YouR MoTHer

it makes me toilet everyday

one day i was making coffee. it was black. once you go black you never go sugar. (RobertIDK). 

my dad walked in. i don't know why, he didn't live with me. but then i realized that last night, he came home shaking and smelled of rotten,,,toast.

i washed him clean as he was a disgusting pig that shouldn't even be aLIVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!!! YOU UNLOVED USELESS PEIVCE OF SHIT GOOD FOR NOTHING!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!11!

okay. "welcome home my father", i said. then my dad said "GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!!1!" THen i realized why he had smelled of rotten toast. he was shrek. i remembered why i left the house when i was 45. he told me he was shrek and told me to leave the swamp

it was all clear then. he sat on the bar with his feet dangling. only his feet, he was 3'4". i was liken, "dad, you need to get out of my swamp." and he balled 

"your mom killed your pizza from when you were .25 years old." he giggled.

"dad thats not funny, i want to kill our family cat, but i wont, will i m8?" i wiggled

"panic! at the disco" she loled

"why don't you just stab him with pulled pork already danny boi?" i implored myself

"I WILL TRAVEL ACROSS THE LAND SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE EACH POKEMON TO UNDERSTAND THE POWER THATS INSIDE!" dad sobbed

"daddy philly, can i pee on you?" i sighed as i sat like a chicken ontop of his bald head.

"no. LOLZOR." dad scoffed

then, a person i thought i would never see again burst through the door...

"toP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES!!" markipie said.

Markipie is the amalgamate of Sean, Mark, and Felix. 

"WHO WANTS A BAG OF TOILETRIES???" he yawned?

"me matey, can i lick you eyes?" i laughed!

"sure...?!" he shrieked

i got up and realized he was flying. his beautiful angelic wings flapping away.

i jumped and hovered close to his face

daddy shrek philly looked jealous and i wanted him to help me lick markipie's eyes.

i think i loved markipie more than daddy philly that moment

i licked markipie's sweet eyes and they tasted like salty donuts

i whined, "row, row, row your boat, gently down the sea."

"i want to row your boat?!" Markipie busted

"okay?" i popped

"okay," then he attached his face to my pinky toe and flew with me hanging by the pinky toe out of the window.

"goodnight my sweet prince!" daddy philly screamed out of the window as we flew into the sunset.

then i realized, daddy philly smelled like rotten toast, beacuse he loves me, and if he ever loved anyone, he smelled of rotten toast.

i had to get back to daddy philly as soon as possible.

{TO BE CONTINUED}