Living as me.

Falling Upwards

Have you ever fell out of love with someone? Well I have. My first love to be exact. He's amazing, a very affectionate and sweet guy. My best friend for five years. He carries all of my things for me, opens my doors, pays for my dinners, drives across town every night I work just to see me. He's the perfect guy. I truly don't deserve him. I'm moody and easily agitated. I love him, we've been together for ten months, I know that's not long. What I've described it what everyone sees, but it's not the whole story. He has been cheated on multiple times, that isn't his fault and I get that completely, but he is constantly worried about what I'm doing. I'm not in a relationship with my boyfriend, I'm in a relationship with my parent. He asks question after question after question and maybe I get irritated too quickly. But he is just so overbearing sometimes. I'm the type of person where I don't want your soul focus on me and I don't want you to only ever think about me in your future. I need my space. I bring up my irritations and it stops, for about two days. I can't do clingy, and he knows that, he still does it sometimes. Maybe I'm just convincing myself that all of his niceties and manners are problems because I want them to be; but I can't stay in a relationship that I feel trapped in. He doesn't outwardly say that I'm not allowed to hang out with guy friends but it's heavily implied. God forbid I do something by myself and don't tell him. Or tell him what time I work and when I'm off. Or I can't hang out with him for more that a week at a time. I don't know if I feel trapped per say, but I don't feel free. And being trapped in any situation makes me react in non-positive ways. If I have concerns about something they aren't taken seriously, they never have. He think that he is still my only best friend, or friend for that fact. If I try to hangout new people he thinks it's because I want to break up with him, in all reality I just need more friends. I can't constrict myself to him or I will go quite literally insane. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if he feels the same, I don't know if I want to find out. I'm sure I will.