Dear Harry

Mr. Potter

Mr. Potter

Second Year Male Dormitory

Gryffindor House

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Mr. Potter

I'm writing to you to inform you of your positive attributions to the school in which you and I both reside. I am not going to be writing you a love song, nor will I be publicly proclaiming any form of admiration for you, to you or about the few accomplishments you have achieved. However, I will be compiling a sort of list in regards to characteristics you possess that don't completely make me want to rip my hair out.

Your green eyes make the stars look like they are not shining. You have your mother's eyes, and as we were class mates, I cannot condone even the thought of disrespecting her memory. Her eyes were the deepest green, possessing more beauty than even the largest of emeralds in the world. I could get lost in them for hours if she would ever have graced me with the opportunity to. If I had the choice to stare into her eyes for eternity, or to never see her again completely, the choice would be made in a heartbeat- but I digress. In essence, Potter, your eyes, bearing genetic and phenotypical affinity to Lily's, are a feature of yours that I do not find awful.

This being said, however, I must address the mop that sits atop your round, pale face. Your hair falls perfectly into the same ridiculous mess as your father's was, without you even trying. I hope this is consolation however, that you wear it slightly better than he ever did. That pompous brat looked like he had never even been taught the word "comb", much less like he had ever actually seen one in his life. Thankfully I can say with the upmost sincerity that it is apparent you have touched a comb at least once or twice in your lifetime, congratulations.

Finally, I must admit that it is a shame you are not in the Slytherin House. You would make a marvelously competent second string player to Draco on our quidditch team. Despite needing me to help you stay on your broom by counter cursing Quirrel last year, you do show more talent than most of the other students in your house out on the pitch.

Whether this letter finds you in good or poor health, I shall not be bothered in the slightest. Hopefully my sincere compliments about your physical attributes and your talent on the quidditch pitch satisfy Dumbledore's requirements for this letter. 

Begrudgingly, 

Severus Snape

P.S. So that no one else may read this, nor that you may copy it for posterity or otherwise, this paper will disintegrate within ten minutes of opening. 

Lyrics Artists: Sara Bareilles, Bruno Mars