Longing For You

Celestine's POV

I watched you leave, feeling every little piece of my broken heart as you close the door of our very own house. Everything fell silent, and this is what I hate the most... Silence.

How can you do this to me?

At times like this, where you cannot hear anything at all, this always happens to me. All thoughts of you, about you, about us, and everything invades my mind. That is the reason why silence for me is... loud.

We are together because of fixed marriage, and we cannot do anything about it. I know that you never loved me, and that you will probably never will, but it has been a really long time now. We are together for three years, and I am still secretly wishing that you will learn to love me because I did. I learned to love you. I did.

I fell in love with you, and as time passes by, I am falling deeper and deeper for you.

A tear fell down from my eye, and I felt my cheeks heat up us they were starting to get really wet from my suddenly watery eyes. I cannot fight this strong feeling of longing for you, and that is why I ran into our room and locked myself in here. 

This is what I hear in the silence... It is killing me.

I sat on our bed, hugged a pillow so tight, and buried my face in it as I scream your name again and again. I could feel my knees getting weaker, and that it feels like I am losing my mind.

"I love you, Ace! I love you... Why cannot you love me back?" I said helplessly, and let myself collapse on our bed.

At your darkest times, I am the only one there. Even at your very worst, I still think that you are the best. You will always be the best to me, but I do not understand why you cannot let her go.

Why you cannot choose me, instead?

I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. The memory of the time when I saw him with another woman last Valentines day suddenly visited my mind once again. On that day, I waited for him, but I knew that he will never have time for me at that day because he told me that he will have a meeting.

I believed him.

I believed him when he told me that he will have a meeting that time, but I did not believe him when he told me that it was for work.

It was for her.

At a random fancy restaurant, I watched him smile at her like she is the only girl he sees. I saw that both their smiles were twice as wide as ours, and he seems to be feeling like he is in heaven whenever he is with her.

I cannot blame him... I am not as pretty as her, I am not as sexy as her, I am not as smart as her, and I will never be as perfect as her.

I am truly hard to love.

"Hey, Celestine. I forgot something, so-" I quickly sat up, and there at the door, I saw you staring at me.

"Are you okay? What happened?" You asked worriedly as you make your way to me.

You sat on the bed, next to me, and held my face. Your warm fingertips wiped away my tears as you examined my face. You held me so carefully, as if I am a fragile glass that might break.

"It is the first time you have forgotten something." I said with my broken voice as I try to smile.

"Well, yeah. I forgot to tell you that I got promoted yesterday." He said, and I laughed a bit.

"Congratulations, Ace." I said, and he suddenly held both of my hands.

"I told my father, begged for him, even! That if I do get that promotion, we can finally be divorced. You can be free now, and you never have to be with someone you do not love." He said happily, and for the nth time, I felt my heart broke more into little pieces.

I could not stop myself, and I cried in front of him. It is the last thing I wanted to do, but the feeling is so strong. We are going to be separated. He is so happy, and I am not.

This is not fair!

"Hey! Why are you crying?" He asked as he held my face again, but I shoved those hands away from me.

"Just leave me alone, Ace." I said as I stood up.

I looked at him, and there is an expression on his face that I have never seen before. Still, even if I wanted to know what that expression means, I still looked away and distanced myself from him. I cannot afford to let him know about my feelings, especially now.

"Celestine." He hugged me from the back as he buried his face on my neck.

"Ace, just stop!" I said as I tried to get away from him, but he is too strong for me.

He suddenly lifted my up, and even if I tried to struggle, there is no use. He threw me on the bed, and he is now on top of me as he pinned me down. He looked into my eyes, and for a moment, I thought I saw sadness into his.

"Tell me, Celestine... What is happening?" He pleaded with that voice of him that I honestly cannot get enough with.

I kissed him. He tried to stop me, but I pushed deeper until he kissed me back. The kiss became passionate, and before I knew it, things started to heat up. He started taking off my clothes one by one as I did the same to him. He started to touch me with his warm and big hands, and I cannot help but love the pleasure and give in more to him.

"I love you, Celestine..." More tears escaped my eyes after he said that.

He collapsed next to me while we are still catching our breaths from what had happened. I made love to him. I loved him, even he he did not loved me back.

I know that he will never love me back.

I looked at him, and I am surprised to see him asleep already. We do not do this often, but when we do, it is always me who falls asleep first. He must be really tired. I mean, he did said that he loves me, even if he does not. He must be really tired.

Silence once again filled the room, and the painful thoughts once again entered my mind. The thoughts of him, the thoughts of us, and now...

The thought of our divorce.

"You must be really happy." I said, even if my voice broke, I still laughed a bit to myself.

"I love you, Ace." I said hopelessly.

Everything is still silent, and I decided to stand up from the bed. I looked at Ace, and smiled to myself.

"Goodbye, my love." I said after walking towards the bathroom.

It is funny to think that even if everything is silent, I find it really loud. I never heard silence quite this loud, to be honest. It is all because of the man I love the most, Ace.

Nobody said that falling in love is easy, but never  have I thought that love could hurt this much.

Ace's POV

"I love you, Ace."

My heart broke into a million little pieces, hearing her say that as her voice broke. I know that she loves me, even at my very worst, for she is the one who is always there for me. I know that even if I push her away, she will always forgive and love me more each and every time.

But I am still in love with someone else...

"Goodbye, my love." She said before she entered the bathroom.

Once again, silence filled the room. There is no sound, but a lot had came inside my mind in a rush. Everything is so complicated, yet we are both silent about it. This is really messed up.

"I love you, Celestine... I really do." I whispered as I finally open my eyes properly.

"But I love her more."