neighbors ➸larry stylinson

LOUIS' POV

Nothing hurts worse than the pain of being unaccepted. The overwhelming loneliness that surrounds you, the constant reminders that you're not good enough.

I remember back when I came home from school and my mum would hug me, ask me how my day was. Now she avoided me like I was some disgusting monster that would give her a disease.

And then the kids at school.

Faggot. You should just go kill yourself.

Their words burned in my mind, even when I was sleeping. Sleeping used to be my escape from everything, and now their words haunted my dreams and caused me to shake and my sheets to be soaked with my sweat and my never ending tears. The ripping in my chest was unbearable, I felt like my heart was breaking apart constantly, into tiny pieces that broke and broke until there was nothing left. Nothing but pain and hate.

And the worst thing was when I ran out of tears to shed. When all I was doing was dry heaving and waiting for something to come out, and nothing did. That's when I was tempted to go to the roof and jump off, to end it all. And one time, I was really going to. It was my first time on the roof. I went up there and I felt the slight breeze on my tear streaked face and it was like I could finally breathe. I wasn't stuck in my house where I knew my mum was downstairs, dreading the moment I would come down for dinner and eat with her and my sisters in awkward silence.

Ever since then, I always would go out on the roof. I would sit there and stare at the window of my next door neighbor's room. I didn't know his name, but sometimes I would see his shadow behind the blue curtains at nighttime. I could make out the silhouette of a tall lanky body and a big head full of curls. I liked to watch him, watch the way he sometimes would slightly open the curtain and peek outside. But I was always hidden by the shadows. The shadows were really the only friend I had.

And then one time, he left his curtains open. I had just got home from school and finished my homework, so I decided to go on the roof. I wasn't a big roof. Just a small piece of wood sticking out right below the windowsill. The curly headed boy had one too, right next to mine.

So I went out on the roof, clad in a white V-neck t shirt and blue skinny jeans, and no shoes. The air was quiet except for the occasional cricket. I could smell freshly mowed grass and the sweet scent of spring. It was so warm outside.

I glanced at the boy's window, surprised to see his curtains wide open, revealing a small room that was completely neat. There were band posters covering the light blue walls, and a twin sized bed in the corner. The posters had bands like Sleeping With Sirens and My Chemical Romance, two of my favorite bands ever. I smiled to myself, although the feeling was a bit unfamiliar. And then I saw his white door opening on the other side of the room, and I scurried back inside. But then I peeked my head up over my windowsill, watching as the boy walked into his room. He had earbuds in, bobbing his head to the music playing in his ears. His hair was chocolate brown, framing a pale face and a pair of dark pink lips. I could barely see his eyes, so I couldn't guess the color. He had a thin waist and a long body, but long legs also. Wow, he's tall, I thought. He was slightly slouched, a concentrated look playing on his face. He was attractive. Very attractive.

After he finally shut his curtains, I went to bed that night with him on my mind. It was weird, thinking about something other than ending my life, or about the bruises and scars lining my arms.

***

Walking into school always caused my heart to race. I felt like there was somebody watching my every move, waiting for me to screw up. For some reason, when I entered senior year, I expected to be treated with some respect, but nothing change. There were even freshman that nudged me and whispered mean words, shoving me against the walls. I wouldn't push back, because they didn't deserve for me to fight back.