Conscience

#1. A change of heart

I couldn't bear it. I wished fervently to be anywhere else than here.

All around me, music pounded against the walls making my ears blast. Multi-colored lights flashed while women twirled and men drank. The paparazzi were lined against the wall clicking away on their cameras, as the world around them glimmered and glowed, apparently in ''fun''. Disgust and misery swirled in my stomach making me sway unsteadily on my feet, so that I clutched the table nearby for support. A waiter hurried to my side and shoved a glass of beer under my nose. I shook my head and waved him away. I need to get out of here I thought. But then, my heart sank, my early exit will not go unnoticed. Of course the paparazzi will surround me, asking me unnecessary questions! I cursed and looked around. I spotted someone's coat lying abandoned on a chair, which I quickly grabbed and wrapped around me. To make myself inconspicuous, I covered my head with the flimsy shawl that I had carelessly wrung around my neck, and looked around. Thankfully, the paparazzi's attention was now fixed upon a drunken couple, which was dancing to some weird banana song. Oh good, I thought, Make it last. And like a bat out of hell, I ran out of the fire exit, to the serene world beyond.

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The inky black sky looked gorgeous with its white jewels spread about. The cool night breeze somewhat calmed my hammering heart, and I sighed. Those last few hours at the nightclub had been ... stifling. No more nightclubs, I chided myself, as my lonely footsteps echoed across the street. But it wasn't only the nightclubs. This feeling of suffocation, of something slowly strangling the life out of me had been paying frequent visits to me lately: at the sing offs, at parties, during practices... that wretchedness of mind, which made it impossible for me to be happy even amongst friends. It isn't that I don't have a great life, I do. I'm a singer after all, and I know that thousands would do anything to swap their lives with mine – just to be a part of all the glamour. I have all the money I could ever want, the luxuries that some can only dream of. But then .. what is happening? It is as if life had lost the charm it once had for me. Music, which had been my faithful companion for years, doesn't appeal to me anymore. Alcohol makes me sick. And I'm running away from nightclubs as if something is pursuing me. Something is seriously wrong with me.

What is happening? Have I caught the plague? Is this what the plague does? Does it slowly eat you up in the inside? Perhaps it does. Perhaps that is what is happening, and maybe I'm slowly dying

I started as I heard another pair of footsteps coming towards my direction. I only had time to hurriedly secure the shawl around my head when a girl, fully covered in black garb came into my view. Please don't recognize me I prayed, and walked on looking down. I'm not really in the mood to sign autographs right now.

''Assalamu alaikum sister''

I looked up, startled. The girl flashed the tiniest of smiles at me, and before I could form a coherent reply from my muddled brain, she was gone.

What? Why did she say that to me? I wondered, flabbergasted. Oh right. This stupid shawl. She probably thought I was muslim.

Um. Well ... to be honest I am. Or I was. I .. don't know anymore. Am I? It has been such a long time since I've prayed or even thought about God. I had never been given the proper Islamic knowledge when I was small anyway, and at the earliest opportunity, when my singing career started, I managed to escape its influence gradually. Well, music has never been an option in Islam. A surge of guilt passed through me, but I pushed it away.

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Assalmu alaikum sister

Assalamu alaikum. Peace be upon you. Of course I recognized the term. But why does my conscience prickle everytime I think about it?

No matter how hard I tried to push the image of the girl away, it popped on my head repeatedly. The phrase that she had uttered kept falling oddly at my ears. It didn't make sense.

Or maybe it did. Peace. Isn't that what I had been searching for, all these days? Isn't that the very word which described everything I wanted in life, right now? I was seeking contentment - not glittery fake happiness - in this cruel world all along.

Peace. It's strange that it took random girl to shove that word at me.

Suddenly I was confronted with an idea so huge that I was surprised it took so long to resurface.

I quickly went into my washroom and performed ablution as I could remember. I hunted in my cupboard in which I keep unused things, for that copy of Qur'an with its translation, my aunt had sent for me once – only I had never bothered to open it. Once I had extracted it, I shook the dust out of it, and opened it, sitting on a couch.

Verily in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest (13 : 28)

The first verse that caught my eye was so nerve-racking, that my face burned in what only could be shame. My conscience started prickling even more painfully, and suddenly my whole body was wracked with sobs. What have I done? I cried into my hands what have I done? Guilt attacked me like shards of glass. How could I have forgotten my Creator when I've had a small share of fame? I was disgusted at myself.

But it seems he hadn't forgotten me. He, in his mercy, had shown me the path, had shown me where I went wrong, had lead me to this, although I was already drowning in my ocean of sin. He, the most Compassionate, chose me once as a muslim, and then He had chosen me again.

I had no words.

Shaking, sobbing, I slowly read the Qur'an, with a grateful heart. Slowly, gradually, I felt that total submission to Allah giving me that incredible peace of mind, which had always evaded me.

That night, when I prayed for the first time in years, I could only remember one thought : Allah hasn't forsaken me. Allah hasn't forsaken me. Allah hasn't forsaken me. And I was grateful.

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