the switch up

31

April 10, 2017

"Don't you think this is just a little bit excessive?" Talia asks as we stroll through the bookshelves of Barns and Nobel. Ever since that day I saw that mother with her two kids I felt the need to get educated. I needed to understand what my body was going through and what I needed to expect in the months to come.

I had thrown at least ten books into my basket as well as Talia's and we hadn't even gotten halfway down the first aisle. There were so many books all about different topics, some were about pregnancy while others were about postnatal care. I needed all the help I could get since I felt like I was starting out late. It had taken me a lot longer then I thought to realize that this was all a reality.

"No, I need all the help I can get. I don't know anything about pregnancy and babies." I picked up the famous "What to Expect When You Are Expecting".

"Do you really need "All About Birth Defects"? You know all that's going to do is freak you out right?!" Talia holds up one of the books I threw in her basket. I shrug and look around some more at the different book options.

"Look, its good to be informed. I need to know these things!" I stress to her opening a book that looks completely ancient.

"No, you don't because guess what? The more you know what could go wrong the more you will freak out about it. Wouldn't you rather not know every little thing that could go wrong? Cluelessness is bliss!"

"Could you keep it down over there?" A worker shushed Talia as she apologized. Although it wasn't a sincere apology since she stuck her tongue out at the woman after she walked away.

"I wasn't even being loud, bitch," Talia speaks bitterly about the middle-aged woman warning Talia due to her "loud" voice.

"Knowledge is bliss, at least if something goes wrong I will know what to expect," I tell Talia throwing a book on how to name your baby in the basket.

"Really Mads? Do you really not know how to give something a name? You are going to pay $14.75 for a step by step guide on how to name your baby?" Talia criticizes me as I just start to throw in random books.

"I don't what I'm doing, this is all overwhelming for me. I just want to make sure I'm making all the right decisions," I explain slumping over with a frown etched on my face. I was throwing all kinds of books into the baskets because I had no clue what I was looking for.

"Then let me help you," Talia grabs my hand and moves me over to the couches section of the store. A table separates us as she takes both the baskets and files through what books were fine and what ones needed to go.

"We aren't getting the birth defects one, and the disorders of the brain is also out." Talia tossed books left and right as I try to justify their advantage to me.

"No, you don't need them because nothing in those books is of value to you. Louis has told you that you and the babies are just fine, I would listen to him over some random author." Talia tucks back a strand of her hair and I cross my leg over the other. Talia then proceeds to get rid of all the books about issues that may arise during pregnancy, telling me I didn't need to worry about the what ifs.

We made 15 books slim down to 5 after many arguments and judgment calls. Talia by the end of it all convinced me that I didn't need all the books telling me different things that could go wrong. She was right in the fact that I knew it would scare me and terrify me even more if I had all that knowledge at my fingertips.

For the next 3 hours, Talia and I bummed around a little cafe and read up. Racing through the sentences of each book we almost rendered ourselves exhausted. From fetal development month to month to lactation my brain had been crammed with all things pregnancy. My head hurt from all the knowledge that had piled in as Talia and I leaned back on the cafe couch.

"I think this has been the definition of a long day! We both busted out five books in the course of one day!" I lay back and sigh yawning. My mind was running with all the new information I had learned and although I was tired I felt like it benefited me.

"I think I have read enough about newborn poop to last me a lifetime," Talia says looking over at me and yawns which causes me to yawn because let's face it, that shit is contagious.

"Harry and Zayn need to read these, I want them to both be prepared for when these babies come. We all need to get our asses into high gear." I say finding my phone and finding both Zayn and Harry's text thread on my phone.

"Okay real talk for a second," Talia sits up and turns to me while I finish up texting Harry.

"Yeah?"

"Who do you want the dad to be?" Talia asks me tucking back her waved brown hair that I was extremely jealous of. Talia always had beautiful hair that was threaded by the gods, I was convinced.

"That's not even a question, Harry every time!" I tell Talia with complete confidence. I had already made it up in my mind that Harry was going to be the father of these babies. I knew Harry would take parenting seriously and be there for me and the babies whereas Zayn I couldn't say the same.

"Why?" Talia asks and I go on to explain why Harry was in a better position to be the father of my babies.

"Harry is more responsible, he's an adult and I know that I can count on him to be there. Zayn is a child himself, he hasn't had to hold any responsibility what's so ever and that's never going to change. Zayn is who he is and there's nothing I can do about that. Harry is my rock and I know that he will always have my back." I shrug saying exactly what I was thinking. These were my exact thoughts and I have believed fully that Harry is the father of my twins and I wouldn't expect any other belief behind that.

"I just think you need to be prepared either way if the babies are Zayn's or Harry's. Mother Nature is a cruel bitch and she can ruin your plans," Talia warns and I nod knowing that she was right. Nothing was for certain but I was too stubborn to believe that these babies were Zayn's. My thoughts rooted in the fact that I didn't think Zayn deserved these babies.

Talia's words resonated with me as I made my way to Harry's house, I split up the five books and was going to drop some off at Harry's and the rest at Zayn's. I wanted them to get educated and for Zayn to get involved. I had to give him the opportunity to be involved even if I really didn't want him to be. There was always that small chance that Zayn was the babies father and if that was true in the end I wanted to give him the chance to be there.

I had to change things and this was only the beginning. There were relationships that needed mending and broken bridges that needed rebuilding but all would take time but I was willing to put the work in.

N. I wanted to update yesterday but things got complicated when I ran away from home. Writing has helped me to escape my problems for a little while. Thank you for some of the kind messages I have received you are all so sweet and I am beyond grateful for all of you.