Remember, Remember

Belinda Hayfield had become something of a frequent flier at Holby City hospital in the year since her diagnosis with dementia, and the entire staffing team were extremely fond of her. 'One in particular, it seems' Bernie mused as she flicked through her patient file, searching for a clue. She peered through her office window and caught glimpse of her girlfriend talking to the elder woman once again. She knew that Serena had a caring nature to her, but the blonde was still left puzzled as to what it was about Mrs Hayfield that had her partner so drawn in.

A knock at the door brought her out of her Serena induced trance, and she smiled as she waved Raf in through the door. Dealing quickly with the professional matter at hand, their attention was soon turned back to the scene in front of them.

"It'll devastate her, Yknow? When Belinda goes..." Raf turned to his friend and offered a small smile, as if she was meant to make a connection somewhere along the lines. Sensing her confusion, he added "given everything she went through with her mother". As if not wanting to seem like she didn't know her own girlfriend, Bernie mumbled her agreement and Raf took that as his cue to leave the room. Slumping back in to the comfort of her chair, she tapped her username and password in to the machine in front of her. Opening up the directory, she typed Adrienne McKinnie in to the search bar. It was time to get herself a bit more clued up.

~~~~~~~~~~

"CRASH TROLLEY BAY 3" echoed through the ward exactly one week to the hour since Belinda had been readmitted. Serena was the first on her feet and rushing over, quickly followed by Morven and Jasmine.

The entire team worked tirelessly for over 20 minutes before they finally managed to get Serena to admit defeat and for the first time in her entire career, Serena collapsed in a pool of tears at the bedside of her patient. It was all too close to home.

Today had been a very rare day off for Bernie, but having discussed it with Serena earlier in the week she had opted to spend the day at the Campbell household keeping Jason company. They were on their third episode of mastermind when she stole a glance towards the clock. 17:33, Serena had just finished her shift. She'd be home in half an hour maximum and it was nearing the nightly whinge from Jason about how ready he was for his tea. Routine had shifted slightly given a change in working hours but he had seemed to adjust really well.

"Lasagne tonight?" Bernie asked the still recovering lad, already knowing the answer to her question. The resulting smile from Jason gave her the momentum to try her hand in the kitchen before her lover returned home.

It wasn't until the timer beeped on the oven 50 minutes later that the pair realised just how late Serena was. Three times, Bernie tried calling her phone and with each dial the anxiety behind her persona increased. Checking quickly with Jason if he was okay to eat alone whilst she went in search of his aunt, she started her journey to Holby City General Hospital.

~~~~~~~~~

Serena had been sat at her desk staring at a blank  screen for the last two hours. Time was now a foreign concept and she was not at all aware of the world around her. Walking over to the bookcase, she picked up the framed photo she had of her and her mother in the weeks leading up to her passing. She had never felt pain like the pain she felt when her mother couldn't remember her name or the time they'd shared together.

It had been 2 years and 5 months since she'd lost her own mother to that terrible illness, and Serena knew she had bonded so deeply with Belinda. She knew she had gotten in far too deep but she couldn't help it. It was the first time in a very long time that she'd felt reconnected with her mother because she didn't feel like she had any other way to do that. She didn't do talking, and she didn't do emotion. So why, Serena thought to herself, had she allowed herself to get in to such a state.

Serena hadn't heard the office door open, and she hadn't heard the footsteps behind her however she didn't jump when she felt the familiar comfort of Bernie's hands ghosting her form. Shuddering at the touch, she relaxed in to the arms of her big macho army medic and allowed the tears to fall once more. It was time to let her in, the full way. It was time to let herself go.

"Raf told me, love. I am so sorry... I can't begin to imagine how hard today has been for you." Bernie slowly turned Serena in her arms and placed a gentle, lingering kiss on her lips. "So I'm going to take you home, get you fed and run you a bath. Then we are going to talk".

~~~~~~~~~~~

With Jason safely in bed and dinner having gone down a treat, it was a welcome break for Serena to walk in to the en suite and find a candle-lit bath waiting for her, along with her gorgeous girlfriend.

"So there are two ways we can go about this. I can leave you to it, and we can talk about this after or I --"

"Join me? Stay here... with me?" Serena whispered, undoing the first couple of buttons on Bernie's off-white shirt. She took off her own clothes slowly, folding each item and placing them carefully in a pile on the floor. Bernie followed suit and was soon slipping in to the tub behind her emotionally drained lover.

"Just over two years ago, I lost my darling pain-in-the-arse mother to vascular dementia and until I lost Elinor I thought it was the most painful and emotionally draining experience I would ever go through in my life. She was living here under my roof, so lost and confused about what was happening to her body. After the stroke she had, she was a changed person. I will never forget the feeling of her forgetting my name." Taking a deep breath and sinking further in to the tub, Serena felt herself relaxing at the weight it took off of her shoulders. "I first met Belinda on the year anniversary of my mothers passing, November 18th 2015, and it felt as if fate had brought her to me. I was looking for reminders of my mother everywhere and Belinda was by far the best reminder. Losing her today? It just took me back to that day all over again". Tears rolled down Serena's cheeks and in to the bath tub as Bernie held her closer, whispering sweet reassurance in her ear.

"I wish I'd known you then so I could have kissed the pain away sooner..." Bernie mumbled in to the skin of her bare shoulder. Serena looked up to meet her gaze.

"You're here now, and that is all I need."

Half an hour later, Serena lay in bed with her head on Bernie's chest as her blonde lover read the detective novel in her hands out loud. This, she thought to herself, is what love was supposed to feel like and damn she was so glad she had found it.

~~~~~~~~

Over the next few months Serena found herself to be more open, sharing tidbits of information about the life she had lived pre-Bernie. Despite this, it came as a total surprise on the morning of November 18th 2017, the third anniversary, when she woke up to the news that she had the day off.

"We're going on an adventure, bring your mother with you." Bernie winked and inclined her head towards the direction Adrienne's ashes were safely kept. Despite herself, Serena couldn't help but laugh at her girlfriends antics and found herself climbing out of bed and getting ready for the day. Picking up the urn on her way out, she met a smiling Bernie by the car.

Neither said a word for the entire journey, but the sound of Serena's sobs filled the car as they pulled up to their destination. "Caister beach..." she whispered in to the car, the shadow of a smile on her broken face. Suddenly it all fell in to place, all of the questions and learning Bernie had done over the last few months. Her mothers ashes, finally in the place where she wished to be laid at rest. The place they had spent various caravan holidays together throughout Serena's childhood. "Berenice Wolfe, I love you so much".

Stepping out of the car in unison and walking around to rest on the bonnet, Bernie grasped her hand. She may never be able to take the pain away from Serena but she could share it, and she could find ways to reduce it. That's what love was, she supposed. Caring about somebody else so much that you'd do anything to see them smile.