The Little Mockingjay

Wings

Song: Wings by Birdy

I spend most of the next week either sitting on the couch with Finn, who is usually sleeping, or hanging around with Flint. For some reason, I am unwilling to be alone. I feel like I've lost little parts of myself these past few months, and they all lay strewn across the country, never to be found again. I've left a little of myself in District 12, which was destroyed by the fire bombs. Parts of me were taken in the depths of District 2, where they will remain forever, dispersed across the cell that I nearly met my end in. There are pieces of me in the Capitol, dropped on the forest floor from when I raced out of it to warn the military about the attack, and then back in to get Finn. Bits were lost in District 7, where I consoled Finn after he lost his mother. Now, I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I am back to invisibly. I caught a glimpse of what it was like to be watched, noticed, and even looked up to when I was being held in District 2, but it was only for a fleeting second of my life. The truth is, I should have been more careful with my wishes. I wished for excitement and adventure. Well, I sure got it. But I paid the price. We all did. At night, the house is filled with the sound of screams, mostly Mom's. Flint walks around on edge, like he's about to be attacked any second, living in constant fear, unable to escape the horrors in his mind. Dad's had two flashbacks since we've been here. My body always feels weak, and I'm still getting the crippling headaches that occasionally leave me frantic and confused. I can tell Finn is glad to have contracted an illness, as it gives him an excuse to sleep all day and avoid speaking to anyone. They days roll on monotonously and the house is filled with a sense of angst. Flint and I have a couple calls with Dr. Aurelius, which are pointless and annoying. Finn recovers, but I find him awake and crying almost every night when I slip out of my room and crawl into bed with him. I can no longer sleep alone, and Flint and I found that we are unable to share a bed. With him shouting and me kicking, no one gets much sleep. So when I wake up sweating after only a couple of hours of sleep, I meander into Finn's room and find comfort in his hugs. Every night, he wraps his arms around me, whispering soothing words into my hair, and I manage to fall asleep pressed so closely to him that I can practically feel the outlines of each of his individual muscles. It hardly ever goes further than sleeping. We've kissed a couple times, and even gone a little further, but it's weird with my parents and brother under the same roof. Nevertheless, I need him desperately, because I cannot bear to lose anymore chunks of my being. His strong arms hold me together. And although he's ashamed that I've caught him crying in the depths of the night, he has to know that he's my rock, and I'd never consider him any less of a man just because he's mourning his mother. It might be a wound he'll never recover from, and I know it's hard for him to think about anything other than his parents now that he's lost them both. Tonight is no exception. I wind up in his bed and he frantically wipes the tears from his face. I'm sitting next to him with my knees to my chest when I feel his lips crash furiously into mine.

"Don't get me sick," I say against his mouth.

"I'm better," he breathes.

I hesitate, but finally kiss him back. He smells clean, like a fresh summer breeze, and I inhale deeply as I run my hands through his fashionably messy hair. I feel him slip my shirt off, so I grab the hem of his and slowly lift it over his head. My hands go to his torso, where my fingers trace over his abs until he suddenly pulls away.

"What?" I ask, desperate to regain contact.

"Are you only doing this because you feel bad for me, Nadia?"

"Don't be stupid, of course not."

"Then why?"

"You know why. And if it helps take your mind off of things... that's good too. But I'm not with you out of pity, Finn."