P A G S U K O

KABANATA XI

The dim light exposed the 50 sqm clean-almost-glass-walled space with two bedrooms; one on the left, one on the right; kitchen was just right behind the main door and just across the living room, white painted ceiling, wood-look porcelain floor tile; just like me, the place was empty and looked lifeless.

"That's the master's bedroom." she pointed the left room.

"And that's the guest room." the right one.

Bianca led me to my room. As what I expected, there was a queen size bed that was two meters away from the glass wall and three meters from the door. Right side of the bed was a bedside table with a lampshade on it and beside was a wooden chair.

"Buti pumayag si AJ na siya na ang magasikaso dito."

AJ was the real estate agent slash her ex boyfriend. The purpose of our meeting before that night was to purchase my own place.

I walked closer to the glass wall.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Tagaytay."

I nodded. She sighed.

"Kumain muna tayo."

I was standing just inches away from the glass and staring at the foggy night.

"Bestie kumain ka na." tawag nito.

"B, d-do you know the feeling of losing someone who's the best part of you?" I said while blankly looking outside.

She stayed quiet.

"Y-you know, s-she's the best part of me. You know that, right?" I breathe deeply. Trying to release the heavy weight in my chest.

"I was planning to tell my family about us. Was so excited to introduce her to everyone as my girlfriend and tell them that I love this girl so much, I could marry her anytime, anywhere." my shoulder started shaking.

"S-she's my everything, B. My everything." I said the last two words in almost a whisper. I wiped my tears using the back of my hand.

"But I am not good enough for her. She fooled me. Sana sinabi niya nalang yung totoo. Maiintindihan ko naman eh. Mahirap pero iintindihan ko siya."

Hindi ko namalayang nasa likuran ko na pala si Bianca.

"Everything happens for a reason, Rhi." mahinahong sagot nito and tapped my shoulder.

Hinayaan niya muna akong kumalma. Nang maramdaman niyang medyo okay na ako ay niyaya na niya ako ulit kumain.

I sat on the floor and leaned over my back to the bed. I tried so hard to swallow my food. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na kapag pinapakain ka ng nanay mo ng pinakaayaw mong gulay cause your body needs it? Ganun ang pakiramdam.

"She came."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi ni Bianca. I slowly glanced at her.

"Habang tulog ka kanina, pumunta siya sa condo. She begged me para makausap ka."

Unti unti akong napayuko at napatitig sa pagkain ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Gusto kong matuwa pero hindi ko magawa.

"But I told her to give you time. I'm sorry Rhi kung hindi kita ginising. You've suffered too much already at ayoko ng maulit pa yun."

"It's okay B. Yo-you made the right decision."

After nun ay tinuloy na namin ang pagkain namin. Mas lalo lang akong nahirapan lunukin ang pagkain ko.

Day Seven: Sunday

Tahimik na ang paligid. Mahimbing na ring natutulog si Bianca sa kanang bahagi ng kama. Habang ako, mulat na mulat parin. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see is her. It felt like she was haunting me. It frightened me that if she'll find me, she might bring me back to that labyrinth and I could never find my way out again.

All I could do was hope that the letter I wrote for here could at least make her understand why I left.

Love,

I seriously don't know how or where to begin this letter. Maybe, I should say sorry to you first. Sorry for all the trouble I caused you. Sorry for being so childish and a bipolar girlfriend. Sorry if I love making fun of you because you look so adorable when you get mad. Sorry if I told you that Bigbang sucks. Don't worry, they're great. I was just jealous the way you adored TOP. Sorry for that day when I ate all your favorite snacks that made you hate me for a whole one week. Sorry if I always ask you to cook and do the dishes. I just love your sinigang. Sorry for waking you up at night because I'm scared to go to the bathroom alone. Sorry if I bite your shoulder all the time when you're not paying attention to me. Sorry for laughing so hard when I once put chili powder on your pancit canton that made you drank almost a whole gallon of milk. Sorry for accidentally cutting your favorite jeans. Sorry if you have to make excuses to your family just so you could be with me. Sorry for replying to your tweets and Instagram posts even if you told me not to because of the bakod. Sorry for not laughing to your jokes sometimes because they're terrible. Sorry if I love sleeping in your arms. Sorry for always biting your lips when we kiss. Sorry for leaving a hickey on your neck one time. Sorry if I get jealous easily. Sorry if my eyes can't hide my true feelings for you. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for being weak. I'm sorry that I lied. I'm not okay, Love. I'm really not okay. Everything is not okay. I'm sorry if I never asked you because I was so scared to know the truth. I'm so scared to hear it from you that you don't love me anymore. I'm sorry if the thought of you being with him scares me to death. I'm sorry if I can't make you happy anymore. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry, Love. I'm so sorry for giving up on us. I'm sorry if I have to let you go now. I am so sorry for everything.

This piece of paper will never be enough to list all the things you have done for me and I want to thank you for that. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the efforts. Thank you for the time. Thank you for all the memories. Thank you for the love. Thank you for everything.

I am letting you go not because I don't love you any longer, but because I want you to be happy even if it's not with me. I know you will be an amazing girlfriend to him. I wish you all the best, Love. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

I love you and farewell, my love.

- Rhian

"Anong plano mo?" she asked. We were in a coffee shop having an early breakfast cause I couldn't sleep.

"I'll talk to Tito Ronnie tomorrow."

"And?"

"I'll ask him to talk the management to cancel all my upcoming projects and..."

"And?"

"And if there's a way to void my contract with them."