if i stay Gayle Forman short story

part 1 of 1

10 Years On
FanFiction

It's been 10 years. 10 years since I went to New York, to Juilliard, 10 years since Adam quit ‘Shooting Star’ and came with me. 10 years since the catastrophic event with my parents and Teddy, and to make it worse today is the tenth reminder that they're actually gone. Gone, and it should've been me. Yet only four since I became Mrs. Wilde.
“don't say that mia,” crap did I say that out loud?
“yeah, you did.” Adam says with a smile. He comes and sits next to me,
“I'm off to work babe, I'll see you when I get home.” he says, giving me a kiss on the cheek. I return it with a blush.
“I love you, stay safe,” I say, hugging him.
“Always am, I love you too,” next thing I knew he was out the door.

It’s been 3 hours since Adam should have been home, he would’ve texted me or called if he was going somewhere, this hasn’t happened before. I don’t know what to do. What do I do? I hear our home phone ring.
“Is this Mrs. Wilde?” someone asks.
“Yes, who is this?”
“Hi, I work with the NewYork-Presbyterian, Lower Manhattan Hospital and it seems that your husband, Adam has…” she continued but I couldn’t hear what she was saying, I drop the phone.
“Adam,” I sob out as I pick up the phone.
“Mrs. Wilde? Did you hear me? Mrs. Wilde, your husband, he’s gotten in an accident.” I can’t bear it anymore, I feel like I can’t breathe.
“It’s happening all over again” I whisper, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.
“What was that ma'am?”
“Nothing, nothing, I’ll be right there.” I say, grabbing my keys and wiping the tears.
As I pull into the car park, the memories of that catastrophic day 10 years ago flash into my mind, even after all this time, Adam is the only one who knows that I was trapped outside my own body, that I saw everything, I heard everything. And here I am today, because of the same reason. To this day, I hate the snow, and guess what? Today it just happened to have snowed. It's like deja vu. Teddy would be 18, mom and dad would have been at my wedding, Adam might not even be here soon either. Don’t think like that Mia, he’ll be fine. But what if he’s not?

I finally get out of the car, when I realize I got here over 45 minutes ago, which is now, I run.
“I’m looking for Adam Wilde,” I say, out of breathe, to the pissed off looking nurse.
“Why? What’s the relation?” she asked rudely
“Does it really matter? And wife” I say holding up my left hand.
“ICU room 508, top floor.” she says and I bolt without even saying ‘thank you’, she didn’t deserve it anyway.
When I finally get to his room, he looks just like I did, only worse. Now I know how he felt, I go over and hold his hand, it’s cold, like mine always are, except, his have never been, “Adam, please.” I start  crying again, “please, please, Adam, come home. I want you to come home. I can feel you slipping out of my grasp already. Adam, I’m so sorry.” I say putting my head down. “It should be me, here right now, not you.” I let out violent sobs and my whole body shakes. Then, something happens, the noise floods the room, and it's like time freezes, all that’s there is the beeping, “ADAM NO! NOT YOU TOO! NOT YOU! IT CAN’T BE YOU. YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME!!” I scream pulling at my hair, doctors rush in and they push me out of the way, “LET ME SEE HIM YOU IMBECILES! I LOVE HIM!” I yell, pushing through them, I grab his hand for what is most likely the last and final time.
“GRAB HER!” someone shouts. Two people grab me from behind.
“NO! PLEASE! ADAM DON’T LEAVE ME! GET OFF OF ME!!” I shriek kicking them both where the sun don’t shine. I run up to Adam, pushing off the doctors trying to stop me, I go up to his side and I hold his hand. The tears tumble down and before I know it, I’m shaking again. “Adam, I love you. And I know you loved me too.” I whisper, and give Adam a kiss, knowing I would never get this chance again. The heart monitor went flat, and it took everything in me not to scream and kick like a little kid.
“Mrs. Wilde, I’m sorry for your loss,”
“Yeah, I get it,”
“We’ll give you some time,”
“I’m still wondering why you haven’t left yet.” I snap, rudely.
“We’ll be outside,” as they leave, I pull out my phone, I call Kim, who is still in Oregon.
“Ki-kim,” I say starting to let out my sobs.
“MIA! What’s wrong, did Adam do anything? What’s going on?!” Kim asks fastly.
“I-it’s adam, he-he’s gone.”
“What do you mean gone, did he lea-, oh my god Mia, I’m so sorry, I’ll catch the next plane there.” she says, taking a minute to catch on.
“Don’t bother, it won’t be needed. Bye Kim, you were the best, best friend I could’ve had.” I say.
“Wha-” She tries to say, but I hang up.
“I WANT IT TO BE OVER! WHY CAN’T IT BE OVER?” I cry, my knees buckle and I just sit there, on the floor, next to my now dead husband. I finally gain some composure and get up.
“Goodbye Adam,” I whisper, giving him a final kiss on the forehead, and walking out the door.

It’s been three weeks, and I still can’t sleep in our room, I’ve worn nothing but his clothes. I haven’t left the house, haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept. Kim’s called about 30 thousand times, I’ve left them all unanswered, not to mention Gran and Gramps. I keep calling his cell, just to hear his voicemail, “hey, this is Adam, and this is probably you, Mia, I’ll be to wherever I’m supposed to be soon, I love you.” I mostly listen to it for the “I love you” part, but anything helps to hear his voice again. I finally decide to leave the house, still in Adam’s clothes. I head to the Brooklyn Bridge, walking of course. My car is still at the hospital, and my keys are somewhere at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. I’ve already written the letter.

What would you do if you had to choose? The only question playing in my mind since Adam died, the same way as my family, he was all I had left…
I look down at the water below me, unsure if I should jump, but then I decide.
“I choose to be with adam,” I whisper as I let go of the railing on the bridge and for the first time since Adam died, I feel alive, like I can feel something at last. I hit the water, it's only minutes now. Soon, I feel the darkness take over. It’s just a matter of time before, I’ll be with Adam, our baby, Teddy, and my parents...

(Third person point of view)

“Mia Wilde, died of suicide yesterday, jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, her note reads:
“If anyone is wondering why I decided to do what I’ve done, it’s because it ate me alive, after mom, dad, and Teddy died, it was hard enough. About 2 years ago, me and Adam found out we were expecting, we didn't want to tell anyone, at least not yet, so we decided we would wait until I was through the first 15 weeks, I had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. I blame myself to this day. I wanted to do this then, but Adam stopped me. Being alone in New York, after the only one who was making you stay, leaves, it’s hard to stay too. To anyone who is hurt by this, or doesn’t think this is right, I wish you could have felt what I was going through 10 years ago, what I felt, when we lost the baby. What I have felt for the past 3 weeks. They were my family, Teddy was only 8! My, our baby, do you know what it's like? Sure maybe some people do, and you feel like shit when it happens. He, Adam, was and still is, the love of my life. To Kim, you were my best friend, you were the one that put up with me when I insisted on you and Adam being friends, and kim, I saw you, that day at the hospital, when that mean old nurse wouldn’t let you and Adam see me. Kim, I get it now. I get what you meant, that you two were brought together through me somehow. To Gran and Gramps, thank you for taking care of me when my parents died, before I was off to Juilliard. Gran, thank you for telling me about Juilliard, and that I was good enough to even audition. Gramps, thank you for taking me to my audition when Gran sprained her ankle, we had a pretty good time, didn’t we? To Willow and Henry, thanks for all the laughs over the years, thank you, Willow, for getting Adam, into see me when I was in the ICU, thank you Henry, for all the stories about how dad cried like a little baby when I was born, thanks for bringing us Taco Bell when Teddy was born, even though you were sick. Maybe, if me and Adams child was here today, I would have stayed. But I have nothing left. Thank you everyone, who has put up with me for the past 27 years of my life. When I was in that hospital, I saw everything, I heard everything, I could move and walk, I was trapped outside my own body. I heard all the speeches, I saw all the tears. I went through hell and back, but right now, I’m living it. I’m stuck in hell, and I can’t seem to get out. To everyone, I love you. With love, Mia Wilde.”
Everyone was getting together, ready to board the plane to New York, to make sure Mia was okay, to bring her back with them, when they heard the news. Mia was gone, with her family and Adam. They were all shocked, Kim, Willow, and Gran, broke into sobs as, Gramps and Henry tried to comfort them. But, at this point, nothing would…

THE END