Water & Flame

Aniela: Before

The first time I saw him, I thought I had officially gone over the deep end and belly-flopped straight into a pool of crazy. That night, I was sitting on the edge of our old wooden dock made of moaning old boards that had begun to fray with sharp splinters. My long tanned legs dangled over the edge, swinging back and forth to the rhythm of a soft melody that had hitched a ride with the wind. I came out to the end of our weathered dock every evening when the sun lit the sky on fire, as if it was announcing its exit. And, every night, I gazed at the still water below my feet to see the reflection of the stained sky splayed across the glassy surface. But, that night, it wasn't the array of vibrant colors mirrored across the river that had my attention. It was the pair of deep blue eyes that stared up at me from underneath the surface of the rippling water.

I sucked in sharply, simultaneously squeezing my eyes shut tightly until arrays of colored orbs danced behind my eyelids. My hands, which had been lying loosely across my lap, squeezed tighter and tighter until my nails began to bite into my skin. "Not real, not real," I thought to myself, willing the hallucination to have faded away by the time I mustered the courage to pry my eyes open. Methodically, I went through each of the steps my psychiatrist instructed me to follow when my medication managed to trick my mind. Count to ten, slowly and silently, "One, two, three..." Take deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. In, out. In, out. Remain calm, nothing can hurt me. "Not real. Not real."

I remained there, perched on the edge of my family's dock, silently screaming at myself that everything was okay, for what seemed like days. The sound of the water lapping against the dock faded into silence as the number of boats on the water waned with the loss of sunlight and the promise of sound sleep. I could feel the tiny legs of the ever-persistent mosquitoes landing on my soft skin, then felt their departure once their thirst was quenched. Even with the guarantee of an itchy bite, I didn't dare move to swat at the pests. If I moved an inch, every brick I was using to build myself back up would come crumbling down until all that was left of me was dust.

The sharp snap of the screen door banging shut is what finally pulled me out of my head. My clenched fists steadily loosened until my fingers were lying casually across my lap, and then, slowly, I opened my eyes. The crescent moon far above my head gave me a crooked smile as thousands of stars twinkled around it in the dark night sky. Reluctantly, I looked over my shoulder to see my younger brother, Callum, swiftly making his way over to where I sat on the edge of the dock.

"Ela," his soft call shattered the silence, "we missed you at dinner. I called for you to come in, but you remained so still, like you didn't even hear me." Wincing internally, I gave him a sad attempt at an apologetic smile before turning my attention back up to the masterpiece of flickering stars above my head. The dock groaned in disdain as Callum stooped to sit beside me. "Mom and Dad are going to call Dr. Asa," I cringed at the thought of my psychiatrist knowing her methods were failing, "this is the third dinner you've missed this week."

"I'm sorry," I murmured, my voice hoarse due to hours of disuse, "I lost track of time."

Callum's legs began to swing gently as he let out a quiet sigh, "What was it this time? The long snake trying to suffocate you? The man without a face whispering things you were too far to hear? Or the spiders emerging from underneath your nails?" I could feel his gaze on me, but all I could muster was a meager shake of my head as I pursed my lips. "Ela, please talk to me. I'm worried. We're all worried."

I tore my gaze from the big dipper to face Callum. His dark eyebrows were pinched inwards with worry, his firm jaw set in discontent, his array of freckles visible even in the pale moonlight, and his large dark brown eyes which were boring into mine, demanding a response.

"Callum, I'm fine," my voice betrayed me as it broke on the last word, his sharp gaze softened as I reopened my mouth, "Okay. Not fine. I'm the same. The usual. I don't want you to worry," I gave him a pleading look before dropping my gaze. "Please don't worry."

"Ela," he mumbled his nickname for me before clearing his throat, "you sleep with all your lights on, you have deep purple permanently smudged underneath your eyes, you forget to eat, people have to say your name five times before you notice they're even standing in front of you. You're here but you're not here. You say you're fine, but I know you're not. And I know it's been getting worse, I'm not blind. Please, just don't treat me like I'm a little kid who knows nothing; Mom and Dad do that enough."

Tears welled in my eyes, and I looked up in an effort to keep them from slipping. I drew in a long breath of the cool summer air before murmuring, "I didn't realize it was that obvious."

Callum let out a sharp laugh, "Are you kidding? It's so clear that there's basically a billboard hovering above your head counting down to your impending dive off the deep-end."

I let my russet hair fall around my face, "I'm sorry."

"Damn it, Ela! Stop apologizing. Apologizing to me, Mom, Dad, or even Dr. Asa isn't going to change anything. Okay? You have to fight for things to improve, you can't just sit there waiting for the medication to finally work properly. If Dr. Asa is working as hard as she can to find a medicine that won't do this to you, then you have to give her the courtesy of at least trying to get better."

"Cal-" his name whooshed out of my mouth before I even knew how to respond. A single tear escaped and slid down my cheek, leaving a wet path down my face until it slid to my chin and dripped onto my lap. "I am trying. Everyday I wake up and push myself to get out of bed, even if the medication takes all my strength and replaces it with fatigue. Every morning, I'm forced to look at myself in the mirror to see the hollowness in my eyes, to see that a little more of me has disappeared overnight. Do you know how hard that is? To feel your true self slowly leaving your body and being replaced bit by bit with a sluggish zombie?"

For a moment, Cal hesitated, and I could hear my parents arguing in hushed voices on the porch. No doubt about me, I was always the problem that needed to be fixed. But, before I could discern what they were saying, Cal muttered, "But that's just it, Ela. I don't think you are trying," he paused, as if to collect his thoughts, "You're letting yourself slip away. Dr. Asa told you how to make things better, and you're not doing them. You've given up. And I don't know how much longer I can just sit idly by and watch my only sister deteriorate."

"Callum-"

"No," his breath hitched ever so silently. "Listen to me Ela. I need you to start doing what your doctor told you to do. You must start taking all of your pills when specified and going to sleep when Dr. Asa suggested. You need to get exercise, to communicate, to laugh. For your sake, and for our family. Do you think you're the only one that is impacted by all this? We all care about you Ela, and it kills us to see you like this. It's killing me," Callum stopped abruptly as his voice grew gruff, he cleared his throat gently before continuing,"I love you too much to see you this way, Ela."

As I lifted my head to look at him, everything else ceased to matter. My little brother, who used to be so full of witty jokes and bright smiles, now watched me warily with a lost look in his eyes. I met his gaze, certain I looked as desperate as him, "When did my little dove become so wise?" A slight tug of his lips was all he could offer at the sound of the nickname I had given him years ago when I was obsessed with finding the meanings behind names.

"Promise me Ela," he whispered, concern dripping from his every word, "Promise me you won't give up."

"Of course, Cal," I gave his callus-ridden hand another squeeze, "I won't. I promise."

After giving him all the reassurances he needed and somehow being looped into his jog the next morning, Callum slid his hand out from underneath mine and stood up, slowly making his way back to the now dark house. As I watched him walk away, now with more of a bounce in his step, all I could do was wonder, "When did he grow up?"

                                                                                                ✢ ✢ ✣

Minutes after watching Callum leave the dock, I finally braved a look back down to the water, hoping I wouldn't find the blue eyes gazing back up at me. I let out a long breath I hadn't realized I was holding when all I saw was the moon's reflection rippling atop the surface of the water, still giving me that crooked smile.