fallingforyou || poetry

|| baby blue ||

tell me little baby blue
because I don't know what to do
please just teach me how to love you

-

So my mum is pregnant again. And I've ranted about this to Dee I don't know how many times but I just don't know what to fucking do. I'm the only one in the family who isn't excited. I don't want another kid. Why does this seem to fucking happen whenever my parents have been arguing for ages? Were all of us kids just a fucking plan to save their relationship? We can't afford another kid. We don't have the space at home. The two younger girls already share a room with one single bed, it's why they still sleep with mum and dad even though one of them is four years old. Sure, I'm gonna love this kid as much as I fucking can when it gets here but its not gonna stop me from dreading its arrival. I can't fall in love with a baby I haven't met who is already causing stress in my household, and there's still six months of pregnancy to go before it even gets here. I don't want another sibling. And I honestly can't express how selfish I already feel for even thinking all of this but I have no idea how we're going to look after another kid. I'm gonna be sixteen this year, so there's not even a chance that I'm going to be allowed to move out for another two years at least, and even then I don't even know if they'll let me.

There are times that I miss when it was just me and my brother, but I can look past that because I really fucking love my little sisters but we don't need another one. Again, I feel selfish, but I'm going to have even less attention and more responsibilities to what I already have with always helping to look after my siblings. If we're struggling with money now I don't see how they can think a baby is going to make that any better.

I'm sorry for ranting, I'm just really fucked up over all of this at the moment. Its just always in the back of my mind and the more my family talks about it, the more a dread it and begin to resent a kid that isn't even born yet.