Despondent

My third letter to my Phil

Phil,                                               March 23 2017

Today was your funeral, that's why I'm writing so late at night.

You always hated funerals, but it's sad that I had to see yours.

You were so young too.

Your mom is a wreck and Martin hasn't eaten anything in 3 days.

Your mom had me pick out the flowers.

Tiger lilies of course, they were unique like you and I feel like the coincide with your fascination for lions.

I walked into your room for the first time today. I know I can't do that anymore because when I walked in there all I saw was you and that hurt too much.

I decided to wear some of your clothes to bed, but since it's been at least 5 days since you wore any of them, they don't really smell like you anymore, and they never will again.

Your cologne was half empty, just like I see the world now. And no one will ever use that again.

This letter is a little longer than usual but I have a lot more to say.

I cut again.

I'm sorry I couldn't help it, I needed relief somehow.

I don't know if I told you this but your dad left the city. We haven't heard from him yet.

I told the fans what happened. All of your 4.1 million. They didn't take it well. A lot of them tell you to rest in piece and I know you are.

Your smile lit up the room but now your smile is gone so I'm stuck in the dark.

Your gravestone is beautiful. And fans keep sending in lion plushies. You have thousands of them. And flowers. More flowers than I can count.

I'm heartbroken and it feels like I drowning and you're the only one who can bring me back to shore.

This is the first time I'm going to say this.

Philip Michael Lester. You can't save me because you are dead.

It seems like you would be the one to help me out with this kind of shit. You would hug me and tell me everything is okay.

Nothing is okay anymore. 

You're dead and it's my fault.

You're a goner and so am I.

I love you with the heart you stole many years ago.

- Daniel