Against All Odds

Chapter 22

Oh, Kill me now.

Zack is back and he's better than ever. The Propofol is totally gone from his system and I am just overjoyed that he's in the pink of health. I finally get to see him alive. Not that he was ever dead. He was always asleep whenever I wanted to see him.

That's the thing.

I finally get to see him.

I feel like a little girl when I'm around him. My heart hammers and my palms get sweaty. I've never felt this out of sorts before. My feelings for him are intensified every time I steal a glance to look at him or when his voice makes contact with my ears.

But the guilt is there. Every time. I still feel responsible for what happened to him. I know, it's all in the past and blah blah blah blah but still, if I never broke up with Josh, he wouldn't have almost died. Josh wouldn't have been arrested and I wouldn't be in this situation.

I guess it's another story of girl loves boy but boy doesn't love girl. The chances of Zack having feelings for me is almost impossible. I am the cause of this whole catastrophe. He should be hating me and not liking me.

So, yes, someone please kill me now 'cause I can't take one more minute of this torture.

Zack has been constantly trying to get me talking and be myself but to no avail. I just can't bring myself to be me now. I feel torn and messed up beyond repair. Zack has been extra friendly to me and it is increasing my guilt even more. 

Sometimes, he brings back the issue that he's okay and that I shouldn't worry. But we all know that's not why I am acting out of sorts, right?

I've confided in Hollie about my feelings for Zack and instead of being surprised, she told me she expected it. Everything was just too much for me to bottle up inside that I needed someone to listen to me and that particular person was Hollie. Hollie has been very understanding of my position but her wise words tends to get me annoyed. I hate it when she has a strong point. Don't we all hate it when we're proven wrong?

"It's about time for one of you to have feelings for the other. You two spend so much time together that it was bound to happen. Although, I expected Zack to have feelings for you first. Most of the time it's boys who falls for the girl first." Hollie retorts, on one of our hang outs.

"Too bad he doesn't, won't or shouldn't have feelings for me."

"Oh you sour puss. Lighten up, will you? See the glass half full instead of half empty."

"I not being a pessimist, Hollie, I'm just being a realist. Why would he have feelings for me after the whole spiking incident? Even if he has before the whole thing, it would've evaporated by now."

"Feelings aren't water, Madison. They can't just appear and disappear just like that. Feelings are more like-" she pauses, thinking intently before continuing, "- sparklers. You light them up and they spark until it's times for them to dim out. But, it always leaves a scent an imprint."

"All in all, they will always affect you whether it's due to the spark or the imprint they left behind."

Isn't Hollie wise?

Sometimes, I forget that she's just 2 years older than me. I have the tendency to feel like she's half a decade older than me. I feel like she's my aunt.

So, now I am in my room and Zack is egging me to talk. It's not that I don't talk to him, I do, it's just not as much now. I would only talk to him when it's really vital.

I guess I'm on a mechanism which is trying to push my feelings away from him. I'm trying to forget my feelings for him and move 'cause the chances of him liking me back is almost none. It really is.

"Madison, please. Talk to me." Zack pleads and just by the tone of his voice my heart melts.

Oh, how I love to hug him right now.

"Madison, stop worrying about me. That's not your job. I'm okay, I really am. Now please, talk to me. Be the Madison I know."

Shut up, Zack. I'm so close to crumbling here. Although, it warms me up that he said that he wants me to be the Madison he knows, that is still nothing compared to the guilt and frustration I have inside.

"Madison,"

"I'm not worried about you, Zack. You're all better now, so there's no need for me to worry. It's just something else that's bugging me." I respond, as monotone as I can.

"Oh? Like what?"

"It's nothing, Zack. Really. Now leave me alone."

"Has it got anything to do with you meeting up Hollie almost everyday after lectures?"

"Zack, seriously. Let it slide." I pleaded, serious.

"I won't. All I wanted was for you to be yourself again. This thing must be a big thing to make you act as how you are now."

Little does he know the severity of my situation.

"Zack, please. Let it go. It really is none of your business."

Heck, it is your business. It is about you.

"It is my business. If it concerns you, than it will automatically will be."

Stop it, Zack. I'm trying not to smile here. It makes me really happy that he cares for me that much. Has he been like that before? I never really took notice of it. Typical ignorant Madison.

"No it is not, Zack."

"Yes it is, Madison. Do me a favour and tell me what it is."

"No, I can't."

"Why?" he asks, fervently.

"Because it will jeopardize our friendship and make things even worse than it already is!" I practically exclaim unable to withstand the pressure of his persistent interrogation.

For a moment, he remain silent and the room echoed with my previous statement.

"I didn't know we were that bad." he finally pipes up, his tone stunned.

What is he going at?

"I thought this was just a hurdle we have to get through. I didn't know you thought of us like that. I felt like we were okay."

This is exactly why I didn't want to tell him. 

"But, if that's how you feel, Madison. Fine. I'll give you some space. I won't talk to you or even have any contact with you. I'll give you a couple of days."

NOOOO! I need you, Zack.

But really this is what I need to push away my feelings for him. The less contact I have to do with him, the easier for me to forget I ever had feelings for him.

However, something tells me this would be the hardest thing I'll ever do in my entire life.