The Day I Questioned Life...

EPILOGUE : BEYOND DOUBTS

Is darkness all around me or is it what I've become? What have I been living for?'

2nd of June 2012,

It's been three years since she passed away, and I still grieve for her. I'm now twenty-five years old who still felt the presence of a young boy I used to be. Long lost in time, this boy who thought that life was full of smiles she gave him, but in reality, it's a shadow that he can never forget. All he aims now is to survive in the fast-paced city of Santrock.

Kate's loss took away my reason to live. I couldn't find a way out of this misery. I couldn't even bear to show my face to the funeral because of how hard I took the fact that she's never coming back. I just couldn’t accept it.
Every day I feel even more dull and grey. A gnawing emptiness grows bigger inside me...

I spend my time as an alcoholic, drinking my days away, wasting my parent's earnings. As if my sorrows could finally end. Looking back now, I wondered how I existed. What have I been living for? I promised Kate that I'll live for her. I will give my best to continue without her. I know it's for my own good, but the memories that I spent with her is still fresh.

"You see, father, life is unfair. It brings death to those who fulfilled their purpose, but not to the people who deserves to end their meaningless lives..."

The priest said a couple more prayers and responded: My child, I've listened to your stories, I know the Lord is listening with us too. The meaning of life is unquestionably mysterious. Its complexity varies when we find purpose and answers why we exist. It's impossible to determine because life has its way of changing the question. Its characteristics distinguishing physical entities having self-sustaining processes and the rest about it is unknown. It is impossible to define the true meaning of life. Our purpose and existence all tied up with this powerful force, but the true question is, have you ever wondered what your life really means? Maybe I haven’t really thought about it… the matter of obstacles and changes? Finding purpose or faith? I haven’t live for myself ever since I woke up.”

‘My role is to guide the wicked to the right direction, but you my child, you’re a different case. He gave you another chance to live! You may have gone through difficult times, but it doesn’t really matter right now. You haven't reached the top of the mountain yet! He has yet to show you something important, in the near future. God on high will never leave you, my child...'

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Cursed does the way my life as it is now. Ten years… and all I’ve ever felt was shame, hatred and regret that I willingly cast upon myself. I carried a burden in my heart. I fall into the shadows of my own despair. I always felt that I needed to be forgiven. But despite all of this, I wish to hope again, try new things, and think my life over. I want to try to move on, just as Kate would’ve wanted...
I was on my way home to my apartment, just five blocks north of the De Luca Chapel. Along the way, I was forced to walk in a crowded marketplace. I swam through the busy streets, confused and irritated. I was troubled by the different voices from all directions. It gave me an intense headache, making me disoriented and out-of-balance. I just want to be alone.
Suddenly I bumped into an old lady. She was furious and she started yelling at me. I continued to ignore and walk away from her.

'Hey! You can't just walk away from me! You stupid, no-good, street rat, I want an apology for that!' The mean old man said.

'Give the kid some air, can you! Making a scene to humiliate an innocent young man ain’t gonna give you profit!' She drove away the old man.

She took a good look at me, 'Joseph, is it really you? How wonderful this is!'

The lady somehow recognizes me. I was surprised, it was my Aunt Marle! She greeted me with lots, and lots of kisses. She took me out for a cup of coffee. Few moments later, we got to a small café. How nostalgic is this place for me. Though I do not actually remember being here, it still feels like I’ve seen it from a vision or something…