Remember the Assassin

Seventeen

I walk into Gran Rey's office with every cell in my body straining against me. I walk to his desk as he looks up. I can't meet his eyes, so I watch my hands fiddle with themselves. I still have dirt under my fingernails. I pick at it a little until Gran Rey says, "Yes?"

I assume he knows what I'm here for, but I have to say it. "I talked to Gary, Dan, and Carey. Gary and Dan said they'd vote for me to join the colony, but Carey said no."

"So you need my vote."

"You probably guessed it would come to this." Still avoiding his eyes, I scan the desk. Halfway to Devastation is sitting in the corner. The desk is relatively empty except for the lamp, some pens and pencils, and a couple papers.

"I did."

"Have you thought about it?"

"Yes." He keeps being curt. It makes me feel even worse. I ruined what relationship we had. I was just being stupid asking questions about Tony. I should just keep my mouth shut and not ask questions.

"Do you have an answer?" I venture. I'm dreading him telling me he doesn't want me in the colony.

"No. Not yet."

"Can I... try to convince you?"

He sighs a little, and I realize I might be annoying. "Alright."

"I'm really sorry about what I said earlier-"

"If I don't want you in the colony, that's not going to be the reason." He interrupts me. "I'm not going to harbor any kind of personal bias against you because of that. I don't do things like that."

"Oh. Um..." I try to think of something else to say. "Well, I don't know what I'd do if you didn't let me join the colony. I don't know anything. I'd probably just die on my own. Or end up somewhere worse off than here. Like the city." I notice he nods. He knows the city isn't a good place to be. "I'm also scared of what's out there. I'm scared of Golden Snake, even though I barely know anything about them." I decide to get extremely personal and open up to him like he did to me. "I'm scared of myself, that I'll hurt someone. I'm scared the person I used to be will take control again. I'm scared I'm not legitimately a person because I've been alive for four days. I know staying here won't answer any questions for me, but it will keep me safe as I try to figure them out myself. Like who am I?" I meet his eyes for the first time. "Why should I be alive if I'm just going to hurt people unintentionally?" I mean Dan, Sander, and Gran Rey. I hope he knows that. I realize I don't have anything left to say, but I opened my mouth. Awkwardly, I try to fill the lack of words. "So... yeah..." My hands play with themselves faster.

"Alright. I believe you."

I don't exactly know what he means. Does he mean that he trusts me? That he believes I'm sincere? That I should be in the colony? I don't want to ask him. "Thank you." That seems like the right thing to say. Then again, asking about Tony seemed fine too. What can I trust about myself?

"I still need to think, but I'll have an answer by tonight. After dinner, we'll have the colony meeting."

"Okay. Thank you," I say again. With my stomach tying itself into a knot, I turn to my room. Only once the door is closed can I start to relax. Now I know I actually have a chance.

I want a distraction, so I grab a piece of paper. The day isn't over, but I don't want to wander around outside for no reason. I don't have a job to do, and I hate bothering other people while they're doing their jobs.

I start writing about today. Venting to a paper might not seem like it helps at all, but it actually does help me get my thoughts in order. I just hope no one reads it. I write about my identity crisis and everything to do with becoming a member of the colony.