INFP EMPATH ~ INTO THE DEPTHS

The "influence"

There may be times in your life when you will not be the only form of influence in your life. Your actions can be influenced by outer forces, and so can your thoughts. This is what happened to me, until it was very very late, but luckily not too late.

Six years of my life was spent in this space, and I had no idea about it. In fact, to come to think of it, it was more than six years. My life changed instantly and I was too depressed and abused to notice. I used to be confident and self sufficient. I was able to deal with issues in a more matured and stable way, even though I was younger, I thought that I was smart, and that was enough.

It started when I was in grade 7. We moved from the 'boys side' to the oh-so-daunting 'girls side'. My teachers were very nasty (they all were women) and I was bullied very severely, but it was emotional bullying.

I would spend hours in a mental frenzy, not knowing what was going on, in a type of mental fog. It occurred more and more often and I blamed it on myself; that I was watching too much tv, that I didn't sleep well the night before, that I was crying the night before, etc.
I felt very very lonely and it was really a horrific experience.

Though I may have not noticed it, my mind was being weakened. My friends really liked me, and they would tell me about their problems and they tried to get me a boyfriend, and the list goes on. They would bring their mothers to school to meet me,and I only realized afterwards🙈

I began to gain weight, more and more, I became bloated and it was getting worse. One day when my mother dropped me off at school she was so angry at me and she lectured me about how I look like a 3 month old pregnant woman. She did not support me, she just ridiculed and mocked at me. I thought it was thyroid and the gynea sent me for tests and said there's nothing to worry about. I just became more and more bloated. 

I suffered from chronic constipation for a long time and school was a nightmare. I felt misunderstood and ignored. I found small talk and useless whats-the-president-stealing-now kind of conversations well... useless.   

I couldn't manage maths and science and I dropped those subjects for maths lit and business studies. I hated hated hated business studies😧

I remember the day I changed subjects, some of the girls were really happy. I cried for a week before that and now I was ready to accept my fate. It wasn't the end of the world (it actually gave me alot of time to withdraw from school throughout my schooling experience) but I know that I could've achieved more.

That was also the time when I discovered Riyaadh. Riyaadh was a painful discovery, like a journey, if I could say😔. It changed me for life.

As time moved on, I became more and more aloof, and because being aloof as an INFP can be taken for granted, I took it for granted when in fact it was a big big problem. 

I spent nights and nights weeping and pining after my heartache. I felt unknown and unheard. It still affects me. I'd like to write about it but maybe I will write a love story based on it, if I have the courage to go through it all again. I do hold all the pain in my heart and I just push it away but I know that is detrimental. However, that's another story for another day. 

I was alerted of the "influence" when I woke up one night doing things which I would never do consciously. Its very embarrassing, and hurtful. I was rock bottom on the emotional scale and was going through the loneliness experience, as I would like to call it. To skip the many details and get to the point, it was quite a journey with many lessons to learn

Hey everyone! I hope that so far you are enjoying my expressions and personal transparency. If there's something in specific that you would like to know then please do inform me :) Until then...have a great experience!