Worthless

Chapter 16- The Walk

At last and certainly not too soon, dawn approaches, seemingly slowly but surely. Left laying on top of the covers, bored and in dire need of a distraction yet too lazy and exhausted to stand, I resort to watching the new lines and shapes of light move across the floor. It proves a challenge to keep my thoughts at bay for the hours I lay here.

The screen of my phone lights up beside me on my night table. My heart gives a pang of hope and excitement, in hope to see the name Alex. With great apprehension I lift it and get the strength to sit up. A grin slips onto my face to see that it in fact was Alex and that she is worried about me, someone actually does care.

After we've been texting for an hour or two, she's given me enough that I stand up and roll up my blinds, allowing the fresh natural light to flow through my room. She tells me to at least et something for breakfast so I eat an orange.

Later I become very regretful for eating it and wish I didn't still have it in me, I probably gained some extra weight thanks to that orange. Fear and panic pass electrically through me at this daunting thought.

Due to the dull fact of trying so strenuously to recall my last walk outside, I get off my sorry ass to do so.

Of course I leave my mother to her thoughts in silence without a goodbye, throw on a jacket and shoes, then close the door gently.

Fresh air fills me to the rim, chasing away the dank, stuffy air from the house. Sunlight falls onto me, warming my face, bringing a sense of happiness and freedom that I'm really not used to. I don't know I enjoy this or want it. Ridiculous as it is, I don't want to feel this way; so happy and free. Maybe this is because I'm more comfortable and accustom to the shame, guilt, and darkness, I know it since it's been my dwelling for so long. Suppose I don't want a change, maybe I'm scared of such a big leap into a new mood, scared things will never be the same, that I'll lose control over things.

My mind must telling me no, because even though I do want things to get better and to be happy, I can't allow myself to let it all in. Shame and the usual guilt wash over me with this. I should let happiness and freedom such as this take over. I should let go of my darkness. So why can't I?

My entertainment comes in the form of kicking pebbles along my path, glancing around every once in a while, and trying to figure out where I want to o and what I want to do.

Cars swoosh past, plant life rustles with the gaining wind, the sun beams down onto my back, fresh, clean air cleans out my mind and body, children can be heard giggling here and there, dog seen every so often, different styled and coloured houses, people all dressed differently, all unique in their own way.

I think I must just get in their way, must be a mere annoying object to go around or have to look at. If I died...would anyone care? The people I see today certainly wouldn't give a damn. My mom would have more money to take care of only herself. Alex more than likely would be glad to be rid of another burden.

The sun greatly contrasts the thoughts I've attempted so many times and tried so hard to keep at bay and take a relaxing break from; but they won't leave me alone, they follow me everywhere I ago and there seems no method to rid myself of them and just enjoy life and things. Then again, how do you do that again?

In schools they should teach about mental health, in gym they should teach self-defense. Here goes my random, wandering brain again.

What would happen if I got kidnapped? Would anyone notice or care? I mean, if they taught us useful things like self-defense in gym women could actually defend themselves much better.

If they taught more about mental health it's be easier to talk about, get help, and understand.Physical before mental. That's how society works. Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Societies most famous and falsely believed line. Do to others and you would have them do to you. That's another one. But if you believe the first one, then why does the second matter if you think that words don't actually do any damage?

I don't think we should treat others as they treat us. It's good to think of how you'd feel if someone did what you did to yourself, but if you go around and do exactly what others did to you, how would we change evolve? How would we ever learn or find our own selves? There would be no grace or mercy if we always went by that.

Random things like these come and go as I continue walking further and further, the sun gets lower and lower, more and darker clouds come over the sky, the wind picks up, children go inside, lights glow in the darkening air, it becomes chillier, and I decide to head home at last.

Will my mom still be alive when I get there? Will she be hanging lifelessly from the roof? Will she have bled out on the floor?

My breath quickens with panic at this. Where would I go if that happened? What would happen to me? I suppose I could always just die with her and end all the anxiety and stress if she died.

At last and with jumbled clouds of feelings tightening my inside, I open the door and enter back into the stuffy and dull, dark atmosphere. Not knowing what to expect, how I feel, or what I should do in the meanwhile.

Darkness consumes me once more.