White Noise

34. Baby Fingernail Cracks

Say there's this wall.

Stay with me.

Say there's this wall.

This wall is said to be impenetrable. In theory. It's supposed to hold up under anything, any conditions, circumstances, missiles or projectiles. They won't make a dent.

But let's say the wall's old and worn. What happens to walls that are old and worn? They develop cracks.

It starts off small at first, maybe a little piece of cement the size of a baby's fingernail falls out. Nothing big. Maybe it leaves a little crack right at the bottom of the wall.

No one notices it. No one fixes it. No one sees it. No one wants to see it. No one pays the wall any attention. Because remember. This wall is supposed to be impenetrable.

But say that crack spreads.

Let's say it digs it's fingers into the wall and slowly, slowly inches it's way across the surface. Let's say that it digs it's feet down into the surface and penetrates to the deepest part of that impenetrable wall.

What then?

What now?

Sometimes I feel like that wall.

People seem to think i'm impenetrable, that I can hold up under conditions, circumstances, missiles or projectiles.

But sometimes I feel old and worn, despite my young age.

Sometimes, i feel the cracks.

Little baby fingernail cracks all over my body and being. Little baby fingernail cracks over my mind and psyche.

Little baby fingernail cracks all over me.

And i feel then crawling over me and joining and connecting. And breaking me apart.

But no one sees.

Maybe no one wants to see. Because if you squint hard enough and tell yourself they aren't there, then they aren't.

But i'm not a wall.

You're not a wall.

I'm a person.

We're people.

We're human.

And that's the exact opposite.