Blue//LRH

24) I cant hurt you too

    TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter talks about suicide and other harmful events that may be harmful to some of you. Please be safe!!!😘

      I walked up to the front door of Luke's house to hear whistles and hollers from him and the boys. By boys, I mean Michael. I love him but sometimes I wish that boy wasn't so loud. I ring the doorbell hoping to see Luke's face. It's been 2 days since we've spoken, and I know the timing isn't great since his mates are over, but if he has time for them. He can make time for me.

"Hello my love" the door opens for me to be greeted by Ashton's cheeky sarcasm.

"I didn't invite Zoey" I hear Luke call out, clearly thinking that Ashton is being serious.

"It's me Luke." And with that I hear him get up and walk towards the door.

"Hey" he states plainly.

"Hi"

"I'll leave you two alone" Ashton leaves as he senses the awkwardness.

"Go to my room. I'll be there in a sec, ok?"

I nod my head and follow Luke's orders. I am seated at the left side of his bed looking at all the stuff he has in his room. Mainly pictures of me and the boys. I see a book next to his bed and, assuming it's his songbook, I open it to see what he's been working on. I was suprised to see it was actually a journal. The second page had a blade taped to the corner of it with the caption next to it reading when I couldn't stop her. I drop the book immediately, not even wanting to know what that was. I turn around to see Luke in his doorframe with sorrowful eyes.

"Did you read the page with the blade?" He asks, not even getting mad that I looked at his journal.

"Yes. I'm sorry." I say guilt and worry washing over me.

"Don't be. At least now I don't have to explain because I am bad with words."

"What did it mean?"

Luke sighs. Guess he still has to explain.

"That blade was used to cut someone's wrist. Someone really close to me. We were 13 and she meant the absolute world to me. We had this thing. Like we were together but not really because we were 13, like I said."

"Player much. Holy crap. 13?!?!??" I tease him. Kinda not believing him.

He just chuckles before he continues "Yeah. Anyways, it lasted for a good 5 months and then I found out she cuts. I found out because it was the first time I held her hand and when I did her sleeve lifted up I guess."

"Oh my, Scandalous." I interrupt sarcastically.

"Can you just shut up? Anyways. I saw scaring so I obviously asked her and when she told me, I couldn't stop blaming myself. She kept telling me it was her decisions and things going on in her life but that didn't matter. I couldn't have made her life better, because if I did, she would have wanted to stay and never wanted to leave us." Luke started choking up so I wanted to guess the rest so he didn't have to revisit something so devastating.

"She died? You feel guilty because you couldn't have saved her?" I say more as a statement then an question.

"No. You know her to this day, Jess."

"What? Who?"

"Zoey"

Once the name left his lips everything was flipped upside down. Not because of shock but because everything made sense. That 'thing' that they had was a real thing. The first person who truly meant something in his life was her. So now, I go back to the day where Luke just woke up from his coma and he remembered Zoey's name. Not even his parents, But Zoey. I asked myself a question that day; do I have a part in Luke's life, but not a big enough impact? My question has been answered. She impacted him in a way were he can't even have a healthy relationship with me because of something she did to herself 3 years ago.

"I need you to understand that I get she meant something to you, but that has nothing to do with us! I don't cut myself so you don't have to be afraid about losing me Luke." He can clearly see I'm pretty hurt.

"No Jess, you need to understand. I need to know how to love you for me to be at ease with myself, knowing I make you happy."

"You don't have to be at ease! You do make me happy! Can't you get it through that thick skull of yours that I love you because of who you are and how you make me feel, not because of Zoey's past stupidity!"

"Stupidity? It's a mental illness, have some sympathy! I don't care if you are telling me how you feel, I can't trust you because she said the same thing and she wasn't!"

"YOU WERE 13"

"DOESN'T MATTER SHE MEANT SOMETHING TO ME"

"DON'T I MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU ANYMORE? AND FYI I DO HAVE SYMPATHY BUT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WAY WORSE AND NEVER CONSIDERED CUTTING. I MAY HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED BUT I NEVER CONSIDERED THAT AS AN OPTION."

"YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIFE."

"I CAN GUESS"

"REALLY? GO AHEAD"

"HAVING A BUNCH OF GUYS AT 13 TO MAKE HER FEEL WANTED, SPECIAL. TO ME THAT IS BULLSHIT. YOU'RE 13 BOYS SHOULDN'T BE A PRIORITY"

"WRONG. THATS YOUR SLUT OF A SISTER."

"THAT SLUTTY SISTER OF MINE WOULDN'T BE  PREGNANT IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR BEST MATE."

Luke just shook his head making tears being held in his eyes trickle down his cheeks.

"You're not lost the way you said you'd be. Your not broken. You're pitiful. You think no one else in the world has it as bad as you. Zoey's Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister died when she was 4. It was because of a drunk driver. She was in the car too but she made it out alive, an orphan, but still alive. Her aunt who was her guardian got diagnosed with cancer when Zoey was 12 with and died that same year. So if you're wanting this to be a competition, Zoey wins."

I have never felt so bad in my life. In my defence, that isn't easy to guess. I would have never known any of that. I hate admitting to defeat but I wasn't going to be a douche and change the topic.

"All because of a drunk driver. I wish he was the one who died, not making a 4 year old pay for it."

"No you don't."

"What?"

"You don't wish he died."

"Why's that?"

"Because you already lost both Mothers, you wouldn't wanna lose your Father too."