Musical Oneshots

I Want To (Hamilton)

Normal people start a one shot book with fluff...but I'm a depressing writer so please enjoy this angsty crap. (Trust me, I can and will write fluffy stuff. Requesting it will also make it come faster so please, feed me ideas)

Enjoy the chapter!
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(John's POV)

"Why are you here?"

That's how I chose to greet him. I hadn't seen him in months. We only spoke through letters, which took days to be delivered. He wasn't even supposed to be here. He rode for four days illegally to see me. And I greet him like that. Like his presence is the equivalent to a parasite.

His bright smile faltered slightly as he stepped in. "I needed to see you again," he replied, his arms opening a little. I did not go for the embrace. I stood still, narrowing my eyes at him, "Hamilton, you know very well that you're forbidden from coming into Philadelphia!"

He seemed taken aback by my lack of sentiment. I couldn't blame him. "Laurens, what have I done to provoke this? Did you not want to see me?" he asked, almost in denial. I broke eye contact with him, unable to answer immediately.

I was trying to find a way to say yes. To tell him that I didn't want him here. But I knew better. I knew I couldn't lie. I wanted him here. I wanted him to never leave me again. I shook my head, "It's not that I didn't want to see you, Alexander. I wanted you every moment you and I were separated." I bit my lip, looking up at him, "But that doesn't change the severity of our current situation."

Hamilton's brow furrowed for a moment, trying to understand what I meant by that. It didn't take him long, though. He's an intelligent man. He then mad his way over to me, attempting to embrace me, "Oh dear, you cannot keeping dwelling on-"

I stepped away, signalling I didn't want the hug. I cut him off, "You cannot ignore how important this is, Alexander. What you have been doing is not safe. Both of us could be executed if you keep being this reckless."

He seemed hurt by my words, but he couldn't change the fact I was right. His was not discreet enough in the letters he wrote me. If one of them slipped into the wrong hands and we were both dead. I actually wrote to him as if he was just a friend. But his letters got more romantic to the point where it scared me.

So I tried to convince him to find a wife. Around the time I made that request was when he and my sister stole some of my letters from home and he discovered that I had my own wife. Needless to say, he was not pleased. He then proceeded to ask me to promote him as a bachelor to the women in my area. Despite the heartbreak, I thought I had convinced him. He would cease the affectionate words and leave me for good.

Then I read the final paragraph of the letter, and everything he had said was reversed. He told me he only wrote the previous words in jest. He had no desire to marry and no harsh feelings towards my dishonesty. He only wanted me, and that was nonnegotiable. I had seduced a man who could not be seduced.

Now he stood here, trying to hold me once again. "I don't care about what happens to me, I love you!" As if he hadn't made that clear enough. I shook my head, tears threatening to spill. "We've kept it secret for this long, who's to say it can't stay that way?" he said.

I glared at him, "You've already proved how easily secrets can be uncovered after pulling that stunt with Martha!" His eyes filled with guilt, unable to respond. I moved away to sat down on the edge of my cot, my head in my hands. "Laurens, please..." he pleaded.

"GET A GODDAMN WIFE, HAMILTON!" I shouted, angrily. My eyes were clenched shut, salty tears falling down my cheeks. I didn't want to say that. I wanted to be in his arms. I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. But if I did, we would remain in danger. I couldn't be the reason he died so young.

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't see him washed in the pain I was putting him through. "But...but I love you. Only you. I thought you loved me too," he whimpered, his voice completely wrecked. It broke me to know how much I was hurting him. "Can't you see? I came all the way here for you. You're the only good this in this disgusting world. I would never let anything harm you. I want you."

He knelt before me, putting his hands on my arms, his face hovering near mine. I didn't push him away this time, I needed him there at least one more time. "If you loved me," I choked, "then you would grant me the one request. Pretend I told you I didn't love you. Pretend I told you I didn't want you. You and I both know I can't lie to myself."

Silence followed that. I just sat there and let him hold me. I was waiting for him to get up and leave. Yet he stayed. He knew I didn't want him to leave. He was well aware of how I felt. It was a matter of who was more stubborn.

He let out a long breath, loosening his grip on my arms. His breath tickled my tear-stained face. I shuddered under him, powerless. He spoke first, his words mushed together into one. "Laurens, marry me."

My head shot up, eyes wide with shock, "What?!" He smiled lightly, crying as well, "Marry me." I sputtered, unable to form proper words. I sprung up, "Alexander, you know we can't!" He stood up with me, smiling. "I can steal the papers, change my profile, and we could be married in a week!" He grabbed my hands, holding them close to his heart. I stared into his eyes, glistening with hope.

I couldn't say no. That was beyond my capability. I was in love with this man and he was proposing. But I couldn't let him put us in more danger. I was conflicted. "Alexander...it's illegal! And you know I'm already married!"

He chuckled, "Our love is illegal. Me being here is illegal. What's one more illegal action? Please, Laurens. Let me show you how much I love you." He brought my hands to his lips and kissed them. His lips lingered there for a moment before leaning even closer to me, our foreheads touching. "John Laurens," he breathed out. "Please marry me."

I want to.

I really want to.

I wanted nothing more then to say yes.

I wanted him to cheer and pull me even closer.

I want to be his forever.

"No."

His eyes went from hopeful to heartbroken. I dropped his hands and cross mine across my chest. I shook my head, "No, I won't marry you." He was on the verge of tears again, as was I. He reached for me, "Laurens..."

I slapped them away, "Don't make this harder for me, Hamilton! You know damn well I want to say yes. But I can't let you put yourself in danger for me! It's not worth it!" My body shook as silent sobs took over. He hiccuped, "Laurens please..." He sounded broken. I regretted ever coming into his life. I wouldn't have to see him fall apart like this.

"Leave, Hamilton," I demanded. He looked like he was going to protest, but instead, he turned his back towards me and walked towards the door. I watched painfully as love left me for good. Right when he opened the door, he froze. He then turned to look at me once again.

"Can I at least...?" he asked, not bothering to finish his sentence. He quickly came back to me, taking my face in his hands. I roughly pushed him away when his lips met mine. I didn't think he could've looked as heartbroken as he did. But he didn't speak. He closed his eyes while tears rushed out of them, returning to the door again.

Without bothering to look back at me, he sobbed, "I'll always love you."

"And I you," I croaked as he left me forever.

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This was bad. I am sorry.