Zayn and Niall: Everybody Needs Somebody Sometimes

Confessions

The sheets were wet again, but this time Niall didn't even have the will to fight back or get up and even clean the bed. He just lay there in the stinking pool, the tears streaming down his face, the self-loathing so much that he felt the sudden urge to kill himself, put an end to this filthy cycle. 

His body felt like a used rag doll, half the sawdust spilled out and everything else left limp. He had jolted awake, the sheets bunched between his fists as the early light washing over everything. It would have been a beautiful day, the shimmering silver dawn and calm cleansing light, but Niall still felt dirty and sick as he lay there in his own mess without the ability to move. 

The sound of impatient knocking on his door broke into the steam train of thoughts in his head. 

"Go away," Niall croaked, hoping whoever it was would just leave him alone, too tired to say anything else. It was too early for lies, too early to defend himself against the hailstorm of judgement that he would face if anyone found out. Truth be told, there was no way to defend himself. What other reason could he have for these secretive, shameful thoughts? Even if Niall hated the dreams, he could not say that he didn't enjoy them. Shit. Why would he not enjoy falling asleep thinking of Zayn lying on top of him? Violent thrusts, their hipbones clashing together, Zayn's weight pressing him down against the ground.

The knocking persisted.

"Niall, open up, you've been in there all day. Just give me a chance to talk to you. I know I said I'd leave you alone, but you're my best fucking mate and I can't let you go through this alone," Zayn said, his voice dipping into an incessant whine. "Please."

Niall's heart picked up at the sound. He heard Zayn's voice say I love you in his mind, echoing like in the dream, over and over. The things that he would give to hear him say that in real life. Hurrying slightly, he pushed himself out of bed, pulling a spare shirt on. "I already told you to leave me alone, Zayn!"

"Your door's not even  locked, you knob," Zayn said loudly from outside, banging on the wood with his fists. "If you don't open up in five seconds, I'm going to walk right the hell in. Privacy policies can suck my dick when my best friend avoids me for a whole week."

"No!" Niall shouted, falling hard onto his knees and desperately ripping the sinful sheets out in a stupid attempt to cover up. The frantic measures were useless, because barely a moment later Zayn was testily turning the handle and walking into the room. Niall kicked the sheets under the bed and looked up with wide eyes.

"Why are you shoving that under the bed?" Zayn scrunched his nose up. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing!" Niall said, his voice rising, his pulse starting to build up. The widespread panic was starting to take effect, like throbbing electricity driving his body haywire. He was suddenly furious at Zayn, at himself, at everything. "Get away from me!"

Zayn looked at the sheets on the floor, the stains on the mattress. He seemed unfazed by the anger, just standing there and staring. "What is this, Niall?" his voice was lowered. 

Niall felt a sudden earthquake wrack his whole body, shaking him to the bones, and he barely had a second to curb the tears flowing out of his eyes as he stumbled clumsily forward and collapsed into Zayn, in desperate need of comforting. Zayn put his arms around him after a shocked moment, and didn't say anything for a while as he let Niall cry into his shoulder. 

"What is this about, Niall?"

Niall shook his head, raised his eyes to meet Zayn's warm brown ones. "You'll never get it."

"I will, if you tell me," Zayn said gently.

Niall closed his eyes, buried his face in the scent of cologne on Zayn's neck, held him tighter. The other boy's hard muscles made him feel safe, the comforting pats on his back soothing him. God, under any other circumstances Niall would hold onto him for as long as he could, until their bodies became one, never separating. Zayn let him stand there for a while, then gently pulled away. 

"Tell me," he said.

Niall shook his head. "You'd hate me foreve."

"I'll be the judge of that," Zayn said. "What is it?"

Niall stepped back. "Look at me, Zayn. Look at the things I do at night. And it's all for you, everything! The things that I think about - you can't even imagine! I'm a fag, I'm - I'm a freak."

Zayn took a long, drawn-out moment to survey the bed, his eyebrows raising in slow understanding. He didn't say anything, just looked from Niall to the bed, then back again. He seemed to be struggling to find the right words to say, stumbling over sentences in silence.

"Go on," Niall spat, watching him and feeling the fear boil up to resentment and anger. "Walk out, tell everyone what a freak I am!"

Zayn shook his head, speechless. "I didn't - you never said anything about--"

"I know I never said anything, alright, and this is exactly why!" Niall shouted, suddenly looking away, ashamed and disgusted and frightened at the same time. "So you wanted to know so bad? This is it, Zayn, this is the fucking matter you wanted to find out so badly. You don't like it, do you? No, 'course not, and I don't either. You should just - just leave me alone now," he paused, surprised at the harshness in his voice. "I need to clear it up."

He couldn't explain the sudden surge of anger at himself, expensing it through Zayn instead. It was selfish, but Niall couldn't, he couldn't just keep all of this to himself anymore, he needed to just--

Zayn stared wordlessly at him and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He closed it, then opened it again. "Niall - I don't -"

"I told you to leave."

Zayn was already inching toward the doorframe, backing away from the glaring truth like he was walking over broken glass.

"Get out," Niall said miserably. "Leave me alone."

"Niall, I'm sorry, I--"

"I get it, Zayn, you're not gay, you don't have to apologize, I get it and I don't care, Jesus, just get out of my room!" Niall snapped. "Now!"

Zayn made his way outside, after casting another confused glance at Niall, and then closed the door behind him, leaving Niall alone with his sins, again.

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