Death (Shizaya)

3.5|Déjà vu

I felt all control go away.

...

*Izaya's POV*

"...Tell me what you're afraid of."

He held the cigarette to his lips, the rolled piece of... whatever was in it, hovering in front. The cause of his repetition was due to... me failing to acknowledge him. No, due to me choosing not to acknowledge him.

...I took a while to answer.

I didn't want to answer.

So many thoughts were crawling through my head as he asked. Too many questions unanswered, too many doubts, too much...

... Too much fear.

.

.

.

"Afraid? I don't have a fear.~"

And when I finally brought myself to respond, I spat out that lie.

I tried to seem proud about it.

I had to act egotistical. It was the only thing that covered everything I meant to hide. It made my statements seem believable. The blonde soon shifted, scoffing as he lightly puffed a smoke ring. His hand lowered.

"I doubt that. Don't you fear death? Suffering? Your future at least?"

I felt my mouth smirk again.

I took a moment to think. To think about who this was; who I was, and who I am now. My leg raised as I tilted my head just barely. A light laugh escaped my lips, grinning as my eyes opened.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, what a silly little thing to say! How cute!~"

His features straightened, brows crashing down as he regained his serious expression. He mumbled something that I wouldn't hear. I just chuckled, leaning my body forward.

I thought... about how strong I was back then. Not physically, but mentally. I could hide everything with little to no effort at all. And now...

I'm weak.

Puny.

Just a flea.

My neck extended forward, eyelashes fluttering before they took a rest at midpoint.

"...All jokes aside, the truth is... The future will always be death."

I found a way to dodge his question. And, with such a serious evasion, he didn't take a moment to think against it.

Either that, or he just is gullible.

Shizuo paused for a moment, looking up at me as he held the cigarette at shoulder-height. He took a moment to think about the words, or perhaps he just await a continuation, a clarification.

"...Teachers always tell me to look to it, but it's not like that will change..."

My voice began to sink down, fighting against it. I felt the burn in my throat once more, I felt myself tense up.

But what I did in response was lift my hand up, placing it under my chin. I smiled a little wider; a little sweeter.

"... Shizuo."

Back then, I was all about surprises... I wanted to catch him off guard. I wanted to see his reactions... I wanted to know more about him.

Notice the past tense usage of 'want.' Now... I don't know what I want. I wanted him dead, but that isn't current anymore...

So what did I want?

And I did catch him off guard, he didn't say a word. When I looked to him, he looked down. Away. He avoided my gaze. And he continued to wait.

"... The only thing I can't rebel against."

I chuckled, leaning back whilst I tilted my head once more. And now that I think about it...

'... Shizuo... The only thing I can't rebel against...'

...

... Was I talking about death, or him?

"Strange, don't you say?"

...

... You can rebel against death until time's up, but... Him... He always made me act differently. And I guess... I probably was talking about him...

And he didn't catch on.

Come on, it was almost a complete sentence too...

...

I was upset at his reply.

I was starting to remember all the mixed emotions this conversation brought me... Why I never completely forgot it...

... Because I wanted us to change.

... And then I started to shut him out... Shut out my desires... Until they slowly changed...

I began to hate him.

"... Nah, you can rebel against death, just you'll never win."

... And the bastard spoke confidentially. As if he were proving my point wrong, when he didn't even get the damned point...

"... I know."

I was given the same thought I received that day.

'I can rebel against you, but reality won't change...'

My throat gave another sting, a burn quickly rising up my nostrils as I barely choked out those words. But I continued to fight. I fought with crushed hope, but I still fought.

"... And I don't like losing, either."

I fought with all the strength I had, standing up from the mini-wall.

"Which makes it all the worse..."

I ignored the pain. I walked as normally as my body would allow me to. I felt the jolts of pain that my former self wouldn't. I stepped up to him, leaning forward, smiling that obnoxious grin. That grin that took me ages to master.

"Yet. All. The. Better.~"

His expression was unreadable. It was different, though. An emotion I had not yet seen him wear. But I could not tell what it was.

He wasn't angry. He wasn't glaring daggers. He wasn't irritated. He was just...

Ding ding ding ding ding!

... I didn't have enough time to figure out.

"... Thanks, Shizu-chan."

And as fast as the bell left, I did too. I jogged off, sprinting as i turned the corner. I didn't care about the pain at that point... But I said something I had not remembered...

... I'm pretty sure I didn't say it, either.

"... Thanks for clearing everything up for me."

.

.

.

Then my eyes really opened.

/Sorry for short chapter hnndgshksdjs I'm in class right now XDDD/