Random crap

whats wrong with me...?

Im having all these negative thoughts....
All of them at once...im panicking and im trying to sleep it off...it isnt working...im stressing out more...
My mom told me that i should lose weight because im fat and she wanted to buy me a graduation dress...
I...started to think of starving myself....
She yelled. At me from upstairs...and told me to come do something for her...
Cause apparently...i havent done anything all this time...
I...want to be better...but i know i cant...
It hurts knowing ill forever be stupid and useless to her....
If i try to help her with something...
Being the "useless child" i am...
Will mess up on accident...
And shell yell at me....
I...have messed up so much...
That years and years ago....she doesnt know the difference between accident and on purpose when it comes to this....
If i mess up...
She thinks its on purpose....

After all of this...
I cant help but feel awful...
About how useless and stupid i am....about how fat i am...

Earlier today...
I met a guy at the park....we were both skateboarding...
Was older...
Maybe 17...
He was awesome...we talked for a bit and smiled everytime we crossed paths...
I know ill never see him again..
Idk...
I honestly dont want to...
Because even tho he was nice...
I felt like he was judging me.....
I felt like everytime he looked at me...
He said or thought something along the lines of: "that skateboards gonna break" "ew gross" "pig"
Because...
He was perfect...
He was skinny but healthy skinny...
His style was awesome...
Next to him i felt like trash....
And i felt.....odd...
U know what was worse...
There were a bunch of white girls there totally staring and checking him out....i didnt mind but they kept getting in my way...
And they were cringggyyyyyyyy....
They wear nd talk like stereotypical white girls...
And were...ass society would call them.."flawless and beautiful"...
The dude was teaching them to skateboard...
I remember at one point one of them fell...
I was far away...i was walking back up the trail to skate back down...
And i remember..laughing and chanting "die bitch die" silently..and over and over again...
I didnt want them there....simply looking at them...i felt awful...because they were so...perfect.....
I...wish my love was here....
She makes me feel special...
She makes me feel beautiful and perfect...
She makes me happy...
SHE MAKES MY LIFE WORTH LIVING..
She is just...everything to me...
And i feel like...without her im not happy...
I truly miss her so so much...
I cant wait to see her....
In fact...thinking of her makes me feel a lil better...
I must rest now...maybe ill have another dream about her....
And if i do...ill be happy again..
Goodnight....