The Deepest Desire of our Hearts (Severus Snape fanfic) (Watty Awards 2012)

Chapter 4- Don't forget to live

Author’s note: Hi everyone! Firstly, I wish to dedicate this chapter to Booksquirm for being an AMAZING fan of mine as well (I am seriously so blessed to have so many dedicated fans who read all of my writings). Thank you for your constant enthusiasm and support. I always love hearing from you, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

To all my readers, I am so, so, SO sorry it has taken me so long to update. This chapter has been ‘ready to go’ for a couple of weeks now, but I was playing around with possible ideas for my final chapter and didn’t want to post this one until I knew that I didn’t need to add anything to this chapter. It’s a good thing I waited because I needed to add in an extra few paragraphs to this chapter tonight, which will hopefully form the basis for the next two chapters of this story (more about that later). But for now, please, please enjoy this chapter and remember to let me know what you think! You know how much I love hearing from you guys :) Happy reading!

‘The deepest desire of our hearts’

Chapter 4- Don’t forget to live

       I do not recall ever reaching the dungeons faster than I did that night. Mercifully I didn’t meet a single obstruction on my way- no students, staff or ghosts. My office had suddenly become a sanctuary where I could hide and unashamedly allow myself to feel the emotions boiling in the pit of my stomach. I slammed the door to my office, I did not care if I woke up the entire castle; someone should know of the pain I felt even if it was my own fault. But hearing the thunderous slam was not enough to release what I was feeling- in fact I doubted anything could provide me with relief.

       Nevertheless, I needed to try; my body was struggling to cope with the immense weight in my heart. So I screamed. I was only a foot inside my office- I couldn’t even reach my desk or my bed to spare any eavesdroppers of my agony. And that’s what my scream was: an agonising attempt to rid my memory of the last couple of hours- hours when Lily was alive, she was whole… she loved me. Forbidden tears managed to escape my control and soon I was choking on my sobs, as I leaned my back against the door. I shut my eyes tight as I felt myself slide to the ground, no longer able to support myself.

      I am such a fool, I cried. I should not have allowed myself to become so vulnerable, so emotionally involved with what I saw- but it could not be helped- that bloody mirror is a curse. God only knew how Potter interpreted my reaction; I could barely hold myself together. What had he heard before he walked in? What would he think?

Why do you give a damn? I asked myself harshly.

      Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes, roughly wiped away my tears, and then whipped out my wand. I stood up shakily, and locked the door, and then slowly sat at my desk. I immediately felt the weight of my head in my hands as I attempted to calm myself down, but to no avail. As I ruminated over the past hour, I realised that even what I desired- something that was supposed to bring me hope, was instead terribly painful because it was so utterly impossible.

I can never win.

Tears began to slide down my face again as I sat in darkness, trying to work out what I did to deserve so much misery.

      Deciding that there was little point in continuing to dwell unproductively at my desk, I trudged to my living quarters. I collapsed onto my bed, my head pounding heavily due to the copious tears I had shed. I stared up at the ceiling willing myself to not resume crying; the tears achieved nothing. My heart fluttered painfully in my chest as if it had a mind of its own- its feeble attempt to return to the golden mirror. I placed my right hand over my chest, subconsciously pushing down as if forcing my heart to stop tempting me- stop beating for her. But of course, that was impossible; I would always love her…