My Craiglist Viagra Horror Story

My Craigslist Viagra Horror Story

My name is Jake. I'm a DEA agent addicted to sex. I've busted several men and women over the last ten years for selling drugs on craigslist. Drug Dealers put in all the hard work, making the hard earned cash, and I just take it away within a flash. I have to admit, I'm more like a crook, but I'm a crook on the right side. But I don't really care. I'm a Narc!

The majority of the Narcotic Officers' in the department swap drugs with each other, but I wasn't able to get a hold of any of my buddies this night.

So I reluctantly went on craigslist, I was browsing for Viagra. There was an ad that I stumbled upon that said 'Dick Pills For Sale'.

We don't bust people that sell Viagra. We go after people that sell real narcotics. You know, like heroin, meth, and marijuana, but only the big-time players that make big money. We don't waste our time going after drug dealers that make dimes and nickels, that's chump change.

So, I texted the guy. "Hey, I'm looking for $20 dollars worth."

He replied back two minutes later, "Meet me in 20 minutes at the gas station, Pump 6."

He had all the info at the bottom of the ad so I knew where to go.

My wife was on a business trip and I had one of my girls coming over for the night. I wanted to be able to perform all night long. If ya know what I'm SAYING!

I showed up at the gas station five minutes early. Cars were coming in and out of the station filling up with fuel like usual, when a big black hummer drove up to Pump 6. I walked over towards the Hummer.

The guy popped his head out the window and said, "YO. Hop in!" With a deep tone in his voice, he was a big burly black guy.

I told him, "I don't get into cars." That is my number one rule.

"Com'on G you want da Viagra or not." He said with an Ebonics accent, which made me feel uncomfortable.

It was only a $20 transaction. So, I thought, he's not going to rob me for $20 bucks, so I said, "well..... all right." I hopped into the hummer, I instantly noticed two peculiar guys seating in the backseat wearing hoodie sweatshirts.

"You got the money G?" The driver questioned in a hostile way.

I gave a $20 bill.

"Its $100 yo." He spat on my $20 dollar bill.

"Whoa, what's up bro. I'm getting $20 worth; that's 4 pills right?" I rose my eyebrows, "come on man, I read your ad, it said five dollars a pill."

"Yeazzz." He talked with a somber tone and prolonged his word yeah in an antagonist way.

I was feeling uneasy, something wasn't right. I thought to myself, I'm not buying heroin or meth, so what the hell is going on? Why is this guy acting all shady with me?

Then one of the guys in the back pulled down his hoodie and said, "Michael!" With an eerie tone in his voice; which is my alias name! That only meth drug dealers knew about. That is the name I use when I work undercover.

I instantly tried opening the car door, but the door wouldn't open.

Vrooooooooooom

The driver peeled out of the gas station while the guy behind me wrapped his arms around my neck.

I tried screaming, but I couldn't let out any words as I slowly started suffocating, they turned on some heavy dubstep music and blasted the music very loudly. I then passed out.

***********************

I woke up naked, with my hands and feet duct tape tightly together. I noticed I was locked in a  van now, one of those boxy vans you see people get butchered in.

I started screaming, "Help! Help! Help! Get me out of here!"

The two guys that were sitting in the rear seat of the hummer opened the side door of the van and shouted, "Crawl out slowly Michael!"

"What do you guys want from me?!?" I shouted. It was dark, I was somewhere in the Arizona desert with nothing in sight, just the crescent moon that faintly lit the desert floor.

"I want my money back!" He said with a dark angry voice.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said. "I'll give you whatever you want." I was desperately pleading for my life.

"You're full of lies Michael."

Then I distinctively remembered his voice, Jessie Steel, he was only 24 years old when he made over $2.7 million dollars in the meth business. I was watching him for one year when I was able to get a judge to sign a search warrant to raid his properties and seize everything that he owned.

"I just got out of prison. After serving five years, I made it my mission to track you down Nigga."

I told Jesse, "I don't even do Narc work anymore, I retired bro!" I was lying.

"And soon you'll be dead G!" He said as he walked up to me and then started punching me in the face with his fists. My nose started gushing blood, Jessie's friend had to pull him off of me as he attacked me like a ravenous wolf.

Jesse started screaming, "You nymphomaniac! That is how we were able to get you G!"

I corrected him. "I'm actually a satyriasis. Nymphs are women. Sats are men." He didn't say anything back.

He pulled out a revolver from his waist and held it straight to my head as I slouched on the desert floor with blood gushing out of my mouth and nose.

I screamed, "Please! Don't—"

(Gun Shot) BOOOOOOM

(Gun Shot) BOOOOOOOM

After Jessie pulled the trigger twice, he and his friend jumped into the van and peeled out; leaving me bloody and bruised somewhere in the Arizona desert valley. I thought I was dead at first, but my ears were still ringing from the gunshots.

Maybe he missed, maybe he pulled the gun away from my head at the last second, and maybe there were blanks in the barrel.

I'm not too sure, but all I know is, I'll never be using CRAIGSLIST again for picking up Viagra!

And, if you're reading this Jessie Steel, I'm sorry for your loss, maybe next time you'll get into another business that doesn't jeopardize your freedom and money!

The End