Drowning(Nalu One-shot)

Drowning

My whole life I have been alone. Everybody that I hold dear always leaves, one way, or another. Why is it that I can never be happy?

It's as if I'm cursed to be alone forever, and every time that I start to become happy...that happiness is ripped right from my fingertips.

It's as if I'm drowning in this misery. This guilt, that somehow my presence has caused their demise or drove them away. This loneliness, that I fear will never go away.

I can't trust anyone, not anymore. In fear that they will too, someday leave me behind.

I'm cursed to drown in these feelings forever.

My mother, my father, Michelle, Eclaire, Aquarius, and now Natsu.

He promised me he wouldn't leave, but he did.

They all left.

I'm all alone. And I'll be alone forever.

I don't talk to anyone anymore. I don't get too familiar. I can't deal with the familiar feeling of losing anyone again. It's all too much.

I'm emotionless now. A shell of who I was months back.

I haven't talked to anyone in months. In fear that they'll leave me one day, too.

I'm trapped in the depths of my mind. Reliving the moments I lost the most important people in my life.

I'm drowning in my own mind. Completely consumed by the darkness, and I don't think I'll ever escape.

I've been slowly losing my trust. Slowly being implanted with these scars.

I think I really started realizing that I didn't want to get close to people after the guild disbanded. I lost Aquarius. I lost all of my friends. And Natsu and Happy left.

Everyone had come back, though. But the memories never faded. Being so happy to have a happy family after such a long time and then to have that happiness ripped away just like that.

But I pretended to be okay. Not wanting to trouble anyone with my problems.

But what really sent me over the edge, was Natsu.

It was when everything was happening with Zeref. The only enemies left were Zeref and Acnologia.

I wasn't there. I don't know what all went down, but what I do know, is that he left...

And without saying goodbye, again.

He had promised me he wouldn't leave. That he would be alright. But he broke that promise.

I couldn't take it anymore.

The feelings overwhelming me. Every time someone would try to comfort me or talk to me... I couldn't take it.

The anxiety and paranoia that if I got too close, they would leave too.

So instead of waiting for anyone else to leave me...I left.

I had taken Natsu's black cloak and scarf, and left. Without a trace, with exception to a note.

Everyone I love leaves me in the end. These feelings have consumed me and now I am wandering.

All I do is wander. Going to towns and taking random jobs. Never staying in one place.

I don't want to become familiar with anyone anymore.  I told them all in my note that I was leaving and to not look for me. That maybe someday I would return.

I most regret leaving Happy behind. Natsu was his everything, too. When I left the note behind, I just almost went to see him, but refrained.

He would have begged me to stay, or asked to come along. And neither situation I could afford.

I long to have him here, though. His familiar company. I miss Happy. I miss everyone. I miss Natsu.

I couldn't take Happy with me. If I did, my presence would surely get him killed. It's as if I'm cursed, after all.

I can't afford to be near any of them.

I send a letter every once in a while to the guild. To tell them how I'm doing, so they don't worry, or try to find me.

My guild mark is still there, on my right hand. I wanted to keep it there, so I could remember all the good times. And to remember why I can't return.

Maybe someday I will return. Maybe someday these feelings will subside. But for now, these feelings grow strong. Part of me thinks I'll never return.

I suffer from the sin of greed. I selfishly want to see everyone again.

I suffer from the sin of sloth. I couldn't do anything to protect Natsu, the one time it truly mattered.

I suffer from the sin of wrath. I'm angry at Natsu, and Zeref. But the only person I'm truly angry at, is myself.

My greatest sin though, is the sin of envy. I'm envious. Envious of everyone that's happy. Everyone that hasn't lost anyone. Envious of everyone at the guild. They get to be happy, to stay together.

I don't have that luxury. Everyone around me dies. Everyone I truly love, dies. I left for them. All of them.

I'm cursed to be alone forever. To drown in these feelings.

I'm drowning in the depths of my mind, and nobody will get me out. Natsu isn't here to save me anymore.

So, I will continue to drown, until someday, just maybe, I can pull myself out.