resfeber / / thoughts

for pen or for type

lonelybees ;

I don't know if any of you have paid close attention to my bio, but I'm much more personal than I care to admit there.

What you see, if it is not quoted otherwise, is my own words. They are not song lyrics, they are not movie quotes. I, without shame, am proud of these words, because they are who I am.

While not many of you have seen my most personal pieces, let it be known that I write with everything I have. Even the most simple of phrases that I pen or type carries bits and pieces of my own heart.

I've been told I take things far too personally. I have been told I need thicker skin. And I'll listen to that, I know that is all true. But I will not let that deny what is only able to be taken as close as can be, considering what you know.

Before this, I do realize that it was impossible to know just how I would take this. Which is why I alert you now, as now is my opportunity.

"I like to think of myself is fearless. I'm not fearless"

I wrote that on my own, a truth that I grappled with for many years. It sounds like a bit of a silly truth, which is why I put it in my bio, open for all to see. Because I felt protected that no one could see it quite the same way I did, the same way I continue to. It's put into simple words, for it is a quite simple saying. Simple as it is, it is not all that meets the eyes. It's paper soaked it wite-out, it's hands sweating in the middle of a hurricane. It's running across a intersection at five in the afternoon, tripping over the curb and laughing out any anxiety you ever had. It's looking at a photo from years ago and wondering how many more times you're able to change before everything falls into place. It's wondering if you even want things to fall into place.

And this isn't going to make sense, that I know. And if it does, what you see cannot be all of it. I know, I know that I sound "superior" in saying this. But that is not my intention. It is quite the opposite. I want to show you that there is no superior here. There is no right, no wrong. I am not in any form superior, I am a puzzle piece too small for the space it should occupy, interpret that as you will.

I protect my words so because they are all that single me out. I am of ordinary intelligence, of ordinary appearance, but I hope that my words can put that aside.

I watch you take what I am and plaster it to yourself. And it scares me, it terrifies me that someone can do that, that no one shall see what I write and people will live their lives believing my words are yours.

Because I'm not fearless, although I do try to be.