What no one would see behind the eyes of my simple being, is things that would leave you questioning your existence more than you lived in it. Imagine looking in the mirror and ripping at the skin that wraps around your body to keep you safe, you want it off. You want it all off so you can see the veins and bones just to prove you're a human too. You want to claw out your eyes so you don't have to see what a mess you've become because you couldn't keep track of the positive thoughts anymore. They were out of your reach, they have been for a while. And when you would reach for it you realized your hands could actually move and when they moved you would jump and gasp wondering how it all worked. But then the realization hit you as you stared down at your hands, the horror filled you that you have the ability to destroy either yourself or others and that was the hardest decision. The worlds always been against you but you still feel the need to protect it just in case something good might happen for once. The tears would begin to flow and you collapse onto the floor trying to rip yourself away from the image on the glass. You didn't like how your body moved, you were afraid. You didn't like how your mind thought either, rip it away. You crawl to the other side of the room in panic and when you finally sit you start to scream.. Only to realize that not a sound came out. You WISHED you could be loud enough for someone to hear. But would anyone care? But of course the thought that came in every time you tried to reach out was " no one can find out, keep it in, you're a burden, don't let them see..." because that's the number one thing you've always told yourself. And you accidentally believed it. "Why? Why be scared you exist? What's so bad about it?" Id always have no answer. Maybe it's because people always told me I looked like my mother? But oh dear god I love my mother but she isn't here. Within a flash of lighting in a raging storm she disappeared like my father, the very first man to break me. But yet again, I care so very deeply for my mother and my father but they don't see me. sometimes its like their image is permanently tattooed on the inside of my head. And every time I look in the mirror too long it's almost as if they stand on the other side of the mirror mocking me or something. As if they've been watching the whole time. I used to look at my reflection when I was younger to see long blonde hair and bright blue eyes and a smile despite how much pain I was in. I told myself I could fit in, I told myself I was going to be okay through swollen lips and a bruised body. I would love my reflection because I thought it was the only thing that would stare back at me and smile. The only thing that could ever tell me to keep going even though I wanted to end it all. Now it's gone.. All gone like the current so strong in a river it brings everything with it. Ripping away every last bridge and boat. The last time I've ever looked in a mirror and told myself I was going to be okay, was when I was staring back at a bloody nose and a black eyes had gotten from a kid at school who didn't like me. But he is not the reason, he is not to blame for it. I really don't know where or who this came from, and I'm in a mess to find out what it is. But sitting in this corner, is all I can do. Wishing my existence had never came through.
