Splatters of Ink

But You Said...

There is something about the night that feels welcoming. Maybe it is the coolness of it that calms you. Maybe it is the full moon smiling down at you or the stars winking at you. Or maybe it is the silence that makes it appear so gentle.

The lights of the nearby city flicker cheerfully. I stand on top of the hill to gaze upon the world, a chilling breeze creeps up my spine and makes the atmosphere more unpleasant than it already is. This used to be our favourite spot. We came here to escape to buzz of the city. We came here to just spend time with one another. It is a time to reminisce about, and sadly...all that this place reminds me of is you.

I still feel the smile spread across my lips from time to time. The bubbling of the nostalgia when I touch the necklace you gave me. I'll silently giggle when I watch the milk pour into the coffee, thinking about how silly we acted after a cup of liquid caffeine. I'll gaze at the chair that you claimed as yours and let my mind wander to the meadows of happiness. I allow these feelings to be free only for a short while. Never longer than a heartbeat. I don't want these emotions consuming me.

The truth is, I'm actually angry with you.

You promised me that you would never to anything like it. You promised that you wouldn't do something so stupid. And to make matters worse, you said that promises should never be broken.

The dew was still fresh on the leaves and the morning birds were only singing the first notes of their song when it happened. I still remember every vivid detail of it, and I will remember it until my last day.

I stood but a few centimeters away from you. I could have stopped you, and to this day I don't know why I didn't. You stared directly into my pleading eyes as you lifted the gun to your own head. Your lips formed a simple "I love you" and your finger pulled the trigger without any hesitation.

Look, I knew that your head wasn't a pleasant place. I knew that you had too many demons. I knew that you suffered daily. But you said that harming yourself because of it was something that you would never do. But I guess you only said that to reassure me, to protect me from the worry.

The dust particles dance in the early sunlight that shines through our bedroom window. The cup of coffee in my hands is supposed to replace the energy gained from sleep.

The sun will rise and the sun will set. Days will become weeks, weeks will become months and months will eventually become years. All this time will pass, and I am not able to spend a single heartbeat with you...even though you promised that we will grow old together.

Now I sit here alone, staring at the night sky once more, wondering of your looking down at me and if you ever feel guilty about breaking your biggest promise to me.