Societies Result in Us

Athazagoraphobia

19/02/2014-14/12/2015

I've been through pain in this life. I believe it to be a punishment for the atrocities committed in a past life. Athazagoraphobia is the fear of being forgotten... ignored or replaced by the ones you have close to what's left of your broken heart and mind. For years, I have been consumed by the demons' people tell me are not real, they are figurative nightmares that we all must deal with. I know that this isn't true, I know what we see is real and what they do to us brings us down. People leave us because we cannot control what we're becoming, personally my biggest fear is to be forgotten... never remembered and just seen as another single pawn in the game we call life. When I first went into high school I had everything, friends, good peers and a smile on my face, but as the months went by I slowly began losing everything and everyone. Betrayed by one of those 'friends' the rest followed, I was struck down by not one but damn near the whole group I called, 'friend' I'm still laying there confused. I did not deserve the pain I was given... if there were a God why was I crushed? I was forgotten, I was abandoned and I was on my own, my whole life since that day changed, but I believe it was in me the entire time. I hated myself, I beat myself and I punished myself in blood and fire, my mind changed and I starved myself. I would not eat, I would not drink but I had an insatiable addiction to lifting weights, slowly I pushed my body and mind to the point where I hoped it would shut down and it would never start up again.

    Cherophobia

14/04/2016-23/04/2016

Ihad but one friend left, she was beautiful and her body, mind and spirit had noequal. Her past had caught up with her the same time I was thrown down by theworld and we both lost everything. we were never spoken to, and we were neverhelped, and those around us used every chance they had to bring us down again,we were all we had and we were inseparable. One day we were walking to schooltogether like we always have and we both asked each other, "why does Godcondemn us?" but neither of us had an answer, it was as if we were born to feelthe pain that the happy people did not feel. Walking to school we were dressedin a way to us was normal, regardless of the heat we loved it, she'd be in hernormal 'My Chemical Romance' shirt and her black skinny jeans with her blackvans, and I was dressed in my 'slipknot' band merch with a thick black beanie.We were still a fair distance from school and as we talked we decided that wedid not want to go... so we went a different road and pulled out two cigarettes,we went to the city and did whatever we wanted all day, we smoked, we got highand we even drank moonshine from her grandad's special stash. For hours, we hadfun and for once lost the care for the world's opinion and did not care that itjudged us. We found comfort in each other and we finally kissed after years ofbeing best of friends, I realised that when she kissed me it was night and itwas three A.M. We walked home very slowly that night without a care in theworld, all I knew is that I have never been as happy as I am now since everyoneafter years of love broke me and left me. I stayed at her house but we did notsleep, for the time we just enjoyed each other's company, talking about thedark dreams we have and the things we'd do to this world if we had the powerto. The next day we went to school for the first time as a couple, it shouldhave been fine... two year elevens dating, it was completely normal, what was wrongwith it? Holding her hand, we walked through the gates to the school andimmediately noticed the cold stares everyone gave us, it was not the same as weused to get as friends, we'd always walk together since we both started highschool but this was different... they see that we're holding hands now and theyknow that we are now together. My anxiety began to spike and my heart startedto race but I did not show it, I just wanted us to be left alone in thedarkness they through us in. I took her to class and we kissed goodbye until Isaw her in the next few hours, I smiled at her and I got the thought that Ihave loved her somewhere in the years we have been best of friends. She textedme saying that she had always loved me in the years that we have been friends,my life was becoming so irreplaceable that I'm happy all those things happenedto me because if they did not, i would not have had these feelings. Though Iwas happy... I had an abysmal fear growing in me, if she left then what would Ibe? Where would I go? An hour later I got a text from her asking to meet me,and that she stormed out of class. Something happened, I knew somethinghappened, but I couldn't find her. I ran as fast as I could to her house tofind her, I am sure that I broke my toe doing so but I had to find her. I didnot know what to do or how I could help myself if I lost her, the door waslocked, but I found her bedroom window smashed. I froze in place, so much wascutting through my mind in that split second, I stood there looking into thedark house, I heard a bang and I instantly jumped through the window cuttingopen my left bicep and I screamed her name in desperation until I found a blooddrenched straight-razor. Her bathroom door was locked and something on theother side was blocking it, I banged on it crying her name. I felt my toes warmup and when I looked down my tears had been dripping into a puddle of what Iknew was her blood, I felt so angry... so much hate I broke through that doorand I saw her sitting there, empty of her own blood. I could not do anything,she was everything I had left, I loved her, I closed her lifeless eyes but Iswear she smiled at me... everything that made me happy was gone. She liedthere peacefully, I called for an immediate ambulance but I knew she was gone,and when the ambulance arrived I left after watching her being put on thestretcher with a blanket over her face. I had nothing left. 

The Dream   

    22/08/2016-27/11/2016

I punished myself for not being able to protect her, we should have run away to find a new world for people like us. I never did find out what happened and it consumed me, I never thought I could fall any deeper than I was before I became her boyfriend, and I was wrong... so very wrong, every night I dreamt of seeing her lifeless corpse lying there, but in the dream her spirit arose from her body and stared down at me smiling. In this dream, she took my hand and freed my soul from the pain I went through and took me away from the pain I was about to go through. I went to school for the first time two months after she was taken from me, and like it always was, people starred at me, though as I walked through the school that morning, one by one the people I used to call 'friend' came to me and hugged me with tears in their eyes, all but the one they followed. I did not feel anything for these people anymore, nor anything else. That day went very, very slow but every minute of it I had someone different come to me crying, hugging and apologising for the wrongs they did to me. I told them each, and all that I would rather they were skinned by sea shells and boiled in lemon juice than have them dare approach me. One of them told me after hearing my thoughts about the sea shells that they apologise they did not stop him, I knew exactly who they referred to and I asked instantly what he did to her. They froze with shaking shoulders and tear-festered eyes and muttered that he was the cause... he reminded her what happened to her in the mental ward of a hospital from her past, he brought up the most painful memory and unlocked it after so many years of her keeping it under lock and key. They told me she ran out of the class bawling her eyes out and holding her head as if something were clawing at the inside of her skull trying to get out, and that he followed her out of the classroom, taking her medication and crushing it under his foot. I towered over the sympathising traitor with my eyes fixated to his, with my fists, I looked for him, I did not stop, I threw teachers out of my way, it was as if I was under a bloodlust. I could not control myself... I found him playing basketball with the same original group who took my happiness from me the first time, but now... they stole the only happiness I cared about, they saw me and approached, cocky and careless. We were face-to-face and our eyes were levelled, I grabbed him by the back of his neck as if punishing an animal, with enough strength to put him on his knees and I then cracked him on his temple with my knee. I put him to the ground but I did not stop... he was still conscious; it was not enough for what he's done to me, his friends watched as I pulled him by his hair to the curb of the road and repeatedly forced his head through the concrete until you could see nothing but a puddle of blood filled with hairs. I ran away from that world and I found myself in the graveyard where I buried her ashes... there I sat for hours on end, I only thought of the kiss I shared with her, why did I leave her? There was no coming back from what I did today... so I slept. It felt like years that I just laid there in darkness without a dream, but then I woke up... I was confused, I woke up in a hospital bed and the cuts, the blood and the burns from when she was taken were gone. The door opened and I panicked, it felt like it was slow motion, I saw the handle turning and creaking. The door opened and I saw her long and silky black hair with the light of the room reflecting of it, like it was from a movie she yelled my name and ran to me crying saying that I was finally awake. She kissed me saying she loves me and she always did, I could not get a word in, she asked why I tried to over-dose. A doctor came in asking her to sit at my side while he asked me questions, he asked if I knew what day it was and I told him, it was the twenty-seventh of the eleventh, two-thousand and sixteen. She smiled at me calling me silly and telling me it was the twenty-second of the second, two-thousand and fourteen.

Dreams don't always come true. But that does not always have to be a bad thing.