Dehumanization

Jane Eyre / Bertha chapter rewrite

My mind was ticking. I was pacing backwards and forwards completely unaware of my surroundings. My mind was ticking. Tic toc, tic toc, a broken clock in my head. Or maybe I was the broken one. I was locked away in this dark, cold attic. I must have done something wrong, but what? It was cold, maybe it was winter. I would like to think so, but I have no window from which I can see into the outside so how am I meant to know? I wonder what it looks like. It's been so long I don't think I can no longer remember. Or maybe it wasn't winter. Maybe I felt so lonely I had a blanket slung over me, expect I just never got warm anymore. I felt alone and trapped. Well I was trapped. Kept inside this attic like a caged animal, but then again that's what they called me. That among other things. It was my husband's fault, if you can even call him that. He's evil. He put me here. Locked me here. However, that not the worst. He's having an affair. Yes, yes he is. That the only reason he would do this to me. He's having an affair. Yes, he is. I don't know with whom. Maybe she's younger, prettier than me. Perhaps even saner than me. I'm unable to cope in my own skin. I feel taken over by something investing within me. It's that thing everyone keeps calling Bertha. But that's not me. No! no! it's not, why won't he see that. My mind keeps ticking. Tic toc. He thinks of me as this demon like creature, but why? He thinks I am so savage that I must be kept away, locked up and forever alone. I'm not like that. I'm not! So why can't he see me the sweet person he fell in love with? But then again maybe that person fell forgotten not long after our wedding day. And now? Now he aims to toss me aside by this- this replacement that I am yet to see. He's forgotten me and my existence. How could he be so cruel? I saw him today and rage consumed me. It consumed me the instant I saw him. It was like I couldn't control my body. I saw him and that was all I saw. That was all I knew in that instant for the next moment I was running and jumped into mid-air before I landed on him. My nails digging into his neck and my teeth sinking into his cheek until the bitter taste of his blood meet my lips. He struggled to pull me off of him but then again I had always been his equal match when it came to strength. Yet in the middle of all this my eyes meet and sat on her. He – he brought her here? To rub it in my face? If you gave her a halo and stuck wings on her back that's what I imaged angels would look like. It made my blood boil and my stomach turn. This was my replacement? Her? This native? Oh Rochester, could you be crueller? could you bring me anymore pain? '' wild animal, beast. Hyena, manic, demon'' all these words spun in my head in a blur almost. How- how could he? He was meant to be my husband yet he was a monster that filled my life and dreams with dread. At that moment he caught me off guard and it was then that he tied my hands tightly with rope. Before tying me tightly on a chair. Why was it that rope was always so close to him? So close to him? All I could do was throw myself about, hoping to break free. I shouted but it was as if I hadn't because no one took no notice even thou they were all staring blindly at me. I failed to get free but I didn't feel sad because of it. Instead I felt heartbroken. He called me his wife yet he hated me. He called me his wife yet he looked at her with love in his eyes and not towards me. He called me his wife but that was just a title I still had. Yet even that was going to be taken away from me. My mind ticked. Tic toc. perhaps I am just not meant to be loved or is that I truly am that demon walking amongst others everyone claims me to be? But I don't walk amongst others, instead I'm here all by myself. No purpose expects to continue living in nothing but misery. I suppose that would seem so, but he does not care. Why would he? Instead he leaves my mind to tick. To tick like a broken clock.