I trailed off, feeling tears forming in my eyes. "I didn't want to say no because she'd be devastated if I did so I said yes."
At that moment, I finally gave in to my tears. I felt like such a pathetic coward as I felt them rolling down my cheeks. I was able to hold them back for days on end until right now. Why had I allowed myself to cry? Why had I allowed myself to finally give in?
"Is that all that's upsetting you?" Dan asked gently as he started rubbing my back.
I shook my head. "There's other things too."
"What are they?"
"I'm upset that I'm not ready to adopt Ellie and be a parental figure in her life that actually cares about her."
Dan sighed. "I'm upset about that too. But we've gotta do what's best for her, even if it means that we can't adopt her. Isn't it better for her to grow up with someone who won't fuck up somewhere along the way?"
I looked up at him. "Your reason for wanting to give Ellie to someone else is the same as mine."
"Phil, I'm so scared of messing up." He whispered and shook his head. "I know how I am. I'll make one wrong move and ruin everything."
"No, it's not you who will mess up." I assured him. "It's me. If we were going to keep her, you'd be such a wonderful dad. You could teach her how to play piano and teach her that patience is a virtue."
"Why the last thing you mentioned?"
"Because that's something that you taught me. I'm always racing to get things done and racing to get things started or a move on. You're not like that at all. You take your time with things to make sure that everything's just right. You're also rarely ever impatient and I admire that so much about you."
A blush started forming on Dan's face as he spoke, "Aw, Phil. That's so sweet of you to say." He briefly smiled before frowning once more. "But I wouldn't be a great dad. It's actually you who'd be the wonderful dad. You could teach Ellie how she can accept herself for who she is and how to love herself. Those were two things that you taught me last Christmas. You taught me that even though my family doesn't love me for who I am, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't love myself for who I am."
"I love you so much." I murmured as I pressed my lips to his.
"I love you too." Dan responded once he pulled away after needing a breath. "We'll get through this, even though it's hard."
I shook my head. "I don't think we will. I think it's just too hard."
Dan began rubbing my back. "Yes, I know it's hard. But we've gotta do what's best for Ellie, even if that means doing what's best for her is hard on us."
I sighed. "I really hate to admit it, but you're right."
Dan nodded as he sat up. "I am. I don't want to be, but I am."
I remained silent as I sat up as well. However, almost as soon as I sat up, Dan turned slightly before standing up. "Now, I believe that we have to make sure a certain someone has a wonderful Christmas."
"Oh no!" I felt my entire body freeze as I came to a horrible realization. "I never got Ellie a Christmas present!" I looked over at Dan. "What am I going to do? Christmas is in two days! Also, I have no idea what to get her."
"Well, you took her to see Santa yesterday, didn't you?"
"Yeah..." I trailed off, confused as to why he asked this. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"Get her whatever she asked Santa for." Dan replied as if he thought I was dumb for not getting what I was saying in the first place.
"There's one problem with that."
"Oh God, don't tell me that she told Santa that she wants a pony." Dan groaned.
"No, she didn't say that."
"Thank God because there's no way in hell that I was going to get her a pony. Those things are so terrifying."
"You mean like how moths are terrifying?"
Dan gave me an "Are you serious right now?" look and it was so hard for me to hold back my laughter. "Yes Phil, it's just like how moths are terrifying." He replied with a bitter sarcastic tone.
Finally deciding that it was way too hard to hold back my laughter any further, I smiled and let out a laugh.
"I knew that you wanted to laugh." Dan smiled and rolled his eyes. "You know, I'll remember this next time I catch you eating cereal out of the box."
"Hey, that's not even that bad." I laughed and rolled my eyes as well. "At least I'm not afraid of a harmless creature."
Dan was about to reply when we both heard a soft knocking at the door. "I'll get it." He said as he stood up and walked over to the door. He opened it a moment later to reveal that Ellie was at the door.
"Hey." Dan gave her a soft smile.
"Are you guys okay?" She asked, concern lacing her tone.
Dan nodded. "Yeah, we're okay. Phil and I had a little talk and we're feeling much better now."
Ellie smiled. "I'm really happy to hear that." She paused for a moment. "Hey, what are we doing today?"
"Well, if it's okay with Phil..." Dan trailed off as he looked over at me. "While he goes out and does some shopping, I'd like for you to stay home with me and I could give you a few piano lessons. I've seen you staring at my piano a few times over the past couple of days."
Ellie's eyes widened and she smiled brightly. "Really?!" She then looked over at me, the smile remaining on my face. "Is it okay if I stay home with Dan, Phil? While I would love to go shopping with you, I haven't spent any quality time with Dan and I want to make things fair."
I nodded. "I'm totally with you staying here with Dan. You two should have some fun together and get to know each other better because you are correct when you say that you haven't spent any quality time with Dan. The only thing that you two have bonded over is bacon." I chuckled as I remembered how Dan made Ellie bacon so that she could try it for the first time and as I remembered how I came downstairs a couple of days ago to find Dan and Ellie sharing a plate of bacon together.
"Well, bacon is very good." I could Dan smile a bit as he mentioned his favorite breakfast good. "Actually, bacon sounds good right about now..."
I laughed. "Go downstairs and make yourself bacon before you start drooling."