Y O U R P O V
I stared at him with a blank expression. he was sitting cross the room with his arm around his new girlfriend. she was so beautiful, I was envious of not only her looks but also her relationship with him. they looked so happy, I couldn't believe it.
I couldn't believe that he was happier with her after all we've been through. he told me he loved me and that I made him the happiest he has ever been even if his life was shit. I don't even know if I believe the words he told me while we were together.
All the happiness I had, got sucked out off me when he left me. our relationship maybe wasn't the healthiest, but it sure as hell was special. and I just couldn't bring myself to move on like he did. how could he leave us?
It seemed so easy for him to replace me; am I that easy to forget? did he forget all of the memories we made? did he forget that I was once his everything?
yeah, was.
replacing me was so easy for him while I'm on the ground fighting with the truth.
I watched them as he kissed her all over her face and she giggled and told him to stop. I watched as he tightened his grip on her shoulder and brought her face closer to his and kissed her slowly but passionately.
I turned my head around, not being able to bear the pain any longer.
"shawn, stop!," I giggled loudly as he kissed me all over my face.
he laughed and mocked me: "shawn, stop!"
"I don't even sound like that, you dick,"
he continued to kiss me until my giggles turned down and he looked at me with such a loving look on his face and said: "my beau,"
I blushed and look at our intertwined fingers. only he could make me feel like this, like I'm dying but living at the same time.
"fuck," I said a little too loud so that people in the cafeteria stopped their conversations just to look at me.
I blushed with embarrassment, great now I have all the attention.
"you know, you can carry on with your conversations?," I snapped at everyone who was looking.
they slowly turned around and started talking again, probably talking about me.
I rubbed my temples, trying to get rid of the headache I got. I had flashbacks of our relationship everyday and I couldn't control it.
"okay but seriously, how sick would it be if rhinos could fly?," shawn asked in all seriousness.
I looked at him with an amused expression, while questioning if he was actually serious.
"you probably think if I'm serious and yes I am serious."
"what if a rhino fell on you? wouldn't that be nice?," I asked him while trying to keep a serious expression.
"well, I mean, I don't think a rhino would randomly like fall on someone."
"but what if it loses it's balance while flying and just falls on you?"
he laughed lightly and said: "well that would suck."
I remember everything so vividly, but he seems to have forgotten everything we did. all the late night conversations, all the fights, all the kisses, all the nights we cried together; he seems to have forgotten everything.
I rubbed my face in frustration not wanting to break down in the cafeteria, not in front of his eyes, because I know that he won't hold me, he won't tell me that it's going to be okay, because he's not there for me any longer.
I've lost him and I lost myself too.
I'm paralyzed, I don't feel anything, I feel numb. he made me numb, his love made me like this, because it was too good so it hurt. when he looked me in my eyes it hurt, when he touched me so gently it hurt, when he told me he loved me it hurt.
"don't touch me!," I screamed at him furiously with tears running down my face.
he tried to reach out for me again, but I took a step back. sadness filled his eyes as he realized that I couldn't let him touch me again.
"don't you see? it hurts when you touch me because you touched her! you touched her and you're trying to touch me now."
"I told you it was a mistake, I wasn't thinking, I was mad and drunk, y/n and you know that," he yelled in my face, obviously done with me.
I didn't care anymore, when he touched her, he lost me. I couldn't do this because I wasn't strong enough for the both of us.
"that's not an excuse, you touched her and now every time you touch me, it burns, because she was fire and you decided to play with her. now the fire is lingering on your body and I do not want to burn so don't touch me."
he took me by my shoulders and pushed me against the nearest wall. he pushed me hard, I could feel something stabbing my back; it was the love he gave me.
our love was painful but I couldn't stop craving it.
"don't give up on me, baby, I know these times are heart, but please don't give up on me."
so I didn't, but later he did.
how did we end like this? how could he leave us?
a part of me is relieved, because I know that I can't stay with a cheater, but the other part of me is destroyed, because I know that he couldn't control himself.
"I can't take it anymore," I whispered to myself.
so I watched him the whole and prayed to god that he will come back to me, even if it hurts, even if he stabs holes in me with his love, I will stay until there's nothing left of me.
•••
"don't give up on me baby."
