The Cost of Love

Rebuilding my Future

Rebuilding my Future

“ All Is full of love, maybe not from the sources you’re looking at” Bjork, I was never really a fan of her when most of her music had come out, but in finding her in this time period and becoming a fan has assured me that some feelings are timeless. It was now only two days before my birthday and all I have done is manage to get myself in an emotional quagmire. Four days ago I had rediscovered Ricardo and dug up old feelings that quickly became buried in powder.

    Although I had given some time and thought to the event with Ricardo I had not wasted it. During that period I found myself attempting to distract myself, and applied for colleges. I applied for mainly local CSU’s and a few J.C.’s. At the thought of college I couldn’t help but laugh and think of an incident that happened recently. I was sitting on my boxers with Ruby’s lap top on the desk and a push pin in my hand playing with it. Before I could react Ruby had come home early from work and had seen what I was doing, or so I thought.

    “Boy what I the lord’s name are you doing in my living room with your draws on?!” She dropped her bags. “Ruby it’s not what it looks like” As I said this I knew what I had done, by trying to prove my innocence I had condemned myself to her imagination.

    “Boy don’t tell me you were using the internet for the devils deeds!” She grew angrier in my attempt to defuse her rage I showed her the laptop screen “Here look!” was all I could think of. A miracle happened and she paused.

    “Well look at you, enrolling in school and not just mopping around all day again.” For the first time she smiled in a motherly way at me, and I felt at home again.

    I hadn’t had word from any of them yet so I just decided to go for a walk and enjoy my time being a boy trapped on that weird twilight at adolescence end. I took the B.A.R.T. to San Francisco and walked up Haight Street and saw an Ethiopian restraint, and began to both laugh and feel guilty at my thoughts on the restaurant. I had imagined the inside of the restaurant to have a dirt floor and to drop packages of food from the sky, as if distributing food donations from Invisible Children. But even before this thought I thought “Wait Ethiopians have food?” and let my conscious beat me up for that racist thought. I think America was like that now people aware of the stereotypes both on paper and sitting next to us on the bus, and though we are aware we condemn these thoughts as naturally as they come.

    I stumbled into a book store the literature made available tackled the latest gay issues and I opened one up on the coming out stories. I flicked through a few pages and found a few that reminded me of my own. Even one about a boy whose parents were divorced and moved from his mom’s and Dad’s house back in fourth. He had been kicked out six times but now he was enrolled full time in college. It seemed like one of those “It gets better stories” that filled YouTube after the stories of many gay suicides. I push the book back on the shelf and I walk about the store looking at the many faces looking around, as if for a friend or the ability to avoid a dead end. In the corner of the store betwixt a few fellow readers was a curious little green book with gold pages and a crooked spine.

    I reached to grab it and as my finger tips touched the very spine another hand grabbed it and briefly touched mine. “Wait I was trying to grab that one!” I looked up at the mocha brown skinned figure.

    “Oh I’m sorry but I need this for a class, could you wait a bit I can check if there is another copy” He was cute and he seemed sincere. “Okay but if we can’t you can keep it I was just curious as to what it was.” He shot me a smile, and my face began to grin; I guess smiles are contagious.

    “Thanks my teacher would have had my ass, oh the book is a discussion of human sexuality.”

    “If your teacher doesn’t need it can I have it?” I smirked and licked my lips.

    “If my teacher doesn’t need what? No I need this book for class sir.” He was serious now and his smile had faded but he was still cute. About 6 ft tall kind of masculine sounding and pretty lips, you could tell he was black but  obviously not a full breed. He had a small mustache that outlined his lips, those killer lips.

    “Not the book, but that ass!” I got closer and grabbed his hand as it held the book, and saw his demeanor change.

    “My name is Ramen” he stepped a foot back.

    “Huh, wait I don’t think you heard me”

    “Oh I heard you, but you don’t even know my name, and by giving you my name I become less of an object.” This kid had me stomped.

    “Oh I’m Michael nice to meet you.” He had forced me to be polite and formal but I didn’t stop.

    “Well Michael since you’re obviously attracted to me, and have time for sex would you like to use it to get something to eat instead. I’d rather spend my time getting to know someone than to waste it on a nameless nobody.”

    “Ouch are you always this blunt” I said

    “Only when I need to get to someone who is hard headed” This kids tongue was quick, I think I liked that.

He led me away from the Castro district and we took the BART to jack London square in Oakland. The whole time we were on the train watching scenery flash by I sat next to him, something about him was calming. When we got off at the station there we were met by a cold breeze that both shook and passed through us.

    “Man this was the wrong day to wear a tank top” He said smiling while hugging himself. For a moment I thought of offering him my jacket but he wasn’t a female, and defiantly walked forwards against that thought. After a few blocks walk we wound up at a nice restaurant that was similar to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles but was called Dave’s and was buffet style. It show cased an all you can eat soul food and comfort food entrée.

    “I’ve never been here before, but the food smells nice.” I looked to talk to him and saw that he had already found a table. He motioned with his right hand for me to come to his table while texting with his left. I felt like a dog.

    “Oh it’s you’re first time? I come here whenever I visit the bay area. The service is great and it makes mestizos like me feel attached to cultural link to something.” His voice sounded like it carried divine and proud indignation with it, as if he was a herald for a cause.

    “So you speak Spanish huh, what are you mixed with?” I looked at him for a little bit to examine. Tannish brown with light yellow dabs of color in his skin. A thin mustache that outlined his full lips and eyes that was kind of chinky.

    “Does it matter?” He appeared defensive.

    “No I’m just curious”

    “Guess what I am than” He said with a wide faced smile.

    “Well your name is Ramen I’m guessing you’re black and Asian?”

    “Haha hilarious no I’m not I’m black and Native American.”

    We spent an hour just talking about life and ambitions, of homes destroyed and rebuilt, but most importantly of love. He told me of a man he had loved whom committed suicide and had died in his arms. The way he spoke about him really made me think of who I was with Ricardo and who I am now.

    “His form of love was like fire it drew me in, he kept me warm and I knew he burned for me. I did the same for him, but in the end he burned the brightest. It was that exact light that lives within me now, and guides me through this troubled place.” He was deep, his gestures and speech were poetic. Ramen seemed like the kind of guy who could turn not only his emotions and thoughts, but mine as well into sheer poetry in moments. Than deconstruct the tone and mood that he set with an off colored joke. He was a contradiction I could get to know and befriend maybe even love.

    “What are you looking for Ramen, I mean in generality?” I was nervous and choked on my words a bit, and he seemed to notice.

“I’m looking for friendship, I need that more than anything. I try to seek love but many people here seem to be jaded, carrying around their own emotional bagged and then drop those same bags on their next. You’re cute but I honestly can’t say I would date you now.”  His words struck a chord I hadn’t felt in a while but just by spending some time with him, I knew he wasn’t someone I would risk losing. It’s funny how you can reach out for something you want in life, and then someone hands you what you need.