A Very Jonas Sequel

Chapter 9: Frankie Dies

Friday, 9:09 PM

Frankie had come to save me from the wrath of Guy Fieri. He wasn’t dead after all! It was a classic House of Anubis red herring!

I was touched. Frankie. The Bonus Jonas. The father of my child. Suddenly I came the conclusion I, and you, the audience, had been waiting nearly two whole fanfictions for: Frankie was the one I was meant to be with. Not Nick. Not Joe. Not Kevin. Not the second Nick. Not Deloris. Not Dr. van Nostrand. Not that one boyfriend I had that was like the Subway Guy. Not any other minor character. But Frankie. My muse.

“Kathi roll! My mortal enemy! I thought you were dead!” Guy Fieri proclaimed. But Frankie didn’t respond because no one wants to hear a shitty French accent read this. Then Guy Fieri shot a laser, now set to kill, if you remember, at Frankie, but he missed as my beloved BF lunged out of the way.

“Frankie, I need to tell you, I’m so happy you came!” I started and then took a dramatic pause ”...I love you.” He looked right at me, but, again, didn’t say a word. It was okay, though. I too didn’t want to hear a crappy French accent read it.

Kevin slowly started regain consciousness, and when he caught sight of Frankie he too joined the rest of us in disbelief.

“Frankie! I thought you were dead and written out of the fanfiction!” Kevin said in utter shock of his brother’s return. “What kind of shitty author would pull such an obvious red herring?” [author’s note: I would and I did].

Guy Fieri shot at Frankie once again, but missed and hit a wall, causing the whole Minute To Win It studio to shake. “Ham-a-lama-dammit!” yelled the clearly irritated Food Network messiah. Into the the ranch dressing room ran a Nick.

“What was that?” he asked, but when he saw Guy Fieri’s tetris of meat he had his answer. Shots kept firing at the dodging Frankie as Deloris entered the scene. Once she caught a grasp of the situation she grabbed me by the wrist and we hid behind a desk. Next the other Nick came to join the climax.

“I can’t believe what is happening right now!” he said and he immediately tackled the first Nick and they started fighting despite the fact that Guy Fieri was still trying to kill their little brother whom they hadn’t seen in eight months.

“One of those Nicks is actually Joe,” Deloris explained to me. “They’re fighting because of some… recent unpleasantness.”

“Oh,” I responded. But something felt wrong. I felt a… wetness. My water had just broke. “Deloris, I think I’m going into labor!”

“Oh my gosh, we need a doctor! Where’s Dr. van Nostrand?” But of course the one character that could help wasn’t in this big climactic skirmish.

All of a sudden the commotion stopped. Guy Fieri had ceased firing at Frankie and turned his attention towards the desk Deloris and I were hiding behind. “I only have enough gravy for one more honkey tonkey double barrel meat loaded blast!” He pointed his tetris of meat directly at me and fired the shot. I could see it coming in slow motion and I knew it was all about to end. Everyone in the room had stopped what they were doing and were watching my finals moments. The Nicks weren’t fighting anymore. Deloris was jumping away from me. Kevin was still on the ground but looked remorseful for not being able to save me. Meanwhile Frankie was diving in front of me.