A Century of Loneliness

Chapter 17: A Promise to Myself

Jamie P.O.V

I watch the man walk away with who I can only assume is his daughter. I decide not to say anything. What would I say?

'Can you actually see me? I've been dead for a century. Would you mind staying and talking to me so I don't go insane?'

'He would call the police or something. He would think I was crazy. But when the police wouldn't be able to see me they would think he was crazy. That could ruin his life along with his daughter's. I couldn't cause that. It's best I just stay put and mind my own business.'

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. The first person who has been able to see me in thirty-three years and I'm just letting him walk away.

I decide to make a promise to myself. Chances are that I will never encounter this man again. If I do, which is very unlikely, I will tell him the truth and if he doesn't believe me then so be it. That will be the end of it. I will not bother him.

The city comes to life at night; clubs bounce with music, people drink to unconsciousness, and there are all sorts of violence. It's nights like these that make me wonder why I am still here.

I could have gone anywhere in the world if I wanted to. I could hop on a ship or plane and travel the world if I pleased. No one can stop me. I'm dead.

Even with all the reasons I have to leave, I don't want to. New York was my home. I've watched the city evolve into what it is now. I just feel obligated to stay. There is really nowhere else I'd rather be.

During the night I like to take long walks under the stars. It is relaxing. It is also not often that the city goes so quiet. It's as if time stops. Things just become so quiet and calm.

I stare up at the stars from the bench where I lay. I am calm. Nothing is happening in the park where I like to spend my nights. I still hear the occasional talking or footsteps, but not much else happens here at night.

As a ghost, I do not sleep. I have not felt the need to since I died. I have tried to sleep to pass the time but unfortunately, it's like that is no longer something my body can do. If I could sleep I would.

I close my eyes and sigh. The hours drone on because sleep is not a method of making them pass faster. I wish for the night to be over, but unfortunately, it takes many hours. No matter how hard I try to sleep I cannot. It's as if I am an insomniac.

The sunrise would have normally woken me up if I were alive. Now it is just something that signals the start of a new day. Although for me all the days seem to blur together. It's hard to remember when one day starts and another one begins.

'Sometimes I wish that I could just move on. I wish that my soul was not trapped on Earth. I originally thought that I was being punished for my sexuality, then that I was meant to look after Lizzy, but she told me that it was time for me to find someone to love. How am I supposed to do that when no one can see me? In the thirty-three years that I have been alone, only one person has acknowledged my existence and I most likely will never see him again.'

I would like to see him again, but he would probably never believe me if I told him the truth. He has no reason to ever see me again. He has no reason to believe me.

I sit up on the bench where I was resting. The sun has just now fully risen. People start to begin their busy days, but my day never truly ends. It simply continues on a loop that never ends.

Every day I search for a reason to keep on going and each day I fail. There is no reason for me to try. I do not have someone to love, or to look after, or to even talk to. I am truly alone in this world.

The more that I look around at the people who are alive the more I realize that everyone has someone they are with. Very few people are alone. It only makes my loneliness more apparent.

I crave to talk to someone. The only person that I've ever really felt comfortable with sharing my personal emotions and thoughts with was Elizabeth. She and I talked about anything and everything. There were no limits.

Elizabeth and I have not talked since her death. She told me that she would be my guardian angel, but we have not spoken since. I deeply feel that I need her support during these difficult times. She was the one person I could vent to. Now I don't have her on my side anymore.

Without Lizzy, my emotions are simply trapped inside to boil. When I jumped from the building it let some steam out of the pot, but not enough to do any good. I am still boiling to a point where I want all of this to end. I do not know how to tame my emotions.

I lock my fingers into my hair and tug softly. I stare down at the ground as tears fall from my eyes.

"Lizzy, I don't know where you are, but I need you right now. I'm struggling. I need your advice. I can't do this on my own. You were the only one who could see me after death. I feel invisible to the rest of the world. Please, help me," I beg to her softly, hoping that by some miracle that she will be able to hear me.

'I don't know how much more I can take.'