The Fall

Paranoid

I lay there and stare up at the cold black sky. Loud music plays and dances it's way threw my head. The lights from surrounding building and bars on the ground so far beneath me make it impossible to see the stars. Only a select few twinkle their way threw the thick veil of light pollution that is oh so welcomed in this idiot city everyone likes to loiter in.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The last song on the play list comes to its end and I know it's finally time. The time I've waited so patiently for.

I take one last look at the black void above my head, remembering how beautiful the milky way is and wishing I could see it one last time. Remembering all the nights locked in my room, staring at the ceiling, thinking of the smaller pit of hell as my own personal polluted sky. Remembering how many times I lied in the snow with barely any clothes on and watched the beautiful night sky stay the dark purple that seem to light up the dry snow. Remembering how many times I've wanted to drown in the waves of the sky. To fly away.

And today, I'll finally spread my wings.

I sit up from my position on the cement. A breeze sweeps my hair to the side gently and the only thing I think of is him. I can still feel his hand. The way he caressed my cheek. Just like the wind.

I finally stand to my feet and take my ear buds out. I gently place my phone where I had been laying - in the middle of the roof of The Rose Hotel. 120 stories tall. Clean. Just like he would want.

I wipe the tear that had fallen from my right eye and had crawled onto my cheek. I can tell my face is plain of any emotion, keeping the stoic expression. He wouldn't want me to cry.

I hadn't even realized I had walked to the edge until my toes no longer had a surface beneath them. I looked down to the small ant like people still roaming the streets at such an ungodly hour of the night.

I turn around and look at the phone. It has kept so many of my secrets and so many things alive. It's kept me in touch with people all over the world and it's kept me alive in my darkest hour.

I smile.

This time, it reaches my eyes as well. My lips split to reveal my carefully kept teeth and what surprises me, is that I laugh. I laugh so. Fucking. Hard.  My whole life once depended on that phone and just like that, it's gone from my finger tips. I laugh and laugh until I can't breath. I fall to my knees and bring my hands to my mouth and stomach. It's then that I realize a stream has made its way down my face. A warm, salty stream that won't go away no matter how much I wipe at them.

My laughter turns to sobs. And my sobs turn to shouting and my shouting turns to whimpers. Eventually, I fall silent once again.

How long have I been out here? 4? 5 hours? I don't know anymore and frankly, I couldn't  give less of a damn. I stand once more and turn toward the edge again. This time, for real.

I spread my arms and pretend they are wings. One a pure, innocent, white wing. One dark, horrid, and bruised bone, with only a few feathers left. It'll have to do. My heart is beating against my ribcage and it hurts. It burns. But I have to do this. And with a last breath, I embrace my fate.

"Thank you. For everything."

It's a whisper but I know he heard it.

And with that,

I fall.